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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 703735" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am so very sorry that your family is enduring this. I know you did the best you could at the time with the information and skills that you had to work with. No mom who cares as much as you clearly do would EVER allow her children to be abused knowingly if she could stop it. Sometimes things are just beyond our control, as much as that is hard to admit.</p><p></p><p>You cannot change your daughter's feelings, but you can be patient with her. I think that YOU need help to get through this. This is incredibly traumatic from a mother's perspective, not just from a daughter's or sisters. And I think you need to get some real help. Both for the situation your daughters' endure and for what YOU endured for all of those years PLEASE get help before you get into another relationship. I have a relative who I adore who has gone from one relationship to another (more than 9 marriages, most abusive on one level or another) until she got some real help and figures out WHY she kept choosing men who harmed her, why she didn't choose men who would treat her with respect. </p><p></p><p>There are places you can get help, for free or for very low cost. There are domestic violence associations in most counties in the US that offer counseling, group and individual. I have used these and they are VERY good. Most 4 year colleges have psychology departments that offer counseling services at free or low cost. There is a group called RAINN that can help you find local organizations that will provide counseling and help for sexual violence support of all kinds. Their website is <a href="https://centers.rainn.org/" target="_blank">https://centers.rainn.org/</a> They are supposed to be an excellent organization.</p><p></p><p>The BEST way to help your daughters, at this point, is to help yourself. It is a cliche, but you really cannot save your daughter until you save yourself. Just like on an airplane when you have to put the oxygen on yourself before your child, you have to heal yourself first before you can even begin to address whatever is going on with your daughter in a healthy way. You just have to let her work her way through her feelings in her own way. </p><p></p><p>If she is willing to go to therapy, and you are willing, going to sessions with her might be helpful. But joint sessions should NOT be how therapy starts for either of you, as you both need to work though quite a lot before this would be helpful.</p><p></p><p>You need to work on forgiving yourself. You did the best you could. You made mistakes, you didn't have all the information and didn't know all that was going on, but you did the very best you could at the time. If you could have done better, you would have. Learning how to forgive yourself is important. It is also incredibly difficult.</p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 703735, member: 1233"] I am so very sorry that your family is enduring this. I know you did the best you could at the time with the information and skills that you had to work with. No mom who cares as much as you clearly do would EVER allow her children to be abused knowingly if she could stop it. Sometimes things are just beyond our control, as much as that is hard to admit. You cannot change your daughter's feelings, but you can be patient with her. I think that YOU need help to get through this. This is incredibly traumatic from a mother's perspective, not just from a daughter's or sisters. And I think you need to get some real help. Both for the situation your daughters' endure and for what YOU endured for all of those years PLEASE get help before you get into another relationship. I have a relative who I adore who has gone from one relationship to another (more than 9 marriages, most abusive on one level or another) until she got some real help and figures out WHY she kept choosing men who harmed her, why she didn't choose men who would treat her with respect. There are places you can get help, for free or for very low cost. There are domestic violence associations in most counties in the US that offer counseling, group and individual. I have used these and they are VERY good. Most 4 year colleges have psychology departments that offer counseling services at free or low cost. There is a group called RAINN that can help you find local organizations that will provide counseling and help for sexual violence support of all kinds. Their website is [URL]https://centers.rainn.org/[/URL] They are supposed to be an excellent organization. The BEST way to help your daughters, at this point, is to help yourself. It is a cliche, but you really cannot save your daughter until you save yourself. Just like on an airplane when you have to put the oxygen on yourself before your child, you have to heal yourself first before you can even begin to address whatever is going on with your daughter in a healthy way. You just have to let her work her way through her feelings in her own way. If she is willing to go to therapy, and you are willing, going to sessions with her might be helpful. But joint sessions should NOT be how therapy starts for either of you, as you both need to work though quite a lot before this would be helpful. You need to work on forgiving yourself. You did the best you could. You made mistakes, you didn't have all the information and didn't know all that was going on, but you did the very best you could at the time. If you could have done better, you would have. Learning how to forgive yourself is important. It is also incredibly difficult. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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