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<blockquote data-quote="LoveSushi" data-source="post: 617733" data-attributes="member: 17587"><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Thank you so much, recoveringenabler. Your wisdom and experience is so helpful to me...and I so want your serenity. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">We just discovered that my husband's nice digital camera was also taken. Not my little cheaper one, but the good one that we can take quality photos with. Before. he didn't quite get the devastation I was feeling because he had no emotional attachment to my jewelry, but now he gets it. He understands the feelings of betrayal, of anger, of hurt...he has done so very, very much for her for the last 10 years. She is a horrible creature and I can't believe that she came from me. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Detachment. Jakesmom, you asked me how I came to have the detachment I have with my daughter. (I still can't call her difficult child, and I am having a problem even referring to her as my daughter. How about if I refer to her as my spawn? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">This is from recoveringenabler's article on detachement. The ones in purple are the ones that I am really struggling with, both with my spawn and with my 21 year old son.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">What is detachment?</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Detachment is the:</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.</span></p><p><strong><span style="color: #5900b3">* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.</span></strong></p><p><span style="color: #000000">* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.</span></p><p><strong><span style="color: #5900b3">* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.</span></strong></p><p><span style="color: #5900b3"><strong>* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.</strong></span></p><p><span style="color: #5900b3"><strong>* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.</strong></span></p><p><strong><span style="color: #5900b3">* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.</span></strong></p><p><strong><span style="color: #5900b3">* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.</span></strong></p><p>* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."</p><p><span style="color: #5900b3"><strong>* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.</strong></span></p><p></p><p>I am so not there yet. From the time she was born she has been nothing but heartache, stress and emotional trauma for me. What a waste of the last 19 years this has been.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LoveSushi, post: 617733, member: 17587"] [COLOR=#000000] Thank you so much, recoveringenabler. Your wisdom and experience is so helpful to me...and I so want your serenity. We just discovered that my husband's nice digital camera was also taken. Not my little cheaper one, but the good one that we can take quality photos with. Before. he didn't quite get the devastation I was feeling because he had no emotional attachment to my jewelry, but now he gets it. He understands the feelings of betrayal, of anger, of hurt...he has done so very, very much for her for the last 10 years. She is a horrible creature and I can't believe that she came from me. Detachment. Jakesmom, you asked me how I came to have the detachment I have with my daughter. (I still can't call her difficult child, and I am having a problem even referring to her as my daughter. How about if I refer to her as my spawn? ;) This is from recoveringenabler's article on detachement. The ones in purple are the ones that I am really struggling with, both with my spawn and with my 21 year old son. What is detachment?[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]Detachment is the:[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.[/COLOR] [B][COLOR=#5900b3]* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.[/COLOR][/B] [COLOR=#000000]* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.[/COLOR] [B][COLOR=#5900b3]* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.[/COLOR][/B] [COLOR=#5900b3][B]* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling. * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.[/B][/COLOR] [B][COLOR=#5900b3]* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point. * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.[/COLOR][/B] * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be." [COLOR=#5900b3][B]* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.[/B][/COLOR] I am so not there yet. From the time she was born she has been nothing but heartache, stress and emotional trauma for me. What a waste of the last 19 years this has been. [/QUOTE]
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