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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 744509" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Weary,</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for what you are going through but so glad you found us here. This is not an easy journey but I am proof that you can get through this and go on to live a happy life. Read my signature for a little insight into my story.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I encourage you to not hold onto the anger. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be angry. I've been right where you are, I get it. I'm a little farther down the road with my son and something I've learned is when we hold onto anger or guilt, we are giving our difficult child power over our emotions. There is a also a quote that I really like, not sure who said it but it's true. "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"</p><p>I hope you can let go of the anger, not for your son but for you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I am the same way with my son. I have been berated by him for taking a vacation while he was in jail. </p><p>Please understand, you nor I owe our adult children anything. We have raised them as best we could and they are adults now. To blame us is just a weak excuse. I remember when my son was younger he would scream at me "I can't wait till I don't live here anymore, my life is going to be great, I'll get a good job and make lots of money and you will never here from me" Ya, that didn't happen. Your son just like mine, they are adults and can choose how they want to live their lives. If something isn't going well for them, they have the power to change it but they don't, instead they blame us.</p><p></p><p></p><p>My dear friend, you are stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)</p><p>My son has been on/off homeless for most of his adult life - he will be 37 in a few weeks. I have had "desperate" messages from him - "I'm going to starve and freeze to death" to which I replied, I'm sorry you are having a tough time, you need to get to a shelter. I didn't like having to that but I had made the choice that I would no longer enable him. </p><p>You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not do this to him, he has made poor choices for himself. That's on him. </p><p>No, it's not easy to detach but it's necessary if you want to survive and move on. </p><p>Below is the link to a an article on detachment. It's at the top of this forum.</p><p>It's a must read.</p><p><a href="https://conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">https://conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a></p><p></p><p></p><p>You have to start changing your thinking. Again, you are stuck in the FOG.</p><p>By no means are you abandoning your son. He's an adult, he's not an infant that you left on a doorstep.</p><p></p><p>This is not an easy journey but for me, what really helped me, was to fully accept that my son is going to live his life the way he chooses and that I have ZERO control over it. I went through the grieving process and grieved for all the hopes and dreams I used to have for him. I grieved for the sweet little boy he once was. I took my life back piece by piece. I started living for myself. </p><p></p><p>Weary, please be very good to yourself. You deserve to be happy and live your life to the fullest.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 744509, member: 18516"] Hi Weary, I am sorry for what you are going through but so glad you found us here. This is not an easy journey but I am proof that you can get through this and go on to live a happy life. Read my signature for a little insight into my story. I encourage you to not hold onto the anger. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to be angry. I've been right where you are, I get it. I'm a little farther down the road with my son and something I've learned is when we hold onto anger or guilt, we are giving our difficult child power over our emotions. There is a also a quote that I really like, not sure who said it but it's true. "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" I hope you can let go of the anger, not for your son but for you. I am the same way with my son. I have been berated by him for taking a vacation while he was in jail. Please understand, you nor I owe our adult children anything. We have raised them as best we could and they are adults now. To blame us is just a weak excuse. I remember when my son was younger he would scream at me "I can't wait till I don't live here anymore, my life is going to be great, I'll get a good job and make lots of money and you will never here from me" Ya, that didn't happen. Your son just like mine, they are adults and can choose how they want to live their lives. If something isn't going well for them, they have the power to change it but they don't, instead they blame us. My dear friend, you are stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) My son has been on/off homeless for most of his adult life - he will be 37 in a few weeks. I have had "desperate" messages from him - "I'm going to starve and freeze to death" to which I replied, I'm sorry you are having a tough time, you need to get to a shelter. I didn't like having to that but I had made the choice that I would no longer enable him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not do this to him, he has made poor choices for himself. That's on him. No, it's not easy to detach but it's necessary if you want to survive and move on. Below is the link to a an article on detachment. It's at the top of this forum. It's a must read. [URL]https://conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] You have to start changing your thinking. Again, you are stuck in the FOG. By no means are you abandoning your son. He's an adult, he's not an infant that you left on a doorstep. This is not an easy journey but for me, what really helped me, was to fully accept that my son is going to live his life the way he chooses and that I have ZERO control over it. I went through the grieving process and grieved for all the hopes and dreams I used to have for him. I grieved for the sweet little boy he once was. I took my life back piece by piece. I started living for myself. Weary, please be very good to yourself. You deserve to be happy and live your life to the fullest. ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
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