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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 752396" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>I think shaming means "You are a dirtbag" which you would never say.</p><p>.</p><p></p><p>I tended not to engage with Kay in these types of conversations. I would get out of the nasty discussions. So that cut out a lot of word salad from her. </p><p></p><p>I think if you say to your son in a factual way, "I am still waiting for you to pay me back from the other times" that is not shaming. If he takes the leap and says "I know I'm scum" you can calmly respond "I said you owe me from my last loan. You called yourself a name, not me."</p><p></p><p>We can't help them from shaming themselves. That is on them. They know they are not acting right and are quick to demean themselves either because they feel ashamed or because they believe that by calling themselves names we will pity them and give in. Or both.</p><p></p><p>I see no way for these kids to never feel ashamed. But it is usually not because of us. And frankly we are human and can't always be perfect.</p><p></p><p>If you buy him glasses you can use any method you like. It's not up to him. He can always get a job and buy his own glasses if he doesn't like your way of buying them. </p><p></p><p>My way of dealing with my difficult daughter is accepting her as she is right now. It no longer gets me angry and I cry less. The stark reality is that unless we offer her money and gifts, she doesn't ask about us, care about us or even want to speak to us. I accept this without judgment. It is what it is. </p><p></p><p>Why does your husband contact your son? He knows what he will receive from him. I know it's because he loves him, but he is setting himself up to be hurt. If we feel a need to contact them, and we did for a decade plus, then we need to turn into brave soldiers, accept that they are not going to be loving toward us, and be ready to say no when they hit us up for something. We need plans of protection too in case they get abusive. Maybe it is best to block texting and have a phone only rule. You can end a phone call but a text is there and stares at you forever until you have the guts to delete it. I think texting brings out the worst in difficult kids. If I need to contact Kay, I would call her and keep texting blocked. She would hate it but we don't want anymore abusive texts. </p><p></p><p>God bless.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 752396, member: 23706"] I think shaming means "You are a dirtbag" which you would never say. . I tended not to engage with Kay in these types of conversations. I would get out of the nasty discussions. So that cut out a lot of word salad from her. I think if you say to your son in a factual way, "I am still waiting for you to pay me back from the other times" that is not shaming. If he takes the leap and says "I know I'm scum" you can calmly respond "I said you owe me from my last loan. You called yourself a name, not me." We can't help them from shaming themselves. That is on them. They know they are not acting right and are quick to demean themselves either because they feel ashamed or because they believe that by calling themselves names we will pity them and give in. Or both. I see no way for these kids to never feel ashamed. But it is usually not because of us. And frankly we are human and can't always be perfect. If you buy him glasses you can use any method you like. It's not up to him. He can always get a job and buy his own glasses if he doesn't like your way of buying them. My way of dealing with my difficult daughter is accepting her as she is right now. It no longer gets me angry and I cry less. The stark reality is that unless we offer her money and gifts, she doesn't ask about us, care about us or even want to speak to us. I accept this without judgment. It is what it is. Why does your husband contact your son? He knows what he will receive from him. I know it's because he loves him, but he is setting himself up to be hurt. If we feel a need to contact them, and we did for a decade plus, then we need to turn into brave soldiers, accept that they are not going to be loving toward us, and be ready to say no when they hit us up for something. We need plans of protection too in case they get abusive. Maybe it is best to block texting and have a phone only rule. You can end a phone call but a text is there and stares at you forever until you have the guts to delete it. I think texting brings out the worst in difficult kids. If I need to contact Kay, I would call her and keep texting blocked. She would hate it but we don't want anymore abusive texts. God bless. [/QUOTE]
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