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Need input - Part 2 - now upgraded to General Board!!! UGH!!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 407943" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>easy child went through this with a classmate at about the same age. A bit younger, actually. And another young friend of mine has had the same sort of manipulation among her friends. It sounds like a combination of issues, beginning with "two's company, three's a crowd." </p><p></p><p>The only solution is for the child to distance him/herself from the manipulative 'friend' because really, it is not true friendship. While ever the victimised child tries to stay friends, they are leaving themselves wide open to further exploitation, damage to reputation, hurt and anger. The manipulative friend - they do get theirs in the end, they grow up generally to be very dysfunctional, always trying to manipulate others. Various personality disorders can be seen in fledgling state, in such childhood manipulations.</p><p></p><p>The 'friend' who was a problem for easy child, would insist on her friends paying her court. She would be kind, friendly, generous - but only if you did what she wanted. A common phrase was "We're not talking to easy child today, I don't like her today. So if you talk to easy child today, you can't be my friend. You want to be my friend, don't you?"</p><p>And the child being addressed nods dumbly, knowing that if she stands up to the bully, she will also be on the hit list and find herself sitting alone in the school playground.</p><p></p><p>In easy child's case, the bully has grown up to have a drug problem, to be promiscuous and not be able to stick at any one career path. I don't know a lot about what is really going on with her any more, only what I have seen and what her parents tell. To her parents, she is a good kid. They don't know about the sex and the drugs because her parents are very good at denial.</p><p></p><p>Your son's best defence, sadly, is to accept loneliness for a while. Change friendships. Or at least, distance himself sufficiently form this boy so that he can't be used as the excuse any more.</p><p></p><p>It's a horrible lesson, but frankly a valuable one if a kid has to go through it.</p><p></p><p>easy child stood up to her bully. She also challenged her friends who did not. I remember one afternoon when this bully had organised a group bullying session of easy child on the school boat - she was telling me about it when she got home. Told me her good friend had sided with the bully, out of sheer cowardice. Then the phone rang - it as friend, apologising for siding with the bully, but she did it so the bully wouldn't target her. I listened in - easy child was friendly, but made her friend squirm. Went into calm detail about how it feels to have your friends desert you for someone who is fickle and nasty, and how it makes you doubt the sincerity of anything such friends ever say.</p><p></p><p>Years later - if easy child meets her friend (the one who rang to apologise) they will chat, but she lost interest in her when she realised she would make choices based on what she felt safe with popularity-wise. If she meets bully - again she will be polite and friendly, but cool and a bit distant. She simply is not interested in someone who she considers beneath her.</p><p></p><p>Also these days - easy child had to deal with a sociopath in the workplace. Her past experience led her to rapidly recognise the manipulation and put some strategies in place to report it and deal with it. She ended up leaving that job when it became apparent that the employers were not believing her. But she left, was not sacked (other staff members were sacked). A few months later, the sociopath was exposed, easy child's reputation and that of others were reinstated (mostly because of what easy child put in place with her paper trail) and the sociopath is blacklisted in that state and industry.</p><p></p><p>Experience teaches. Not all experiences are positive. But the best lesson to take from this - difficult child is a good kid and he has standards he holds his friends to. And good friends will not abuse a friendship and not lie make a friend look bad just so they can selfishly get something out of it.</p><p></p><p>Your mommy sense alerted you to this, told you something was not adding up. Now go back over it all in your head and think - what are the wider ramifications of this, the broader implications of what you have been observing? I suspect that the next few days are going to be full of little "aha" moments.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 407943, member: 1991"] easy child went through this with a classmate at about the same age. A bit younger, actually. And another young friend of mine has had the same sort of manipulation among her friends. It sounds like a combination of issues, beginning with "two's company, three's a crowd." The only solution is for the child to distance him/herself from the manipulative 'friend' because really, it is not true friendship. While ever the victimised child tries to stay friends, they are leaving themselves wide open to further exploitation, damage to reputation, hurt and anger. The manipulative friend - they do get theirs in the end, they grow up generally to be very dysfunctional, always trying to manipulate others. Various personality disorders can be seen in fledgling state, in such childhood manipulations. The 'friend' who was a problem for easy child, would insist on her friends paying her court. She would be kind, friendly, generous - but only if you did what she wanted. A common phrase was "We're not talking to easy child today, I don't like her today. So if you talk to easy child today, you can't be my friend. You want to be my friend, don't you?" And the child being addressed nods dumbly, knowing that if she stands up to the bully, she will also be on the hit list and find herself sitting alone in the school playground. In easy child's case, the bully has grown up to have a drug problem, to be promiscuous and not be able to stick at any one career path. I don't know a lot about what is really going on with her any more, only what I have seen and what her parents tell. To her parents, she is a good kid. They don't know about the sex and the drugs because her parents are very good at denial. Your son's best defence, sadly, is to accept loneliness for a while. Change friendships. Or at least, distance himself sufficiently form this boy so that he can't be used as the excuse any more. It's a horrible lesson, but frankly a valuable one if a kid has to go through it. easy child stood up to her bully. She also challenged her friends who did not. I remember one afternoon when this bully had organised a group bullying session of easy child on the school boat - she was telling me about it when she got home. Told me her good friend had sided with the bully, out of sheer cowardice. Then the phone rang - it as friend, apologising for siding with the bully, but she did it so the bully wouldn't target her. I listened in - easy child was friendly, but made her friend squirm. Went into calm detail about how it feels to have your friends desert you for someone who is fickle and nasty, and how it makes you doubt the sincerity of anything such friends ever say. Years later - if easy child meets her friend (the one who rang to apologise) they will chat, but she lost interest in her when she realised she would make choices based on what she felt safe with popularity-wise. If she meets bully - again she will be polite and friendly, but cool and a bit distant. She simply is not interested in someone who she considers beneath her. Also these days - easy child had to deal with a sociopath in the workplace. Her past experience led her to rapidly recognise the manipulation and put some strategies in place to report it and deal with it. She ended up leaving that job when it became apparent that the employers were not believing her. But she left, was not sacked (other staff members were sacked). A few months later, the sociopath was exposed, easy child's reputation and that of others were reinstated (mostly because of what easy child put in place with her paper trail) and the sociopath is blacklisted in that state and industry. Experience teaches. Not all experiences are positive. But the best lesson to take from this - difficult child is a good kid and he has standards he holds his friends to. And good friends will not abuse a friendship and not lie make a friend look bad just so they can selfishly get something out of it. Your mommy sense alerted you to this, told you something was not adding up. Now go back over it all in your head and think - what are the wider ramifications of this, the broader implications of what you have been observing? I suspect that the next few days are going to be full of little "aha" moments. Marg [/QUOTE]
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