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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703741" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hurt and sad: I lived a lot of your story in relation to my own mother, who died 3 years ago.</p><p></p><p>I was angry at my mother too. For the last 20 years of her life we reconciled. She was angry at me, too, because she felt abandoned by me, as I had felt by her. When I became a mother is when I reached out to he again. I wanted to have a family. But I became a mother when I was older.</p><p>I do not believe they hate you. I believe they are angry and they have reason to be. They may even be angry at themselves, hold themselves responsible for not having stopped it. And turning their anger on to you. That is often what kids do. They take responsibility and blame themselves. Then when they get older this ambivalence begins to come out. In this case, this was a family tragedy.</p><p></p><p>There could not, <strong>not be</strong> very strong feelings, that overflowed. Right now, they are being directed at you. That does not mean you deserve this judgement. But it seems that they are dealing with their own sense of grief, trauma and regret by making you culpable, in their own minds.</p><p></p><p>This may not be the right thing, or the most healthy thing to do, but it is very human. You are their mother. And it is up to you to stay strong, and to take care of yourself. Not look to them to take care of you. I may be wrong but that is what I think.</p><p></p><p>By staying here on this board and posting, about your own story, and others' you will learn to put yourself at the center of your life, you will learn to give yourself the respect, self-care and love you deserve and have always deserved.</p><p></p><p>Life does not come wrapped up like a present with a bow. It can be cruel and vicious, as well as sweet. And we are not equipped sometimes to deal with life as it comes. Or we do not know, like you did not know, the nature of the evil with which you were living. This is more common than we acknowledge. Believe me, you are not the only one. Remember. You are human. Not more. Not less.</p><p></p><p>I believe that your daughters will come around, but on their time and terms, not yours. The forgiveness you seek is in you. Not from them.</p><p></p><p>I know how very hard it is because as my mother was dying, I lamented any distance I had put between us. I had not known how much I loved her. Consciously, I had not known. And as she died, the pain and grief that I had voluntarily distanced myself for years, engulfed me.</p><p></p><p>That is why I know that your daughters love you. Deeply love you. It is themselves who they doubt. I think they are trying to work out their own sense of having erred. You have been a good mother to them, as good. Nobody is a perfect mother. Motherhood will teach them that.</p><p></p><p>The reality is that you cannot do one thing to make them or help them change, until they learn what it is to be human, and what life is.</p><p></p><p>But that does not mean you cannot help yourself, learn to forgive and embrace your own humanity. You are human. Can you not forgive yourself, for having done the best you could, under horrible circumstances?</p><p></p><p>You did not disbelieve your daughters when they came to you. What happened is that you could not conceive of the evil that THIS MAN was doing, which he concealed from you, and lied about.</p><p></p><p>The issue here is boundaries. I cannot conceive of a situation where a man would fall asleep near a child, but it happens all of the time. It happened to me, in fact. I guess that is why I have trouble believing it.</p><p></p><p>I am trying myself to learn how to locate power within myself and to fortify that part of me that cannot be convinced to not believe I see what I see or hear what I hear-I am finding that it is I who undermine my own knowing and acting. I want to change this.</p><p></p><p>I admire you (for your courage and your devotion as a mother) and I admire your daughters:</p><p></p><p>You will find peace when you know in your heart your own worth and live from that. On that day we will not be so affected by how others define us from their own hurt and pain or even, their cruelty. <em>When you stop judging yourself as the mother who let her children be sexually abused. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Right now, your daughters need to do what they need to do. It is between them and G-d if they are believers. They are responsible and accountable for their choices. And only they can some day change them.</p><p></p><p>Your kids are grown. Let them be, that is what I say<em>. You take care of you. Your job now is to understand that you are worth it. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Posting will help. <em>I hope you stay with us. Welcome. We are glad, so glad, you are here.</em></p><p> The answer is yes and yes. The power to move this along between you is not in you. This will be her decision, not yours.</p><p></p><p>Letting go, is for right now, to focus on you, on finding ways to nourish yourself, forgive yourself, believe in yourself, sustain yourself. If you are a believer--every religious tradition of which I am aware offers this--a way back to belief.</p><p>I cannot do this. I could not and I cannot. But you can take a time out, can't you?</p><p></p><p>Part of your role as a mother, is as a model. You cannot allow yourself to be either punished, disrespected or dishonored, by your children. None of us can or should. It is not good for us, or for them. Consider this a time out.</p><p></p><p>Let your daughters learn from life, so that they can change. Use this as a learning opportunity to change, too. This can be viewed as a good thing.</p><p>I agreed with Praecepta, but I would not look for a therapist in the yellow pages. I think a referral from a doctor might be better. Or a health center or clinic.</p><p></p><p>Tomorrow I have an appointment at a community health center that is religiously oriented, but not of my own religion. I am excited to see what their approach will be, so that I can learn something new.</p><p></p><p>That is where our tragedies and our sufferings have brought us: to the need to reach out and to accept a new way to see things. <u>It is not your fault. You are not alone.</u></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703741, member: 18958"] Hurt and sad: I lived a lot of your story in relation to my own mother, who died 3 years ago. I was angry at my mother too. For the last 20 years of her life we reconciled. She was angry at me, too, because she felt abandoned by me, as I had felt by her. When I became a mother is when I reached out to he again. I wanted to have a family. But I became a mother when I was older. I do not believe they hate you. I believe they are angry and they have reason to be. They may even be angry at themselves, hold themselves responsible for not having stopped it. And turning their anger on to you. That is often what kids do. They take responsibility and blame themselves. Then when they get older this ambivalence begins to come out. In this case, this was a family tragedy. There could not, [B]not be[/B] very strong feelings, that overflowed. Right now, they are being directed at you. That does not mean you deserve this judgement. But it seems that they are dealing with their own sense of grief, trauma and regret by making you culpable, in their own minds. This may not be the right thing, or the most healthy thing to do, but it is very human. You are their mother. And it is up to you to stay strong, and to take care of yourself. Not look to them to take care of you. I may be wrong but that is what I think. By staying here on this board and posting, about your own story, and others' you will learn to put yourself at the center of your life, you will learn to give yourself the respect, self-care and love you deserve and have always deserved. Life does not come wrapped up like a present with a bow. It can be cruel and vicious, as well as sweet. And we are not equipped sometimes to deal with life as it comes. Or we do not know, like you did not know, the nature of the evil with which you were living. This is more common than we acknowledge. Believe me, you are not the only one. Remember. You are human. Not more. Not less. I believe that your daughters will come around, but on their time and terms, not yours. The forgiveness you seek is in you. Not from them. I know how very hard it is because as my mother was dying, I lamented any distance I had put between us. I had not known how much I loved her. Consciously, I had not known. And as she died, the pain and grief that I had voluntarily distanced myself for years, engulfed me. That is why I know that your daughters love you. Deeply love you. It is themselves who they doubt. I think they are trying to work out their own sense of having erred. You have been a good mother to them, as good. Nobody is a perfect mother. Motherhood will teach them that. The reality is that you cannot do one thing to make them or help them change, until they learn what it is to be human, and what life is. But that does not mean you cannot help yourself, learn to forgive and embrace your own humanity. You are human. Can you not forgive yourself, for having done the best you could, under horrible circumstances? You did not disbelieve your daughters when they came to you. What happened is that you could not conceive of the evil that THIS MAN was doing, which he concealed from you, and lied about. The issue here is boundaries. I cannot conceive of a situation where a man would fall asleep near a child, but it happens all of the time. It happened to me, in fact. I guess that is why I have trouble believing it. I am trying myself to learn how to locate power within myself and to fortify that part of me that cannot be convinced to not believe I see what I see or hear what I hear-I am finding that it is I who undermine my own knowing and acting. I want to change this. I admire you (for your courage and your devotion as a mother) and I admire your daughters: You will find peace when you know in your heart your own worth and live from that. On that day we will not be so affected by how others define us from their own hurt and pain or even, their cruelty. [I]When you stop judging yourself as the mother who let her children be sexually abused. [/I] Right now, your daughters need to do what they need to do. It is between them and G-d if they are believers. They are responsible and accountable for their choices. And only they can some day change them. Your kids are grown. Let them be, that is what I say[I]. You take care of you. Your job now is to understand that you are worth it. [/I] Posting will help. [I]I hope you stay with us. Welcome. We are glad, so glad, you are here.[/I] The answer is yes and yes. The power to move this along between you is not in you. This will be her decision, not yours. Letting go, is for right now, to focus on you, on finding ways to nourish yourself, forgive yourself, believe in yourself, sustain yourself. If you are a believer--every religious tradition of which I am aware offers this--a way back to belief. I cannot do this. I could not and I cannot. But you can take a time out, can't you? Part of your role as a mother, is as a model. You cannot allow yourself to be either punished, disrespected or dishonored, by your children. None of us can or should. It is not good for us, or for them. Consider this a time out. Let your daughters learn from life, so that they can change. Use this as a learning opportunity to change, too. This can be viewed as a good thing. I agreed with Praecepta, but I would not look for a therapist in the yellow pages. I think a referral from a doctor might be better. Or a health center or clinic. Tomorrow I have an appointment at a community health center that is religiously oriented, but not of my own religion. I am excited to see what their approach will be, so that I can learn something new. That is where our tragedies and our sufferings have brought us: to the need to reach out and to accept a new way to see things. [U]It is not your fault. You are not alone.[/U] [/QUOTE]
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