New Member needs advice adult child choosing to be homeless

[Caybre]

Hello all. I thought I was the only Mom dealing with a homeless son. He's 27yrs old now and I'm still wrapped up in trying to get him "help". I can say I have seriously tried everything but each and everything I come up with is never good enough. There's always an excuse why this program didn't work, or why he can't get a job, or why he needs something else. Every halfway house or program I find he lasts for about 4 days or a week at the most and then he leaves for one reason or another. He's been in and out of jail since he was a teen and the last time he ended up in prison. He's been out for a few months now and he is still acting up. I live in Florida and I sent him to Texas to go to a residential program, he left after 3 days. They took him back a few times and then finally told him he can't come back. Now he's homeless in Texas and calls me crying to help him find another place. I've been doing the program search for years. When is enough, enough? How do i stop helping when I live with guilt. I feel like this is my fault and I have to fix it. Does letting go mean I don't care any more? It hurts so bad I can hardly stand it. I have lost about 20 pounds (not complaining) , but all from stress. My body hurts and my nerves are shot. I love my son but OMG!

 

[BusynMember]

If that's your real picture, I would seriously take it off. There are a lot of people here..some are not too stable.

I am sorry about your son. Don't have quite the same experience, but hugs for your hurting heart!

 

[InsaneCdn]

When is enough, enough? How do i stop helping when I live with guilt.

Is what you are doing actually accomplishing anything? If not, then it actually isn't helping - it's just "doing something", which usually is not a good path to be on.

Start, maybe, by getting help for yourself... a good therapist, who can help you deal with the guilt and other negative feelings.

 

[Jabberwockey]

When is enough, enough? How do i stop helping when I live with guilt. I feel like this is my fault and I have to fix it. Does letting go mean I don't care any more? It hurts so bad I can hardly stand it.

Enough is enough when you say so. He is a grown man. Tell him you are his mother not his caretaker. Remind him that he is a grown man, sort it out.

We are going through something similar with our son although he isn't as old. The simple fact of the matter is that your son, like ours, wants you to take care of him. He wants the perks of adulthood without the responsibilities and he wont face them until you force him to. Read some other peoples posts about homeless children. They WILL find a way to survive so there realistically isn't that much to worry about.

Granted, this is all easier said than done! Lil and I are still having issues with our son who is about to turn 20 and still not starting his adult life but we're working on it. Good luck and welcome!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I live in Florida and I sent him to Texas to go to a residential program, he left after 3 days. They took him back a few times and then finally told him he can't come back. Now he's homeless in Texas and calls me crying to help him find another place.

The crying is a manipulation. If you allow it to move you, you will have taught your grown man son that the way to get his way in the world is, not to find work or find food or find some kind of social services, but to cry to his mother.

Can you say, "Oh, that's terrible! I'm so sorry this is happening. What are you going to do?"

Though your son is probably more than capable of finding local social services numbers himself, look them up online and have those ready to give him next time he calls.

Your son is choosing to be homeless. Until he changes his mind about where he wants to take his life, you will not be able to help him.

Al Anon will be a source of strength and support for you. N A M I will be a source of strength and support for you, too. We are right here twenty four seven, and are struggling to find our ways with our grown children, too.

I am so glad you found us. It is a little easier when we are not so alone with it.

Holding you in my thoughts, today.

Cedar

 

[Nomad]

Consider going to group support meetings like those of Families Anonymous.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

How are you doing this fine Easter morning, Caybre?

:O)

Cedar

 

[WearyMom18]

Caybre, you have landed in a place of understanding and clarity. My Difficult Child is 18 and female but doing some of the same things and I'm struggling but I have learned that, for your health and emotional well-being, you need to say no and begin to detach.

Your son has learned that if he cries or makes his story desperate enough you will always come through with something. You do it because you can't stand the thought of turning him down (guilt) but really, he is manipulating you and for that you should be angry. I had to learn that my daughter CHOSE her situation. Nothing I did in how I raised her made her choose this life. You too can CHOOSE to allow him to live his chosen path on his own. You have to go into protection mode for yourself. Just a few months ago I was doing what you've been doing and I was physically ill from the stress and guilt and anguish of not being able to fix my child. I couldn't sleep, I had chronic headaches, anxiety, weight loss, the list goes on.

Start trying to take care of you with the same effort you are putting into him. I feel so much better since I realized that I was making myself sick while keeping my child comfortable doing things that are harmful and destructive.

I feel for you because at tines I still feel sadness and worry but we are here for you and can truly understand where are. Post often and read others posts, it's a true comfort.

Hugs to you!

 

[Copabanana]

I thought I was the only Mom dealing with a homeless son.

Hi Caybre.

Sorry I missed your thread. No, you are not the only Mom dealing with a chronically homeless son. My son is 26. I, like you, kept trying to push him into programs, into apartments.

I had to face that my son has preferred homelessness. He does not like rules. He does not like responsibilities. He does not like spending money on anything except for treats: marijuana, supplements, his drum, etc. He wants freedom, not responsibility.

Thus far, he has been assaulted and robbed, thrown out on the street, to no effect. So far, this has not been enough of a cost, for him to make different choices.

I have seen there is nothing I can do, except to limit how much I am hurt by him and his lifestyle.

My son, of course, would prefer it if somebody else gave him a free place to stay (for two years plus, that happened, or if I let him stay with us (that happened over and over again) or if I found, paid for, and took responsibility for, a place (I won't.)

Since I began setting limits, he seems to be stabilizing a little bit. I refuse to let myself hope. Why? It is out of my hands. He is an adult, choosing to live as he will. I am learning that. It really has nothing to do with me, anymore. I have to take care of myself, and not use as an excuse what he does or does not do.

 

[Ylowbutterfly]

Hi Caybre.

Sorry I missed your thread. No, you are not the only Mom dealing with a chronically homeless son. My son is 26. I, like you, kept trying to push him into programs, into apartments.

I had to face that my son has preferred homelessness. He does not like rules. He does not like responsibilities. He does not like spending money on anything except for treats: marijuana, supplements, his drum, etc. He wants freedom, not responsibility.

Thus far, he has been assaulted and robbed, thrown out on the street, to no effect. So far, this has not been enough of a cost, for him to make different choices.

I have seen there is nothing I can do, except to limit how much I am hurt by him and his lifestyle.

My son, of course, would prefer it if somebody else gave him a free place to stay (for two years plus, that happened, or if I let him stay with us (that happened over and over again) or if I found, paid for, and took responsibility for, a place (I won't.)

Since I began setting limits, he seems to be stabilizing a little bit. I refuse to let myself hope. Why? It is out of my hands. He is an adult, choosing to live as he will. I am learning that. It really has nothing to do with me, anymore. I have to take care of myself, and not use as an excuse what he does or does not do.

Thank you for sharing your story, my 24 yo daughter is currently homeless due to poor choices she had made, prior to this she was staying in a house and sharing rent, now she is in a motel for a week, which I, mom, paid for and I cannot afford to do again, it helps me sleep at night knowing she has place to stay but come Saturday she will not. She is working at new job and takes bus or walks, tonight she asked me to save her leftovers ...other days she needs a ride and I drop everything to help her, her father said she could stay with him but she chooses not to due to rules. This is going on 3rd week of this drama, I néed to learn to detach and say no..any guidance is appreciated, thank you

 

[Jabberwockey]

@Ylowbuttefly, in case you haven't noticed this thread is over a year old. You might want to consider starting your own. Also, if you look at the posts of most members, they have a "Signature" at the bottom. You might want to consider doing this, it makes it easier for people to remember the core of what's going on. That being said, have you read the article on detachment yet? It's permanently near the top of the Parents Emeritus forum and has lots of very good advice. Sorry that you have to be here but welcome to our little corner of the internet.