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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 743445" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Annie, one thing I have learned is that ‘feeling like I should’ isnt always a good enough reason to do something. And ‘other people feeling like I should’ is almost never a good enough reason, absent other compelling reasons. </p><p></p><p>These other people are not in your shoes. They don’t know your whole story and what you’ve been through, and what he put your other children through. </p><p></p><p>I do maintain contact with both of my wayward ones, even when they are way off the rails. But they have not hurt other siblings in the way your son has, and do not have psychological issues that make them a serious risk to others. They are mainly hurting themselves. </p><p></p><p>I think in cases where an adult child has hurt others and presents an ongoing risk it can sometimes be necessary to cut off contact for your own safety and sanity. You should not beat yourself up over this if it is what you feel in your heart you need to do. And you should not let others make you feel bad or second guess yourself. The fact that your therapist, who knows the full story, supports this path speaks volumes. </p><p></p><p>And remember you are allowed to change your mind. Perhaps this is a choice you make for now, that you can revisit at a later time.</p><p></p><p>I don’t know if that time should be now though. I don’t think it could be for me. The revelations about your younger son are still fresh, even if the event was some time ago. Your younger son needs to know you have his back and are on his side. I agree with others that he should NEVER be put in a position of having to be in contact with his abuser again. And I would want to know how he would feel about you maintaining contact right now. Would he see it as a betrayal? Would it make him uncomfortable to know you are in contact, even if he does not have to see his brother directly? I am not saying he gets to make the final decision in your personal relationship with his brother, but his feelings about it would matter to me. </p><p></p><p>So what is it YOU really want here, if you set aside what other people think and your own ingrained feelings about what makes a ‘good’ parent? Do you want contact? Would it make you feel better to have a lifeline of sorts where at least you would know if he’s ok? Do you think having that connection will make any difference in outcome for your son? Or would knowing what’s going on with him only bring you more pain?</p><p></p><p>There isn’t a single right answer here. You will always let be your son. You are mourning your dream of who you wanted him to be and the kind of life you thought he would have. This is hard stuff. Don’t take on more pain and guilt than you have to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 743445, member: 23349"] Annie, one thing I have learned is that ‘feeling like I should’ isnt always a good enough reason to do something. And ‘other people feeling like I should’ is almost never a good enough reason, absent other compelling reasons. These other people are not in your shoes. They don’t know your whole story and what you’ve been through, and what he put your other children through. I do maintain contact with both of my wayward ones, even when they are way off the rails. But they have not hurt other siblings in the way your son has, and do not have psychological issues that make them a serious risk to others. They are mainly hurting themselves. I think in cases where an adult child has hurt others and presents an ongoing risk it can sometimes be necessary to cut off contact for your own safety and sanity. You should not beat yourself up over this if it is what you feel in your heart you need to do. And you should not let others make you feel bad or second guess yourself. The fact that your therapist, who knows the full story, supports this path speaks volumes. And remember you are allowed to change your mind. Perhaps this is a choice you make for now, that you can revisit at a later time. I don’t know if that time should be now though. I don’t think it could be for me. The revelations about your younger son are still fresh, even if the event was some time ago. Your younger son needs to know you have his back and are on his side. I agree with others that he should NEVER be put in a position of having to be in contact with his abuser again. And I would want to know how he would feel about you maintaining contact right now. Would he see it as a betrayal? Would it make him uncomfortable to know you are in contact, even if he does not have to see his brother directly? I am not saying he gets to make the final decision in your personal relationship with his brother, but his feelings about it would matter to me. So what is it YOU really want here, if you set aside what other people think and your own ingrained feelings about what makes a ‘good’ parent? Do you want contact? Would it make you feel better to have a lifeline of sorts where at least you would know if he’s ok? Do you think having that connection will make any difference in outcome for your son? Or would knowing what’s going on with him only bring you more pain? There isn’t a single right answer here. You will always let be your son. You are mourning your dream of who you wanted him to be and the kind of life you thought he would have. This is hard stuff. Don’t take on more pain and guilt than you have to. [/QUOTE]
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