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New here. “Loaning” rent and buying food for nearly 19-year old who just squandered $30,000
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 648380" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>What was he like as a young boy, pandora?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>These were the same kinds of changes we saw in our son. We would learn, years later and after much grief and soul searching on our parts, that he had begun using drugs at that time.</p><p></p><p>But around 15 was when the spiral began. By the time he was 16, he had changed so horribly, in every way.</p><p></p><p>He had been meticulous about his appearance, about his room and belongings, about his grades and his friends to the point that at one time, we had believed he might be gay. </p><p></p><p>Everything changed so quickly. </p><p></p><p>We had an older child with problems, already.</p><p></p><p>Drug use was involved there, too.</p><p></p><p>We knew there was drug use, but we did not know that everything we were seeing was a result of drug use. We began that whole, hellish process of blaming ourselves and trying to find and address where we had gone wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Twenty years have passed.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too.</p><p></p><p>None of that fit with the boy I had raised. It took me forever to put the pieces together. In fact that is only happening now, here on the site. I just could not see it, before. </p><p></p><p>And my son is in his late thirties.</p><p></p><p>That is a tragic story for my son. But. Understanding that the heart of the freaking problem my life has revolved around had so little to do with our family or our parenting changes everything for me.</p><p></p><p>Just lately, I am beginning to believe that I am, that my husband and I are, the ones who have been victimized, here.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what to do with everything I feel about this new way of seeing our family's story.</p><p></p><p>It has all been so pointlessly ugly.</p><p></p><p>How sad, for us all. And how rotten, for the innocent grands.</p><p></p><p>And for our children, and for the waste of it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ours, too.</p><p></p><p>Both of them.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>An invaluable insight. </p><p></p><p>It is not easy to say what we see.</p><p></p><p>I am learning, from you.</p><p></p><p>ouch</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The course of events you describe is similar, not only to my story, but to so many of our stories here. Because of those similarities, I agree with those who have already posted that the heart of the problem is drug use. I have a pet theory that drugs wring chemicals needed for proper function out of the brain to create the high. It is (according to me :O) lack of those chemicals that creates the addiction as the brain attempts, ever more frantically, to come back into balance. Given that our stories here are so strikingly similar, I believe it is the capacity for empathy which drug use eventually destroys.</p><p></p><p>So you have the addiction part, and you have the destruction of the capacity for empathy.</p><p></p><p>Our abusing or addicted children turn so cold we hardly know them. It's like they have been kidnapped and are being used to harbor someone who hates us and seeks to destroy us and shame us and hurt us just for the sake of doing so.</p><p></p><p>Our son was into cocaine, at first. And then, I think it devolved into anything he could get. He was so unlike himself when we would see him.</p><p></p><p>I can see this now, but when it was happening, we did not understand that empathy piece in relation to drug use.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Something similar happened with our son.</p><p></p><p>It was gone, and he was deeper in debt, in three months.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>If your child was loving and compassionate and if that has changed since his drug use began, then my take on it is that the mental and emotional changes you are seeing have to do with drug use and not with mental illness or personality disorder. That is a priceless thing to know. You are in a position now to use that lever to help your son find his way into treatment. You have every answer you need. You know you cannot help him in the traditional ways loving parents help their children.</p><p></p><p>You can say: </p><p></p><p>"No money." </p><p></p><p>"I love you too much to watch you self destruct." </p><p></p><p>"Drug use is the source of your problem." </p><p></p><p>"You behavior does not surprise me. It is typical of addicted people." </p><p></p><p>"I will never help you destroy yourself or deepen your addiction."</p><p></p><p>He will hate that.</p><p></p><p>His behavior toward you will escalate.</p><p></p><p>Be ready.</p><p></p><p>Before you determine that this strategy is the one you will use, be certain, in your own mind, that the problem is drug use. Review the literature, read here on Substance Abuse, whatever you need to do to clarify any remaining questions as to cause and effect. This certainty will not be for your son's sake, but for your own. I think we are in a very different battle than the one we all thought we were in. It is going to take everything we have to survive it.</p><p></p><p>As you read with us here you will be shocked, like I was, to learn how similar our kids' behaviors, accusations, and vocabularies are. The things they demand from us, the things they accuse us of, the way they seem to relish destroying any smallest parental joy...that cannot be coincidence.</p><p></p><p>Terrible things are happening to all of us, and to our children. Drug use does seem to be the common denominator. </p><p></p><p>How awful, for all of us.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 648380, member: 17461"] What was he like as a young boy, pandora? These were the same kinds of changes we saw in our son. We would learn, years later and after much grief and soul searching on our parts, that he had begun using drugs at that time. But around 15 was when the spiral began. By the time he was 16, he had changed so horribly, in every way. He had been meticulous about his appearance, about his room and belongings, about his grades and his friends to the point that at one time, we had believed he might be gay. Everything changed so quickly. We had an older child with problems, already. Drug use was involved there, too. We knew there was drug use, but we did not know that everything we were seeing was a result of drug use. We began that whole, hellish process of blaming ourselves and trying to find and address where we had gone wrong. Twenty years have passed. Me, too. None of that fit with the boy I had raised. It took me forever to put the pieces together. In fact that is only happening now, here on the site. I just could not see it, before. And my son is in his late thirties. That is a tragic story for my son. But. Understanding that the heart of the freaking problem my life has revolved around had so little to do with our family or our parenting changes everything for me. Just lately, I am beginning to believe that I am, that my husband and I are, the ones who have been victimized, here. I don't know what to do with everything I feel about this new way of seeing our family's story. It has all been so pointlessly ugly. How sad, for us all. And how rotten, for the innocent grands. And for our children, and for the waste of it. Ours, too. Both of them. An invaluable insight. It is not easy to say what we see. I am learning, from you. ouch The course of events you describe is similar, not only to my story, but to so many of our stories here. Because of those similarities, I agree with those who have already posted that the heart of the problem is drug use. I have a pet theory that drugs wring chemicals needed for proper function out of the brain to create the high. It is (according to me :O) lack of those chemicals that creates the addiction as the brain attempts, ever more frantically, to come back into balance. Given that our stories here are so strikingly similar, I believe it is the capacity for empathy which drug use eventually destroys. So you have the addiction part, and you have the destruction of the capacity for empathy. Our abusing or addicted children turn so cold we hardly know them. It's like they have been kidnapped and are being used to harbor someone who hates us and seeks to destroy us and shame us and hurt us just for the sake of doing so. Our son was into cocaine, at first. And then, I think it devolved into anything he could get. He was so unlike himself when we would see him. I can see this now, but when it was happening, we did not understand that empathy piece in relation to drug use. Something similar happened with our son. It was gone, and he was deeper in debt, in three months. *** If your child was loving and compassionate and if that has changed since his drug use began, then my take on it is that the mental and emotional changes you are seeing have to do with drug use and not with mental illness or personality disorder. That is a priceless thing to know. You are in a position now to use that lever to help your son find his way into treatment. You have every answer you need. You know you cannot help him in the traditional ways loving parents help their children. You can say: "No money." "I love you too much to watch you self destruct." "Drug use is the source of your problem." "You behavior does not surprise me. It is typical of addicted people." "I will never help you destroy yourself or deepen your addiction." He will hate that. His behavior toward you will escalate. Be ready. Before you determine that this strategy is the one you will use, be certain, in your own mind, that the problem is drug use. Review the literature, read here on Substance Abuse, whatever you need to do to clarify any remaining questions as to cause and effect. This certainty will not be for your son's sake, but for your own. I think we are in a very different battle than the one we all thought we were in. It is going to take everything we have to survive it. As you read with us here you will be shocked, like I was, to learn how similar our kids' behaviors, accusations, and vocabularies are. The things they demand from us, the things they accuse us of, the way they seem to relish destroying any smallest parental joy...that cannot be coincidence. Terrible things are happening to all of us, and to our children. Drug use does seem to be the common denominator. How awful, for all of us. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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New here. “Loaning” rent and buying food for nearly 19-year old who just squandered $30,000
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