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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 76027" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Two things.</p><p></p><p>First, I have been having browser trouble. That is why I seem to be posting as two people (Scent of Cedar and Scent of Cedar I).</p><p></p><p>I didn't want anyone to wonder why that was happening.</p><p></p><p>We are back to Mozilla now, and everything should be fine.</p><p></p><p>StandsWithCourage, this helped me: Much as everyone seems to be telling you it should be easy to pick a different way to relate to your difficult child ~ especially as he is 24 (which I say doesn't change one thing ~ that is still your son), I want you to know that I was the same way. When it was my time to learn how to interact differently, I couldn't do it, either.</p><p></p><p>I spent years believing difficult child was where he was in life because of poor parenting. </p><p></p><p>Even though we KNEW he was using drugs.</p><p></p><p>We believed difficult child's drug use had to be a symptom of some deep, underlying pain that was OUR FAULT.</p><p></p><p>It helped me to envision it this way: It makes sense to me that the mothering instinct continues to operate at full force until the child has successfully transitioned to the adult world. When a child is not transitioning, we try to figure out what we need to do differently ~ just like we did with toilet training. We ask for experienced advice, limit fluids at bedtime, whatever. Once the child has that part down pat, we move on to the next phase.</p><p></p><p>I think that for moms like you and me, we are still stuck in whatever phase we were in when the child stopped progressing.</p><p></p><p>We literally do not see our children as the men they are.</p><p></p><p>Sunny Florida did a posting once about the young soldiers being sent to Iraq, and how incredible it was that while these eighteen year olds were risking their lives there, our sons were safe at home bewailing their fates and blaming their parents.</p><p></p><p>So, I cut out a picture of young soldiers from the newspaper and posted it next to the phone so that when difficult child called, I would remember that he was far older than those young kids who certainly were not calling their mothers to complain that their power had been cut off.</p><p></p><p>And it helped me.</p><p></p><p>Another thing that helped me so much was the posting in the archives on PE. That Barbara who just can't figure out how to do it?</p><p></p><p>That's me.</p><p></p><p>I still find myself flummoxed by the differences between my mental picture of difficult child and the reality. I still could fall into worrying and fixating on him so easily. The only way to stop those thoughts and feelings is to label them for what they are: holdovers from another time, and useless to us, now.</p><p></p><p>Those feelings are the enemy.</p><p></p><p>Your son is not doing well because he is picking to drink and drug.</p><p></p><p>There is no other reason.</p><p></p><p>He will need to live on the streets or in a shelter somewhere (and I don't think shelters take them when they are actively using either).</p><p></p><p>He should not be in your house when he is using drugs.</p><p></p><p>There are moms on this site who have had the police remove the difficult child and then, changed the locks.</p><p></p><p>Witz would always tell me the story about the older parents essentially being held hostage by their addicted forty something year old difficult child.</p><p></p><p>It could get worse for you and husband than it is, right now.</p><p></p><p>It will never get better until your difficult child wants it to get better.</p><p></p><p>And it sounds to me like he has things exactly how he wants them.</p><p></p><p>If it is any comfort to you, your son on drugs is not the boy you raised. </p><p></p><p>That does not mean you get to ignore the situation he finds himself in.</p><p></p><p>You will get to that place where you know how to do this.</p><p></p><p>I did.</p><p></p><p>I am still sad about it, and was literally a basket case for a really (really!) long time. :smile:</p><p></p><p>But I'm better, now.</p><p></p><p>And you will learn what you need to do to help your son, too.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 76027, member: 1721"] Two things. First, I have been having browser trouble. That is why I seem to be posting as two people (Scent of Cedar and Scent of Cedar I). I didn't want anyone to wonder why that was happening. We are back to Mozilla now, and everything should be fine. StandsWithCourage, this helped me: Much as everyone seems to be telling you it should be easy to pick a different way to relate to your difficult child ~ especially as he is 24 (which I say doesn't change one thing ~ that is still your son), I want you to know that I was the same way. When it was my time to learn how to interact differently, I couldn't do it, either. I spent years believing difficult child was where he was in life because of poor parenting. Even though we KNEW he was using drugs. We believed difficult child's drug use had to be a symptom of some deep, underlying pain that was OUR FAULT. It helped me to envision it this way: It makes sense to me that the mothering instinct continues to operate at full force until the child has successfully transitioned to the adult world. When a child is not transitioning, we try to figure out what we need to do differently ~ just like we did with toilet training. We ask for experienced advice, limit fluids at bedtime, whatever. Once the child has that part down pat, we move on to the next phase. I think that for moms like you and me, we are still stuck in whatever phase we were in when the child stopped progressing. We literally do not see our children as the men they are. Sunny Florida did a posting once about the young soldiers being sent to Iraq, and how incredible it was that while these eighteen year olds were risking their lives there, our sons were safe at home bewailing their fates and blaming their parents. So, I cut out a picture of young soldiers from the newspaper and posted it next to the phone so that when difficult child called, I would remember that he was far older than those young kids who certainly were not calling their mothers to complain that their power had been cut off. And it helped me. Another thing that helped me so much was the posting in the archives on PE. That Barbara who just can't figure out how to do it? That's me. I still find myself flummoxed by the differences between my mental picture of difficult child and the reality. I still could fall into worrying and fixating on him so easily. The only way to stop those thoughts and feelings is to label them for what they are: holdovers from another time, and useless to us, now. Those feelings are the enemy. Your son is not doing well because he is picking to drink and drug. There is no other reason. He will need to live on the streets or in a shelter somewhere (and I don't think shelters take them when they are actively using either). He should not be in your house when he is using drugs. There are moms on this site who have had the police remove the difficult child and then, changed the locks. Witz would always tell me the story about the older parents essentially being held hostage by their addicted forty something year old difficult child. It could get worse for you and husband than it is, right now. It will never get better until your difficult child wants it to get better. And it sounds to me like he has things exactly how he wants them. If it is any comfort to you, your son on drugs is not the boy you raised. That does not mean you get to ignore the situation he finds himself in. You will get to that place where you know how to do this. I did. I am still sad about it, and was literally a basket case for a really (really!) long time. [img]:smile:[/img] But I'm better, now. And you will learn what you need to do to help your son, too. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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