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<blockquote data-quote="AKAnnie" data-source="post: 743452" data-attributes="member: 22641"><p>I read through your responses and I hear wisdom...and I feel despair and despondency, too. There is no win.</p><p></p><p>Have we healed? Absolutely not. Are we (husband, 19 year old daughter, 13 year old son, myself) in the process of healing? I think so. But of all of us, I think I am the one that struggles the most. What do I want someone asked. I want what I can't have, which is a healthy son. Since I can't have what I want, at the very least and selfishly, I would want to have contact with him. Because I think I can help or save him? No...not that but more because I at least want to know he's alive and I want him to know I'm here even if he doesn't care. I hear what many of you have said about basically betraying my other children by talking to Oldest...and I certainly don't want to, in any way, bring more harm or hurt to them. But then Copabanana posted in another thread the following:</p><p></p><p>"Where I am heading here is this: The only result I have control over is loving my son. Of trying to stay connected to him. Of being present to him, as he lives his life as he chooses to lead it. But at the same time I need to make sure that I am not impacted by his life and his choices. This is hard work.</p><p></p><p>You are modeling this to me. You are supporting and loving your son, where he is. He knows with all of his heart that you are there for him. That you have stayed with him and that you will be with him no matter where he goes and what happens.This is the greatest of gifts of one human to another. And to me it is the essence of parenting an adult."</p><p></p><p>Okay....but in my circumstances I cannot do that? I cannot behave in such a way as to demonstrate that no matter what his mental illness is, that I will walk the walk with him as his mother even if I'm angry and absolutely do not condone his behavior?</p><p></p><p>I was feeling good when I initially posted my question and now I feel overwhelming grief and despair. </p><p></p><p>This is the worst... Your answers and bluntness don't hurt or offend. The hopelessness of it all is crushing. I don't know how to turn off my heart...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AKAnnie, post: 743452, member: 22641"] I read through your responses and I hear wisdom...and I feel despair and despondency, too. There is no win. Have we healed? Absolutely not. Are we (husband, 19 year old daughter, 13 year old son, myself) in the process of healing? I think so. But of all of us, I think I am the one that struggles the most. What do I want someone asked. I want what I can't have, which is a healthy son. Since I can't have what I want, at the very least and selfishly, I would want to have contact with him. Because I think I can help or save him? No...not that but more because I at least want to know he's alive and I want him to know I'm here even if he doesn't care. I hear what many of you have said about basically betraying my other children by talking to Oldest...and I certainly don't want to, in any way, bring more harm or hurt to them. But then Copabanana posted in another thread the following: "Where I am heading here is this: The only result I have control over is loving my son. Of trying to stay connected to him. Of being present to him, as he lives his life as he chooses to lead it. But at the same time I need to make sure that I am not impacted by his life and his choices. This is hard work. You are modeling this to me. You are supporting and loving your son, where he is. He knows with all of his heart that you are there for him. That you have stayed with him and that you will be with him no matter where he goes and what happens.This is the greatest of gifts of one human to another. And to me it is the essence of parenting an adult." Okay....but in my circumstances I cannot do that? I cannot behave in such a way as to demonstrate that no matter what his mental illness is, that I will walk the walk with him as his mother even if I'm angry and absolutely do not condone his behavior? I was feeling good when I initially posted my question and now I feel overwhelming grief and despair. This is the worst... Your answers and bluntness don't hurt or offend. The hopelessness of it all is crushing. I don't know how to turn off my heart... [/QUOTE]
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