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New here...any other step-parents??? This is long...
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<blockquote data-quote="LoveMyDuke" data-source="post: 310765"><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">MWMom, thanks for your candor. Believe it or not, I am well aware of the situation I am inSOs parenting skills (or lack therof), the fact that I can change nothing and HE is the parent, the reality that SS will be sick for the rest of his life. All things I know to be true all too well. But I am in a position right now where I cant leave. Not now. Id rather not go into all my rationale behind that, but at this moment it is what it is. I am part of their lives and that is the reality I have to deal with.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I believe SSs mother DID drink while she was pregnant. A lot. SOs own mother told me as much. However, SO doesnt remember it that way. He says he remembers seeing her drink a beer once. Now, that may sound like he is just blowing it off or unwilling to admit the truth but read further below for my impression of his awareness of things and events around him. This is a weird story, but it makes a point. When he and I first met, my dog (Duke) and I were at SOs house. Now, Duke is very well trained and certainly house trained. He never has accidents or marks. But that night, he apparently got it in his head that he should lift his leg on SOs entertainment center. He and I were watching a movie and the living room in that house was very small. We were sitting probably 6 feet or less from the TV. To my horror, Duke stood there peeing, but SO never so much as flinched. He never saw it, never heard it. And Duke was RIGHT in front of him. This is an example of his perception issueshe just doesnt always notice things or see things for what they are. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">As for my sister, careful making assumptions. My oldest nephew is 13 with Tourettes Syndrome and had brain surgery at 7 mos of age. My middle nephew is 11 and has severe ADHD and just last week had heart surgery. My niece is 8 and has speech difficulties. My point was one of example and not comparison between SS and them. I was trying to expressand maybe it didnt come out just rightthat parenting plays a huge role. SO is a lazy, uninvolved parent where my sister is amazingly involved and lives to nurture/develop her kids. Granted, none of them has mental illness, but the difference between SS and those kids is worlds apart. I have to believe parenting factors in somewhere.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I hope Im not sounding crabby here. I am so tired and worn out and just trying to deal with a difficult situation like everybody else here. I do NOT hate my SS. In fact, more than anything my heart aches for him. No, I do not love him, but I do possess a pretty decent dose of human compassion. On a human level it pains me to see this child suffering and he cant do a damn thing about it for himself. His DAD needs to help him. Dad doesnt know how. The only one who knows how is me. I am trying desperately to get through to my SO so that he sees what HE needs to do.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">It is sometimes especially hard for me sometimes because I do have a daughter. She died in 1992. I get so unbelievably frustrated and heartsick to see my SS thrashing and hurting. I would do anything in this world to have Ashley back and be her momand here SO has his son and he doesnt do anything for him. Some of my anger over the situation stems from this. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">SS was taken over to Grampa and Grandmas last night because he was being so unbearable and out of control. He usually settles down at their house. He told his dad my head just goes crazy sometimes and I dont know why. SO also commented to me that he wonders if SS has autism (he rocks and sways A LOT). I have always suspected Aspergers, but the psychologist who did the NP said no way. Now Im not sure. SO wants to bring it up at the next psychiatry appointment. This is a huge step SO does not exactly have a history of taking initiative on much of anything.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Thing is, I dont WANT to change this situation and be in charge. I want him to. He just doesnt know how. I have sometimes wondered if he is not an Aspie himself. He has a lot of the hallmark characteristics for adults. But he has never really had issue with social relationships, so I dont know. Im no clinician. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I would never, ever even remotely consider marriage without significant counselingfamily and couples. You are absolutely right about SO and his history with girlfriends. Im sure you and I would agree wildly on his virtues as a father. The thing with him is that he its not that he doesnt care .he just seems not to be <em>aware</em> of what he needs to do as a father. I dont know how to explain it. He is intellectually bright but just doesnt perceive situations the way other people do. Im on the opposite end of that spectrumhighly intuitive and perceptiveso I notice a lot of his nuances and idiosyncrasies. Like I said, I cant explain it. He is just different from other people. He has an extraordinarily difficult time establishing priorities. Not because he doesnt care, but seemingly because he just has no clue. He does what seems right for <em>him</em> at the moment and doesnt think of long-term or big picture ramifications. Its not out of lack for concern for othersits just this weird thing I dont know how to describe. Dont get me wrong, Im not defending his actions. More than anything I want to <em>understand</em> them. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I hope I can vent here and not be judged. Sometimes I get really upset and worked up and say things just because I need to get it off my chest. And if you didnt notice I have a love for words and tend sometimes to say too much! Its just my way.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Anyway, good news is I have the whole house to myself today .woo-hoo!!! I fully intend to curl up with homework and a fire and just worry about me today. </span></span></span></p><p><img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LoveMyDuke, post: 310765"] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]MWMom, thanks for your candor. Believe it or not, I am well aware of the situation I am inSOs parenting skills (or lack therof), the fact that I can change nothing and HE is the parent, the reality that SS will be sick for the rest of his life. All things I know to be true all too well. But I am in a position right now where I cant leave. Not now. Id rather not go into all my rationale behind that, but at this moment it is what it is. I am part of their lives and that is the reality I have to deal with.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I believe SSs mother DID drink while she was pregnant. A lot. SOs own mother told me as much. However, SO doesnt remember it that way. He says he remembers seeing her drink a beer once. Now, that may sound like he is just blowing it off or unwilling to admit the truth but read further below for my impression of his awareness of things and events around him. This is a weird story, but it makes a point. When he and I first met, my dog (Duke) and I were at SOs house. Now, Duke is very well trained and certainly house trained. He never has accidents or marks. But that night, he apparently got it in his head that he should lift his leg on SOs entertainment center. He and I were watching a movie and the living room in that house was very small. We were sitting probably 6 feet or less from the TV. To my horror, Duke stood there peeing, but SO never so much as flinched. He never saw it, never heard it. And Duke was RIGHT in front of him. This is an example of his perception issueshe just doesnt always notice things or see things for what they are. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]As for my sister, careful making assumptions. My oldest nephew is 13 with Tourettes Syndrome and had brain surgery at 7 mos of age. My middle nephew is 11 and has severe ADHD and just last week had heart surgery. My niece is 8 and has speech difficulties. My point was one of example and not comparison between SS and them. I was trying to expressand maybe it didnt come out just rightthat parenting plays a huge role. SO is a lazy, uninvolved parent where my sister is amazingly involved and lives to nurture/develop her kids. Granted, none of them has mental illness, but the difference between SS and those kids is worlds apart. I have to believe parenting factors in somewhere.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I hope Im not sounding crabby here. I am so tired and worn out and just trying to deal with a difficult situation like everybody else here. I do NOT hate my SS. In fact, more than anything my heart aches for him. No, I do not love him, but I do possess a pretty decent dose of human compassion. On a human level it pains me to see this child suffering and he cant do a damn thing about it for himself. His DAD needs to help him. Dad doesnt know how. The only one who knows how is me. I am trying desperately to get through to my SO so that he sees what HE needs to do.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]It is sometimes especially hard for me sometimes because I do have a daughter. She died in 1992. I get so unbelievably frustrated and heartsick to see my SS thrashing and hurting. I would do anything in this world to have Ashley back and be her momand here SO has his son and he doesnt do anything for him. Some of my anger over the situation stems from this. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]SS was taken over to Grampa and Grandmas last night because he was being so unbearable and out of control. He usually settles down at their house. He told his dad my head just goes crazy sometimes and I dont know why. SO also commented to me that he wonders if SS has autism (he rocks and sways A LOT). I have always suspected Aspergers, but the psychologist who did the NP said no way. Now Im not sure. SO wants to bring it up at the next psychiatry appointment. This is a huge step SO does not exactly have a history of taking initiative on much of anything.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Thing is, I dont WANT to change this situation and be in charge. I want him to. He just doesnt know how. I have sometimes wondered if he is not an Aspie himself. He has a lot of the hallmark characteristics for adults. But he has never really had issue with social relationships, so I dont know. Im no clinician. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I would never, ever even remotely consider marriage without significant counselingfamily and couples. You are absolutely right about SO and his history with girlfriends. Im sure you and I would agree wildly on his virtues as a father. The thing with him is that he its not that he doesnt care .he just seems not to be [I]aware[/I] of what he needs to do as a father. I dont know how to explain it. He is intellectually bright but just doesnt perceive situations the way other people do. Im on the opposite end of that spectrumhighly intuitive and perceptiveso I notice a lot of his nuances and idiosyncrasies. Like I said, I cant explain it. He is just different from other people. He has an extraordinarily difficult time establishing priorities. Not because he doesnt care, but seemingly because he just has no clue. He does what seems right for [I]him[/I] at the moment and doesnt think of long-term or big picture ramifications. Its not out of lack for concern for othersits just this weird thing I dont know how to describe. Dont get me wrong, Im not defending his actions. More than anything I want to [I]understand[/I] them. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I hope I can vent here and not be judged. Sometimes I get really upset and worked up and say things just because I need to get it off my chest. And if you didnt notice I have a love for words and tend sometimes to say too much! Its just my way.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Anyway, good news is I have the whole house to myself today .woo-hoo!!! I fully intend to curl up with homework and a fire and just worry about me today. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] :happy: [/QUOTE]
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