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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 394458" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>For me, this would mean no more enjoyable outings for difficult child. I would do my shopping when he's at school and take him absolutely nowhere. Again, a one or two-sentence</p><p>explanation: When you go berserk in the mall and run off, it means you don't go out with me. When I am satisfied that you are prepared to be good company on an outing,</p><p>you will go out again. No discussion, explanations, justifications, or being side-tracked into defending yourself or the way you dealt with his sibs. Just the action, the </p><p>consequence for his action. Another time, if he runs off, I would consider calling police, going home, and waiting for them to bring him home. He's sure you're going to look for him. Surprise him. </p><p></p><p>The first time I really surprised my difficult child 1, it had a major effect. We were on our way home from a therapist appointment in connection with his outpatient rehab; he had been</p><p>'called' on numerous lies he'd told the therapists. He was fuming, and on the way home in the car he began yelling and pounding the dashboard and car window, and swearing.</p><p>Then he called me a really bad name. I abruptly pulled over to the shoulder, stopped the car, and told him to get out. He was speechless. I told him again, just - Get Out. He</p><p>stared at me, got out, slammed the door hard enough to shake the car, and stood there. I drove off and went home. I'm sure he stood there for some time, expecting me to come</p><p>back and pick him up. He walked home and arrived a while later, came in silently, and went to his room. He then left again, going out for a walk. I was prepared for pretty much anything - for him to call</p><p>his drug buddies and stay away, or whatever. Instead he walked around a big farmer's field for about an hour (we live in a rural valley and I could actually see him <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite7" alt=":p" title="Stick Out Tongue :p" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":p" />) and then came</p><p>back. He didn't swear at me or call me names again. </p><p></p><p>I think it was the action that made the difference. I'd told him over and over not to speak to me in that way, not to pound things, etc. etc. It was only when I did something decisive that he</p><p>took notice. </p><p></p><p>So ... at the very least, no more cosy shopping outings. No visits to stores he likes. And I'd consider removing something he really cares about, whether his computer, or his cell phone, etc.</p><p>When he demands it back, you look him in the eye and tell him IF it ever comes back, he'll have to earn it. Then disengage. Never stay involved in a long shouting match, never explain. </p><p>That's how he derails you. </p><p></p><p>I realize he may become violent, depending on what's going on with him. Your situation with the police is such a problem here. I can only reiterate - try to contact the next level up of law</p><p>enforcement. If they ask why you're not using the municipals, tell them exactly why, with names and dates. And tell them you're requesting their help specifically. </p><p></p><p>Your son may not become violent, though - he may be so caught off guard by you changing the 'rules', the patterns by which you both interact, that he may have to go off and process it,</p><p>like my son did. If he leaves the house, you can call police and report him a runaway. Get a paper trail started and the therapist you're hopefully going to find can tell him where that leads.</p><p>I'm sorry - public scenes are tough. But you can call him on it. Best of luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 394458, member: 2884"] For me, this would mean no more enjoyable outings for difficult child. I would do my shopping when he's at school and take him absolutely nowhere. Again, a one or two-sentence explanation: When you go berserk in the mall and run off, it means you don't go out with me. When I am satisfied that you are prepared to be good company on an outing, you will go out again. No discussion, explanations, justifications, or being side-tracked into defending yourself or the way you dealt with his sibs. Just the action, the consequence for his action. Another time, if he runs off, I would consider calling police, going home, and waiting for them to bring him home. He's sure you're going to look for him. Surprise him. The first time I really surprised my difficult child 1, it had a major effect. We were on our way home from a therapist appointment in connection with his outpatient rehab; he had been 'called' on numerous lies he'd told the therapists. He was fuming, and on the way home in the car he began yelling and pounding the dashboard and car window, and swearing. Then he called me a really bad name. I abruptly pulled over to the shoulder, stopped the car, and told him to get out. He was speechless. I told him again, just - Get Out. He stared at me, got out, slammed the door hard enough to shake the car, and stood there. I drove off and went home. I'm sure he stood there for some time, expecting me to come back and pick him up. He walked home and arrived a while later, came in silently, and went to his room. He then left again, going out for a walk. I was prepared for pretty much anything - for him to call his drug buddies and stay away, or whatever. Instead he walked around a big farmer's field for about an hour (we live in a rural valley and I could actually see him :P) and then came back. He didn't swear at me or call me names again. I think it was the action that made the difference. I'd told him over and over not to speak to me in that way, not to pound things, etc. etc. It was only when I did something decisive that he took notice. So ... at the very least, no more cosy shopping outings. No visits to stores he likes. And I'd consider removing something he really cares about, whether his computer, or his cell phone, etc. When he demands it back, you look him in the eye and tell him IF it ever comes back, he'll have to earn it. Then disengage. Never stay involved in a long shouting match, never explain. That's how he derails you. I realize he may become violent, depending on what's going on with him. Your situation with the police is such a problem here. I can only reiterate - try to contact the next level up of law enforcement. If they ask why you're not using the municipals, tell them exactly why, with names and dates. And tell them you're requesting their help specifically. Your son may not become violent, though - he may be so caught off guard by you changing the 'rules', the patterns by which you both interact, that he may have to go off and process it, like my son did. If he leaves the house, you can call police and report him a runaway. Get a paper trail started and the therapist you're hopefully going to find can tell him where that leads. I'm sorry - public scenes are tough. But you can call him on it. Best of luck. [/QUOTE]
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