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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 707650" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is mother blame. Please stop it. This is not about you, what you could have done, did do or did not do. Your son is an adult. He is milking this for all that it is worth. That is the problem. This is about what he should, could, would do for himself.</p><p> Of course you are afraid. However there is always a right and wrong thing to do, or the lesser wrong. We can operate according to our values, our principles, our morals, our knowledge.</p><p></p><p>You KNOW what you need to do for you, your family, your son. It is no different than it was when he was 2 years old. Did you stop him from running into the street? Did you tell him to take a time out? Of course. This is no different. There are things you allow in your presence, in environments you control, and there are things YOU WILL NOT ALLOW in your space. You will not participate. And that is that. You can say NO. You can say LEAVE.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes this is what our adult children require: a strong and consistent limit. This shows them that they can (and should) take control over their own behavior and their lives. We model this for them.</p><p>You can still be a fixer but you can no longer fix him. You can decide for yourself based upon what you know to be right. You can draw a line to show what you will tolerate or endorse. But you cannot do it FOR HIM. He will either do or not do for himself.</p><p></p><p>There is no one of us for which this comes easy. That it is hard does not mean we deserve self-blame. We love our children and we fear for them. We fear for ourselves. What would we ever do if the worst happens? None of us feel the strength to bear this. We do. You will.</p><p></p><p>Take care. Keep posting. On as many threads (of others, too) as you can. It helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 707650, member: 18958"] This is mother blame. Please stop it. This is not about you, what you could have done, did do or did not do. Your son is an adult. He is milking this for all that it is worth. That is the problem. This is about what he should, could, would do for himself. Of course you are afraid. However there is always a right and wrong thing to do, or the lesser wrong. We can operate according to our values, our principles, our morals, our knowledge. You KNOW what you need to do for you, your family, your son. It is no different than it was when he was 2 years old. Did you stop him from running into the street? Did you tell him to take a time out? Of course. This is no different. There are things you allow in your presence, in environments you control, and there are things YOU WILL NOT ALLOW in your space. You will not participate. And that is that. You can say NO. You can say LEAVE. Sometimes this is what our adult children require: a strong and consistent limit. This shows them that they can (and should) take control over their own behavior and their lives. We model this for them. You can still be a fixer but you can no longer fix him. You can decide for yourself based upon what you know to be right. You can draw a line to show what you will tolerate or endorse. But you cannot do it FOR HIM. He will either do or not do for himself. There is no one of us for which this comes easy. That it is hard does not mean we deserve self-blame. We love our children and we fear for them. We fear for ourselves. What would we ever do if the worst happens? None of us feel the strength to bear this. We do. You will. Take care. Keep posting. On as many threads (of others, too) as you can. It helps. [/QUOTE]
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