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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 751920" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>He didn't lash out at you "because you suggested he go to ER and he has no money for that". He lashed out because he wanted to and because he can. People are responsible for their actions and he does have control over himself when he wants to. We all do.</p><p></p><p>When relationships with our adult kids have gotten to a point of resentments and miscommunication on both sides , it can feel like everything we say is wrong. What I have started to do is 1. Say very little 2. Only listen 3. Affirm the feelings they seem to be communicating 4. Don't make solutions, judgements, or give advice </p><p></p><p>So upon seeing his smashed up face something like "Ouch, that must hurt". "What happened?" Then only listen. Things like "how difficult for you" or "that must be hard to experience". You know, neutral responses .Addicts already feel shame and guilt. They know they are screwing up. When we throw it in their face, they only get mad at us, and thereby do not take a look at themselves. By staying neutral, they have a chance to take responsibility for their actions, and it preserves our relationship as much as possible.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 751920, member: 24254"] He didn't lash out at you "because you suggested he go to ER and he has no money for that". He lashed out because he wanted to and because he can. People are responsible for their actions and he does have control over himself when he wants to. We all do. When relationships with our adult kids have gotten to a point of resentments and miscommunication on both sides , it can feel like everything we say is wrong. What I have started to do is 1. Say very little 2. Only listen 3. Affirm the feelings they seem to be communicating 4. Don't make solutions, judgements, or give advice So upon seeing his smashed up face something like "Ouch, that must hurt". "What happened?" Then only listen. Things like "how difficult for you" or "that must be hard to experience". You know, neutral responses .Addicts already feel shame and guilt. They know they are screwing up. When we throw it in their face, they only get mad at us, and thereby do not take a look at themselves. By staying neutral, they have a chance to take responsibility for their actions, and it preserves our relationship as much as possible. [/QUOTE]
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