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<blockquote data-quote="Kathryn" data-source="post: 713308" data-attributes="member: 20947"><p>Neverstopsworry~ The advice from DoneDad and mcdonna are good, sound approaches. Having experienced many similar scenarios, I can also agree that continuing to provide the endless stream of money, will come to no good end. I feel your pain and anguish, and understand your compelling need to 'worry' - but, do remember, there are others (husband and children) who will ultimately feel somewhat ignored, and or 'second fiddle' to your eldest daughter. None of us does this consciously or UNcosciously <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/unsure.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":unsure:" title="unsure :unsure:" data-shortname=":unsure:" /> And, of course, YOUR well being should be uppermost. If you 'collapse' and/or lose your grounding, then your entire household will feel the 'domino' effect. Please know that I am not preaching - just relying on my empathy to 'walk in your shoes'. </p><p></p><p>In the end, whatever decision you settle on, will be unquestionably hard!!! Our effort to "detach" and to stop "enabling" become gigantic hurdles. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remind myself (almost like a mantra) that I must continue to 'detach' from my Borderline (BPD) daughter (31-yrs old, single, with a 7-yr old darling little boy). It would be easy (although a genuine hardship) to just give her money whenever she asks for it. The truly hard choice is NOT giving her the money - and remaining steadfast in my decision. I've also continued to refuse for her and her son to live with me. This absolutely breaks my heart! And, I know that publicly, and to her so-called circle of 'friends', I may seem like the meanest person on earth, who, according to her, is "turning away her daughter and grandson". </p><p></p><p>Bottom line, we must make these very hard and painful decisions - and live by them. Projecting our expectations onto them only results in our feeling of failure. We cannot, and should not, try to 'control' them. Sadly, we need to stand by (not idly - but moving FORWARD with our own lives) and just be present when they are ready to acknowledge their challenges and act upon them. Try not to see into the future - that is beyond our ability, and will only cause you insurmountable stress. </p><p></p><p>I am so glad that you discovered this forum. It has been a Godsend for me. Through the very wise, compassionate and insightful words of others that I've experienced here, and along with my own therapist, I now feel much stronger and more at peace than I have in many, many years (of my 69!). Please stay in touch. We are here for you. </p><p>Warmest wishes,</p><p>Kathryn</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kathryn, post: 713308, member: 20947"] Neverstopsworry~ The advice from DoneDad and mcdonna are good, sound approaches. Having experienced many similar scenarios, I can also agree that continuing to provide the endless stream of money, will come to no good end. I feel your pain and anguish, and understand your compelling need to 'worry' - but, do remember, there are others (husband and children) who will ultimately feel somewhat ignored, and or 'second fiddle' to your eldest daughter. None of us does this consciously or UNcosciously :unsure: And, of course, YOUR well being should be uppermost. If you 'collapse' and/or lose your grounding, then your entire household will feel the 'domino' effect. Please know that I am not preaching - just relying on my empathy to 'walk in your shoes'. In the end, whatever decision you settle on, will be unquestionably hard!!! Our effort to "detach" and to stop "enabling" become gigantic hurdles. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remind myself (almost like a mantra) that I must continue to 'detach' from my Borderline (BPD) daughter (31-yrs old, single, with a 7-yr old darling little boy). It would be easy (although a genuine hardship) to just give her money whenever she asks for it. The truly hard choice is NOT giving her the money - and remaining steadfast in my decision. I've also continued to refuse for her and her son to live with me. This absolutely breaks my heart! And, I know that publicly, and to her so-called circle of 'friends', I may seem like the meanest person on earth, who, according to her, is "turning away her daughter and grandson". Bottom line, we must make these very hard and painful decisions - and live by them. Projecting our expectations onto them only results in our feeling of failure. We cannot, and should not, try to 'control' them. Sadly, we need to stand by (not idly - but moving FORWARD with our own lives) and just be present when they are ready to acknowledge their challenges and act upon them. Try not to see into the future - that is beyond our ability, and will only cause you insurmountable stress. I am so glad that you discovered this forum. It has been a Godsend for me. Through the very wise, compassionate and insightful words of others that I've experienced here, and along with my own therapist, I now feel much stronger and more at peace than I have in many, many years (of my 69!). Please stay in touch. We are here for you. Warmest wishes, Kathryn [/QUOTE]
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