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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 713325" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>I want to say, first, I am sorry. This is very hard and while there is the occasional family that is blessed and this turns around quickly it may not get easier soon. And that is what informs my answer.</p><p></p><p>You must do for YOU. For you to get through it. What you need to do to not be consumed by worry or guilt. What you need to do to breathe every day. What you need to do to live through this.</p><p></p><p>Because the thing is, I have tried every single thing. With the focus on my son. Do this, that, and that--and maybe he will change. The results you want cannot be located in your child. Because there is not one thing we can do to permanently influence another adult person, especially our grown children. She will not realize how good she has it until she is ready. That may be tomorrow. Or never.</p><p></p><p>Your other kids and your family as a whole (let alone you, your husband and your marriage) matter as much or more than does she. They cannot and should not be sacrificed. You have a duty to protect them from suffering from the depletion of your energy, hope and joy, and the sense that they have lost the loving attention of their parent, as well as the effects of your daughter's choices.</p><p></p><p>The thing we have to face (which is the hardest of all for me) is that while it may be it is the drug's fault, it may also be that our kids are choosing and want this lifestyle. Just because we may have given them everything we believed they should have or need, does not mean that they do not want something different.</p><p></p><p>That is why the sooner we can find a way to survive this, by putting the locus of control back in us--to live from ourselves, for our welfare, based upon who we are and what our values are--the better it is for everybody. Right now your daughter's misbehavior and problems are driving the car in which the whole family is riding. This is not good for her, you or anybody.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what you should do and nobody on the internet will know either--for you. But you know. I would say stop looking to have an effect on her and start thinking about what you need.</p><p></p><p>This is the time for spirituality, for friendships, for massage, hobbies, for time alone with your husband, and camping or fishing or bowling, for dancing, for music and gardening and hikes.</p><p></p><p>This is what I did not do. I should have.</p><p></p><p>She has said no to more therapy. What about drug treatment? What about Dual Diagnosis Residential Treatment? She should still be on your insurance. What about 12 step groups?</p><p></p><p>Bottom lines are hard. I had about 4 million. I have always had a hard time with my son doing nothing productive. So I forced it. That and treatment. But the thing is, eventually they will prevail. They will live the lives they can and want. No matter what we do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 713325, member: 18958"] Welcome. I want to say, first, I am sorry. This is very hard and while there is the occasional family that is blessed and this turns around quickly it may not get easier soon. And that is what informs my answer. You must do for YOU. For you to get through it. What you need to do to not be consumed by worry or guilt. What you need to do to breathe every day. What you need to do to live through this. Because the thing is, I have tried every single thing. With the focus on my son. Do this, that, and that--and maybe he will change. The results you want cannot be located in your child. Because there is not one thing we can do to permanently influence another adult person, especially our grown children. She will not realize how good she has it until she is ready. That may be tomorrow. Or never. Your other kids and your family as a whole (let alone you, your husband and your marriage) matter as much or more than does she. They cannot and should not be sacrificed. You have a duty to protect them from suffering from the depletion of your energy, hope and joy, and the sense that they have lost the loving attention of their parent, as well as the effects of your daughter's choices. The thing we have to face (which is the hardest of all for me) is that while it may be it is the drug's fault, it may also be that our kids are choosing and want this lifestyle. Just because we may have given them everything we believed they should have or need, does not mean that they do not want something different. That is why the sooner we can find a way to survive this, by putting the locus of control back in us--to live from ourselves, for our welfare, based upon who we are and what our values are--the better it is for everybody. Right now your daughter's misbehavior and problems are driving the car in which the whole family is riding. This is not good for her, you or anybody. I do not know what you should do and nobody on the internet will know either--for you. But you know. I would say stop looking to have an effect on her and start thinking about what you need. This is the time for spirituality, for friendships, for massage, hobbies, for time alone with your husband, and camping or fishing or bowling, for dancing, for music and gardening and hikes. This is what I did not do. I should have. She has said no to more therapy. What about drug treatment? What about Dual Diagnosis Residential Treatment? She should still be on your insurance. What about 12 step groups? Bottom lines are hard. I had about 4 million. I have always had a hard time with my son doing nothing productive. So I forced it. That and treatment. But the thing is, eventually they will prevail. They will live the lives they can and want. No matter what we do. [/QUOTE]
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