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New here...any other step-parents??? This is long...
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<blockquote data-quote="LoveMyDuke" data-source="post: 312251"><p>I realize this is a bit after-the-fact...but I wanted to thank you all for your comments. Quite frankly, I am so overwhelmed by it all that for now I've just shut down. I live upstairs in my study, they live downstairs in the family room. We sometimes run into each other on the main level, but that's about where the interaction with both SO AND SS ends. </p><p></p><p>I am convinced that SO displays Aspie tendencies. I've done a ton of research and there's no question in my mind. But really, what does it matter? He is who he is regardless of an official diagnosis or not. He says "this is who I am" and displays no desire to change that. </p><p> </p><p> Marguerite&#8212;The grandparents are no help at all. The coddle him and blame SO for all SS's problems. They would NEVER give credence to a mental health diagnosis. They have such a low opinion of SO's parenting that I doubt they would believe a single thing other than to point fingers his way. Grandma is a 'closet' alcoholic, and Grampa can be brutally mean to SO...although SO doesn't see it this way (typical of his perception issues). He once told me 'I could never say a single bad thing about my dad,' and this after I had just heard his dad earlier that day say what a lazy, irresponsible loser SO is! It's not denial&#8212;it's different. It seems to be a true inability to 'see things for what they are.'</p><p> </p><p> As for stable influences for SS, that would be me. There simply is no one else.</p><p> </p><p> GoingNorth&#8212;Thanks, I will definitely do some searches on WSM and her situation.</p><p> </p><p> Shari&#8212;SO is definitely NOT in denial. He is well aware that something is 'wrong' with SS. It's this weird dynamic I've said before that I have a hard time explaining&#8230;he knows SS is screwed up but doesn't 'care.' Not that he doesn't love his son. He loves him very much; I am 100% certain of this. But the only time he wants to do something about it is when it affects him (SO), such as during the bad rages. (This is very typical of his self-centered ways&#8212;it's always about him, never about the other person.) When the rage ends, in SO's mind the issue is over because now is not having to listen to a screaming child. No need to do anything or follow up. </p><p> </p><p> SO truly has no comprehension of how SS's problems are affecting him, both now and long-term. It's not for lack of love&#8212;it seems to me to be a true lack of ability to perceive the situation for what it is. SO is not a cold-hearted, pathological person who overtly disregards others' feelings out of malice. He just doesn't 'get' what is going on with his son or what to do about it.</p><p> </p><p> MWMOM&#8212;you are so very right about the bio versus step relationship. It definitely IS different when it's a child you have loved since infancy. Not so with me. I've known this kid 3 years. The relationship with him is so damaged that I'm not sure it's even repairable. I have effectively 'given up.' I've tried, but forcing love with this child just is not happening. Right now all I can hope for is tolerance.</p><p> </p><p> I don't know about speech/developmental delays. SO doesn't even know. Again, these are things he just doesn't take notice of. He has no clue about any of SS's developmental history&#8230;none at all. He doesn't even remember potty training. All he could recall of SS's development is that he had a lot of gas as a baby and has had constipation issues his whole life (which the Fish Oil has helped some with).</p><p> </p><p> I don't know. As I contemplate my comment about giving up&#8230;I feel guilt and remorse for even saying that. How can I give up on this kid? I'm his only chance. Yet he is not my kid, not my responsibility. He doesn't care about me at all. He is intolerable to be around and does nothing to endear himself to me. All he does is make my life miserable. So why bother? Because he's an 11 y.o. boy who is screwed without someone with some sense intervening on his behalf. This is the constant moral struggle I go through every single day. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes I feel like such a whiny, broken record! I complain about the same old same old and nothing ever changes. For now I just don't know what to do. All the books and advice in the world will not change SO and honestly, and I cannot take a lead role in addressing SS's issues. SO has to do it or there is no hope for us. That's the bottom line.</p><p> </p><p>I'm meeting with a counselor (today, actually) to talk about my role in all this and taking care of me. There has to be a better way than living in my study. I am in this household for the time being whether I want to be or not....I need to learn ways to deal with it. </p><p></p><p>Again, I thank you all for the support. I have no hard feelings whatsoever on any comments made. I'm first to admit that when I am feeling very stressed out, I tend to be a bit reactive!</p><p> </p><p> Take care, all, and thanks for being here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LoveMyDuke, post: 312251"] I realize this is a bit after-the-fact...but I wanted to thank you all for your comments. Quite frankly, I am so overwhelmed by it all that for now I've just shut down. I live upstairs in my study, they live downstairs in the family room. We sometimes run into each other on the main level, but that's about where the interaction with both SO AND SS ends. I am convinced that SO displays Aspie tendencies. I've done a ton of research and there's no question in my mind. But really, what does it matter? He is who he is regardless of an official diagnosis or not. He says "this is who I am" and displays no desire to change that. Marguerite—The grandparents are no help at all. The coddle him and blame SO for all SS's problems. They would NEVER give credence to a mental health diagnosis. They have such a low opinion of SO's parenting that I doubt they would believe a single thing other than to point fingers his way. Grandma is a 'closet' alcoholic, and Grampa can be brutally mean to SO...although SO doesn't see it this way (typical of his perception issues). He once told me 'I could never say a single bad thing about my dad,' and this after I had just heard his dad earlier that day say what a lazy, irresponsible loser SO is! It's not denial—it's different. It seems to be a true inability to 'see things for what they are.' As for stable influences for SS, that would be me. There simply is no one else. GoingNorth—Thanks, I will definitely do some searches on WSM and her situation. Shari—SO is definitely NOT in denial. He is well aware that something is 'wrong' with SS. It's this weird dynamic I've said before that I have a hard time explaining…he knows SS is screwed up but doesn't 'care.' Not that he doesn't love his son. He loves him very much; I am 100% certain of this. But the only time he wants to do something about it is when it affects him (SO), such as during the bad rages. (This is very typical of his self-centered ways—it's always about him, never about the other person.) When the rage ends, in SO's mind the issue is over because now is not having to listen to a screaming child. No need to do anything or follow up. SO truly has no comprehension of how SS's problems are affecting him, both now and long-term. It's not for lack of love—it seems to me to be a true lack of ability to perceive the situation for what it is. SO is not a cold-hearted, pathological person who overtly disregards others' feelings out of malice. He just doesn't 'get' what is going on with his son or what to do about it. MWMOM—you are so very right about the bio versus step relationship. It definitely IS different when it's a child you have loved since infancy. Not so with me. I've known this kid 3 years. The relationship with him is so damaged that I'm not sure it's even repairable. I have effectively 'given up.' I've tried, but forcing love with this child just is not happening. Right now all I can hope for is tolerance. I don't know about speech/developmental delays. SO doesn't even know. Again, these are things he just doesn't take notice of. He has no clue about any of SS's developmental history…none at all. He doesn't even remember potty training. All he could recall of SS's development is that he had a lot of gas as a baby and has had constipation issues his whole life (which the Fish Oil has helped some with). I don't know. As I contemplate my comment about giving up…I feel guilt and remorse for even saying that. How can I give up on this kid? I'm his only chance. Yet he is not my kid, not my responsibility. He doesn't care about me at all. He is intolerable to be around and does nothing to endear himself to me. All he does is make my life miserable. So why bother? Because he's an 11 y.o. boy who is screwed without someone with some sense intervening on his behalf. This is the constant moral struggle I go through every single day. Sometimes I feel like such a whiny, broken record! I complain about the same old same old and nothing ever changes. For now I just don't know what to do. All the books and advice in the world will not change SO and honestly, and I cannot take a lead role in addressing SS's issues. SO has to do it or there is no hope for us. That's the bottom line. I'm meeting with a counselor (today, actually) to talk about my role in all this and taking care of me. There has to be a better way than living in my study. I am in this household for the time being whether I want to be or not....I need to learn ways to deal with it. Again, I thank you all for the support. I have no hard feelings whatsoever on any comments made. I'm first to admit that when I am feeling very stressed out, I tend to be a bit reactive! Take care, all, and thanks for being here. [/QUOTE]
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