Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New here...any other step-parents??? This is long...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 310901" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>LMD, I am so very sorry that my post upset you. I think I probably didn't express myself well. We all have baggage and sometimes mis-speak or just plain get it wrong. PLEASE don't let my ill-chosen words chase you off! They were not meant that way.</p><p></p><p>For assuming there are financial reasons you stay in this relationship, I apologize. I simply cannot fathom staying in a relationship where my partner allowed his child to treat me that way. I also cannot fathom staying in a household with a difficult child (difficult child) unless I loved the child beyond reason. Maybe I have just spent too much of my life with family who is wired differently, I just don't know. </p><p></p><p>But that is MY bias and I did not mean to whomp you upside the head with it. You can whomp me back if you want.</p><p></p><p>I grew up with a father who very clearly has Asperger's. My bro also has it and I would probably be at least a borderline Asperger's if I ever got evaluated. My dad and bro have NOT been evaluated, but they are even more Aspie than my difficult child (Wiz). Each of them has his or her problems, they very much think and process info differently than other people.</p><p></p><p>Having Aspergers or another autistic spectrum disorder is NOT the dire thing it is often portrayed as. It means the person thinks differently and doesn't "get it" in social situations. It would be one possible explanation for your SO's behavior. For example your dog peeing on his entertainment center - SO may not have blinked an eye because his dog did it so he may have just thought all dogs did it. </p><p></p><p>It would be one very plausible explanation for the way he isn't aware of how to handle problems, set priorities, or see the big picture ramifications. </p><p></p><p>If you do some research on adults with Asperger's you may get that explanation you want. Or you may not. Either way it doesn't change who he is or what you love about him. It would give you a framework to understand him, and ideas for ways to help the entire family. </p><p></p><p>Also, people with Aspergers are NOT antisocial and cut off from the world. My father was a very effective and loved teacher for 37 years. He taught in inner city (read ghetto) schools in one large city for 12 years. He had jr high and high school students and taught wood, metal, automotive and other shop classes. He then moved (with the family) to a small city in OK where he drove 90 minutes to a large city and taught science for 25 years. His students, hundreds of them, call, email, write and visit. </p><p></p><p>So I mean NO insult when I suggest Asperger's. NONE. I KNOW how far an Aspie can go. There really are no limits. I just mean to look at it as another way to understand what may be going on.</p><p></p><p>What I said about the grandparents was not phrased well. I am sure they were not afraid SO would hurt him. They may have worried that he might not understand what SS needs or how to handle a situation. So they gave SS the right to come to them whenever he wanted. Though it was done with the best of intentions, it has spiralled into some not as wanted behaviors and coping skills.</p><p></p><p>Is that clearer? About the grandparents, I mean.</p><p></p><p>Your SO may not have any problems. I only have the info you posted to try to understand the situation. Again, if I am wrong (and I fully expect I am at least partly wrong), I mean no offense. I apologize if anything I said hurt or upset you or made you angry. As with all things here, take what helps and forget/ignore the rest. No hard feelings will ever come from me on that.</p><p></p><p>for ways to cope I have a few suggestions. Of course more testing could be helpful. But that won't give you a life preserver when you feel you are sinking. One book we recommend highly is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You by Dr. Riley is also excellent. </p><p></p><p>I also suggest reading The Out of Sync Child by Kranowitz. It explains sensory integration disorder en the brain cannot handle input from the senses in the "normal" way) and how to help if your child has it. Even MORE helpful, in my opinion, is The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Kranowitz. It has a lot of activities that provide various types of sensory input. The activities are fun and many are inexpensive or have tips to modify them to make them free or inexpensive. </p><p></p><p>I follow my kids on the activities. If they like something then they probably will benefit from the activity. If they just cannot stand it then clearly it isn't the right thing for that child to do.</p><p></p><p>Often if you can provide the right sensory diet you end up with a calmer child who melts down less. Or that is what my kids did. </p><p></p><p>I also find if I keep high protein snacks on hand it makes every outing better. I hide those balance bars (the ones with the 40-30-30 ratio of carb-fat-protein) in my bedroom. When we have to run an errand after school or go do a long list of errands, or have an activity that means a late dinner then I grab one for each kid. It really cuts down on meltdowns, tantrums and rages. </p><p></p><p>Too much sugar also contributes to meltdowns with my boys. My bro was like that also. I did not react that way as a general rule, and my daughter does not react that way either. The boys though, WOW. They will spin themselves into a fury and can be horrible. I have said for YEARS that I would prefer to deal with my brother drunk than after a candy bar on an empty stomach. He is a MEAN drunk, by the way.</p><p></p><p>These are a few of the tips/tools that I use. The ones I can think of offhand.</p><p></p><p>Oh, IF you decide you want to tackle the evaluations, or help if SO decides to, you may want to take a look at the Parent Report. It is a format to help you keep all the info on your difficult child organized and at your fingertips. Some parents here came up with the format years ago. Many of us find it helpful when communicating with a doctor or other professional. It si also helpful for those infernal forms!</p><p></p><p>Anyway, here it a link to the report: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=225" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=225</a></p><p></p><p>I hope you will accept my apology and ignore anything I have said that is off the mark. I truly do NOT mean to be rude or upsetting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 310901, member: 1233"] LMD, I am so very sorry that my post upset you. I think I probably didn't express myself well. We all have baggage and sometimes mis-speak or just plain get it wrong. PLEASE don't let my ill-chosen words chase you off! They were not meant that way. For assuming there are financial reasons you stay in this relationship, I apologize. I simply cannot fathom staying in a relationship where my partner allowed his child to treat me that way. I also cannot fathom staying in a household with a difficult child (difficult child) unless I loved the child beyond reason. Maybe I have just spent too much of my life with family who is wired differently, I just don't know. But that is MY bias and I did not mean to whomp you upside the head with it. You can whomp me back if you want. I grew up with a father who very clearly has Asperger's. My bro also has it and I would probably be at least a borderline Asperger's if I ever got evaluated. My dad and bro have NOT been evaluated, but they are even more Aspie than my difficult child (Wiz). Each of them has his or her problems, they very much think and process info differently than other people. Having Aspergers or another autistic spectrum disorder is NOT the dire thing it is often portrayed as. It means the person thinks differently and doesn't "get it" in social situations. It would be one possible explanation for your SO's behavior. For example your dog peeing on his entertainment center - SO may not have blinked an eye because his dog did it so he may have just thought all dogs did it. It would be one very plausible explanation for the way he isn't aware of how to handle problems, set priorities, or see the big picture ramifications. If you do some research on adults with Asperger's you may get that explanation you want. Or you may not. Either way it doesn't change who he is or what you love about him. It would give you a framework to understand him, and ideas for ways to help the entire family. Also, people with Aspergers are NOT antisocial and cut off from the world. My father was a very effective and loved teacher for 37 years. He taught in inner city (read ghetto) schools in one large city for 12 years. He had jr high and high school students and taught wood, metal, automotive and other shop classes. He then moved (with the family) to a small city in OK where he drove 90 minutes to a large city and taught science for 25 years. His students, hundreds of them, call, email, write and visit. So I mean NO insult when I suggest Asperger's. NONE. I KNOW how far an Aspie can go. There really are no limits. I just mean to look at it as another way to understand what may be going on. What I said about the grandparents was not phrased well. I am sure they were not afraid SO would hurt him. They may have worried that he might not understand what SS needs or how to handle a situation. So they gave SS the right to come to them whenever he wanted. Though it was done with the best of intentions, it has spiralled into some not as wanted behaviors and coping skills. Is that clearer? About the grandparents, I mean. Your SO may not have any problems. I only have the info you posted to try to understand the situation. Again, if I am wrong (and I fully expect I am at least partly wrong), I mean no offense. I apologize if anything I said hurt or upset you or made you angry. As with all things here, take what helps and forget/ignore the rest. No hard feelings will ever come from me on that. for ways to cope I have a few suggestions. Of course more testing could be helpful. But that won't give you a life preserver when you feel you are sinking. One book we recommend highly is The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You by Dr. Riley is also excellent. I also suggest reading The Out of Sync Child by Kranowitz. It explains sensory integration disorder en the brain cannot handle input from the senses in the "normal" way) and how to help if your child has it. Even MORE helpful, in my opinion, is The Out of Sync Child Has Fun by Kranowitz. It has a lot of activities that provide various types of sensory input. The activities are fun and many are inexpensive or have tips to modify them to make them free or inexpensive. I follow my kids on the activities. If they like something then they probably will benefit from the activity. If they just cannot stand it then clearly it isn't the right thing for that child to do. Often if you can provide the right sensory diet you end up with a calmer child who melts down less. Or that is what my kids did. I also find if I keep high protein snacks on hand it makes every outing better. I hide those balance bars (the ones with the 40-30-30 ratio of carb-fat-protein) in my bedroom. When we have to run an errand after school or go do a long list of errands, or have an activity that means a late dinner then I grab one for each kid. It really cuts down on meltdowns, tantrums and rages. Too much sugar also contributes to meltdowns with my boys. My bro was like that also. I did not react that way as a general rule, and my daughter does not react that way either. The boys though, WOW. They will spin themselves into a fury and can be horrible. I have said for YEARS that I would prefer to deal with my brother drunk than after a candy bar on an empty stomach. He is a MEAN drunk, by the way. These are a few of the tips/tools that I use. The ones I can think of offhand. Oh, IF you decide you want to tackle the evaluations, or help if SO decides to, you may want to take a look at the Parent Report. It is a format to help you keep all the info on your difficult child organized and at your fingertips. Some parents here came up with the format years ago. Many of us find it helpful when communicating with a doctor or other professional. It si also helpful for those infernal forms! Anyway, here it a link to the report: [url]http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=225[/url] I hope you will accept my apology and ignore anything I have said that is off the mark. I truly do NOT mean to be rude or upsetting. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New here...any other step-parents??? This is long...
Top