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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 744458" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with him. You do need to change...the channel. We sometimes call it here the adult child disaster channel. The key is to recognize that you are the one who goes there and you can change the channel.</p><p></p><p>He has no right to dominate your mind. Get him out of there and get your mind on what you can do for you. Of course it's hard. But that's why you are here. If we can do it you can.</p><p></p><p>How do you KNOW things will get worse? Oh. I agree with you. They will likely blip worse if you pull back, show mild disinterest, change your focus, set limits. But I believe there is a reasonable chance in the longer term he will respond by recognizing that he suffers not you, from his dumb moves. And that is what you want. For him to care about him, not how he can jerk you around.</p><p></p><p>After a period of estrangement and then hostility by him, I am in contact by text with my son. A very wise mother here coached me to stay in contact and supportive. I did. I tell him good morning. Hi. But alot I ask him if he went to the doctor as he has a mortal disease and does not take necessary treatment.</p><p></p><p>Today he wrote back: I'll have the answer for you (and myself) next week.</p><p></p><p>He means I think he will go to the doctor and he feels accountable to himself to be responsible for his health.</p><p></p><p>Even though this is just two words, it is a huge shift. And myself.</p><p></p><p>This is what we seek. They are oil tankers turning around. By sight the change is measured in very incremental steps. But tankers really go very fast. We can't see it though.</p><p></p><p>That is why you need to change: your focus and your attitude and your self talk. A watched pot does not boil. (Sorry for mixed metaphors.)</p><p></p><p>Of course you are furious at him. And rightfully. Be mad. Give yourself as long as you need. But set a deadline. Your life is yours. Take it back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 744458, member: 18958"] I agree with him. You do need to change...the channel. We sometimes call it here the adult child disaster channel. The key is to recognize that you are the one who goes there and you can change the channel. He has no right to dominate your mind. Get him out of there and get your mind on what you can do for you. Of course it's hard. But that's why you are here. If we can do it you can. How do you KNOW things will get worse? Oh. I agree with you. They will likely blip worse if you pull back, show mild disinterest, change your focus, set limits. But I believe there is a reasonable chance in the longer term he will respond by recognizing that he suffers not you, from his dumb moves. And that is what you want. For him to care about him, not how he can jerk you around. After a period of estrangement and then hostility by him, I am in contact by text with my son. A very wise mother here coached me to stay in contact and supportive. I did. I tell him good morning. Hi. But alot I ask him if he went to the doctor as he has a mortal disease and does not take necessary treatment. Today he wrote back: I'll have the answer for you (and myself) next week. He means I think he will go to the doctor and he feels accountable to himself to be responsible for his health. Even though this is just two words, it is a huge shift. And myself. This is what we seek. They are oil tankers turning around. By sight the change is measured in very incremental steps. But tankers really go very fast. We can't see it though. That is why you need to change: your focus and your attitude and your self talk. A watched pot does not boil. (Sorry for mixed metaphors.) Of course you are furious at him. And rightfully. Be mad. Give yourself as long as you need. But set a deadline. Your life is yours. Take it back. [/QUOTE]
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