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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 743473" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>You have nothing to feel guilty or selfish about. </p><p></p><p>There is no easy answer as you well know. Choosing to keep a line of communication open with an adult child that has caused so much chaos and pain must be done with very strong boundaries. I learned the hard way with my son that offering too much information about what was going on in my life was not a wise thing to do. I have had periods where I did not communicate with him for many months and once, over a year.</p><p>The times I cut him off for was for my own mental health. Even though he's my son and I love him, I will not allow him to wreak havoc in my life. I will not allow him to destroy the peace I have worked so hard for. I would not allow someone else in my life to treat me badly so it should be no different just because he's my son. </p><p>Toxic people are just that and whether they are family or not, we need to be very cautious when dealing with them. </p><p>It was not easy not "knowing" how my son was doing during the times I cut off communication but I had also worked through some serious acceptance. Once I really accepted that my son was going to continue living his life in a wreckless manner and that he could die was I able to let go and move on. I accepted that I did not need to know all of how he was living and what he was doing. It was better for me to not know.</p><p>I have limited contact with my son. We may talk once every couple of months and when we do it's never a "deep" conversation. I'm glad to hear from him but I know better than to try and engage in a meaningful conversation. I never know what his mood will be or what little thing can set him off. I always tell him I'm glad to hear from him, that I love him and I wish him well. If he starts to ramble on to the point I can no longer bear to listen, I tell him something like "Someone's at the door, gotta go" or "I've got to get going now" - love you, bye - then I hang up.</p><p></p><p>It's okay to keep communication open and it's okay to cut them off. The key to communication is to have strong boundaries in place.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 743473, member: 18516"] You have nothing to feel guilty or selfish about. There is no easy answer as you well know. Choosing to keep a line of communication open with an adult child that has caused so much chaos and pain must be done with very strong boundaries. I learned the hard way with my son that offering too much information about what was going on in my life was not a wise thing to do. I have had periods where I did not communicate with him for many months and once, over a year. The times I cut him off for was for my own mental health. Even though he's my son and I love him, I will not allow him to wreak havoc in my life. I will not allow him to destroy the peace I have worked so hard for. I would not allow someone else in my life to treat me badly so it should be no different just because he's my son. Toxic people are just that and whether they are family or not, we need to be very cautious when dealing with them. It was not easy not "knowing" how my son was doing during the times I cut off communication but I had also worked through some serious acceptance. Once I really accepted that my son was going to continue living his life in a wreckless manner and that he could die was I able to let go and move on. I accepted that I did not need to know all of how he was living and what he was doing. It was better for me to not know. I have limited contact with my son. We may talk once every couple of months and when we do it's never a "deep" conversation. I'm glad to hear from him but I know better than to try and engage in a meaningful conversation. I never know what his mood will be or what little thing can set him off. I always tell him I'm glad to hear from him, that I love him and I wish him well. If he starts to ramble on to the point I can no longer bear to listen, I tell him something like "Someone's at the door, gotta go" or "I've got to get going now" - love you, bye - then I hang up. It's okay to keep communication open and it's okay to cut them off. The key to communication is to have strong boundaries in place. [/QUOTE]
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