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Parent Emeritus
Need some stiffening of the backbone...or open to opinions of the group
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 651849" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It's nightmarish. I could never know what to do with the unexpected intensity of emotion I could neither name nor understand. We would search those streets for her and I hated that city, passionately hated everything about that city I once loved.</p><p></p><p>I mean that.</p><p></p><p>Today she is safe. I don't hate the city with that same passionate intensity. But there is a hardness about it now. Our minds and hearts work in such funny ways.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where the other hard places are. I only know they must be here, in me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you, and to your child.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Addiction is a terrible and destructive thing, most poignantly down in the places in the heart where a quiet, sort of indescribable satisfaction with ourselves and our lives and our children should be.</p><p></p><p>We can never rest. There is too much suffering.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When the worst of it was happening with daughter, I had only this site. Everything else was so echoey that it did not seem real. The horrible questions could be considered here, the depth of suffering explored.</p><p></p><p>I could be a spectator.</p><p></p><p>Someone known and cherished and someone from whom nothing was expected.</p><p></p><p>During those months and years, I had no energy for anything else. Worse, I no longer believed anything else was possible...and I had always believed there was a purpose, there was a reason, there was a good at the heart of all this, even if I could not ferret it out.</p><p></p><p>I lost that.</p><p></p><p>I did what I did by rote.</p><p></p><p>Even new things, I did by rote.</p><p></p><p>I described it as a loss of faith. I made it out of that place by refusing to say "No, there is no point in believing so I opt out." I began saying "yes", instead. Yes to everything that came along. </p><p></p><p>And each of those yesses developed into a new facet of life. In those new facets, those new places that had somehow come along exactly when I needed them, no one suspected any of what was true about me and about my heart and about my child.</p><p></p><p>I found Joel Osteen's sermons strengthening.</p><p></p><p>I made a study of suffering, and of how we make it through.</p><p></p><p>Gratitude for the beauty of the sunrise, Echo. Cherishing of those things ~ and they exist in every life ~ that are there to be cherished. Remain present. You can hear this, you can perform with steady grace.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, there are no answers.</p><p></p><p>Understanding that relieves the pressure, removes that wish/demand of perfectionism ~ even at this late date, I was trying to fix things, was trying to make it alright!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I am coming through it still. I find myself very much in love with human things and human beings. </p><p></p><p>I did not fall in that hole where nothing touches me. Well, I did, but I filled the hole with facets of self and one day, there was no longer a hole, and I walked away. </p><p></p><p>There is so much suffering, Echo. And so much joy, such an intensity of joy.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why, any more. </p><p></p><p>I just stand there.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 651849, member: 17461"] It's nightmarish. I could never know what to do with the unexpected intensity of emotion I could neither name nor understand. We would search those streets for her and I hated that city, passionately hated everything about that city I once loved. I mean that. Today she is safe. I don't hate the city with that same passionate intensity. But there is a hardness about it now. Our minds and hearts work in such funny ways. I don't know where the other hard places are. I only know they must be here, in me. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and to your child. Addiction is a terrible and destructive thing, most poignantly down in the places in the heart where a quiet, sort of indescribable satisfaction with ourselves and our lives and our children should be. We can never rest. There is too much suffering. When the worst of it was happening with daughter, I had only this site. Everything else was so echoey that it did not seem real. The horrible questions could be considered here, the depth of suffering explored. I could be a spectator. Someone known and cherished and someone from whom nothing was expected. During those months and years, I had no energy for anything else. Worse, I no longer believed anything else was possible...and I had always believed there was a purpose, there was a reason, there was a good at the heart of all this, even if I could not ferret it out. I lost that. I did what I did by rote. Even new things, I did by rote. I described it as a loss of faith. I made it out of that place by refusing to say "No, there is no point in believing so I opt out." I began saying "yes", instead. Yes to everything that came along. And each of those yesses developed into a new facet of life. In those new facets, those new places that had somehow come along exactly when I needed them, no one suspected any of what was true about me and about my heart and about my child. I found Joel Osteen's sermons strengthening. I made a study of suffering, and of how we make it through. Gratitude for the beauty of the sunrise, Echo. Cherishing of those things ~ and they exist in every life ~ that are there to be cherished. Remain present. You can hear this, you can perform with steady grace. Sometimes, there are no answers. Understanding that relieves the pressure, removes that wish/demand of perfectionism ~ even at this late date, I was trying to fix things, was trying to make it alright! :O) I am coming through it still. I find myself very much in love with human things and human beings. I did not fall in that hole where nothing touches me. Well, I did, but I filled the hole with facets of self and one day, there was no longer a hole, and I walked away. There is so much suffering, Echo. And so much joy, such an intensity of joy. I don't know why, any more. I just stand there. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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