Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New & here's my story (for today)
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 34795" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hang in there. It seems insurmountable at first, but keep holding on to this thought - somewhere in there, is a good kid who wants to do well and who wants you to be proud of him. When he rages, he adds despair to his own burdens - despair that he will never be able to reach his goal of 'normality'. That's when you need to reassure him that it's the behaviour you don't like. Him, you love always, unconditionally.</p><p></p><p>I suspect that if you asked him to help set punishments, he would be far harder on himself than you expect. Once you all can understand and accept the idea of using teamwork to help him learn self-control, you should see some amazing improvements. Of course it won't be perfect - he will still have poor impulse control, high anxiety and a lot of frustration. But it's just a case of changing attitudes all round and maintaining that change as consistency. The consistent attitude is more important than interventionist discipline. When he goes off the rails he's probably mentally beating up on himself harder tan anything you could do. If you can help him keep it in perspective, he should soon see that the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train.</p><p></p><p>Just keep loving him, even when it's not easy. And remember, you can give yourself time out too, if you feel you are losing your patience. And tell him, if you need to, that this is what you had to do. He needs to know that you aren't perfect either. That way he may feel he has a chance of making it. He may also choose to adopt your coping strategy - difficult child 1 will go for a walk when he feels close to losing his temper. He learnt that one from me.</p><p></p><p>My mother was perfect. There was no way I could ever come close to being someone like her. But she was my goal. As a result, I always felt set up for failure, but I also became a perfectionist. This did me a lot of damage until I learned to reach a point at which I had to accept I'd done my best. In doing this, I had to fly in the face of my mother's oft-repeated wisdom, "Near enough is NOT good enough."</p><p></p><p>Which means I now recognise that my mother was not perfect, after all. And only very recently, have I finally come to understand why she was so driven. So sad. But freeing, for me. At last.</p><p></p><p>Show him your humanity and frailty if things happen that way. Apologise to him if you get something wrong. This also helps set him an example. It's all part of showing respect to hopefully teach him respect.</p><p></p><p>If he were a somewhat difficult flatmate who you couldn't evict, because his name is also on the lease, you would deal with things differently to how we tend to deal with our difficult children. Sometimes it helps to think of them in this light.</p><p></p><p>Whatever works for you!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 34795, member: 1991"] Hang in there. It seems insurmountable at first, but keep holding on to this thought - somewhere in there, is a good kid who wants to do well and who wants you to be proud of him. When he rages, he adds despair to his own burdens - despair that he will never be able to reach his goal of 'normality'. That's when you need to reassure him that it's the behaviour you don't like. Him, you love always, unconditionally. I suspect that if you asked him to help set punishments, he would be far harder on himself than you expect. Once you all can understand and accept the idea of using teamwork to help him learn self-control, you should see some amazing improvements. Of course it won't be perfect - he will still have poor impulse control, high anxiety and a lot of frustration. But it's just a case of changing attitudes all round and maintaining that change as consistency. The consistent attitude is more important than interventionist discipline. When he goes off the rails he's probably mentally beating up on himself harder tan anything you could do. If you can help him keep it in perspective, he should soon see that the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT an oncoming train. Just keep loving him, even when it's not easy. And remember, you can give yourself time out too, if you feel you are losing your patience. And tell him, if you need to, that this is what you had to do. He needs to know that you aren't perfect either. That way he may feel he has a chance of making it. He may also choose to adopt your coping strategy - difficult child 1 will go for a walk when he feels close to losing his temper. He learnt that one from me. My mother was perfect. There was no way I could ever come close to being someone like her. But she was my goal. As a result, I always felt set up for failure, but I also became a perfectionist. This did me a lot of damage until I learned to reach a point at which I had to accept I'd done my best. In doing this, I had to fly in the face of my mother's oft-repeated wisdom, "Near enough is NOT good enough." Which means I now recognise that my mother was not perfect, after all. And only very recently, have I finally come to understand why she was so driven. So sad. But freeing, for me. At last. Show him your humanity and frailty if things happen that way. Apologise to him if you get something wrong. This also helps set him an example. It's all part of showing respect to hopefully teach him respect. If he were a somewhat difficult flatmate who you couldn't evict, because his name is also on the lease, you would deal with things differently to how we tend to deal with our difficult children. Sometimes it helps to think of them in this light. Whatever works for you! Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
New & here's my story (for today)
Top