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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 761672" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi there. I am so truly sorry that you deal with this. I have a very abusive daughter in her 30s and she suffered huge trauma from being adopted. It has haunted her all of her life.</p><p></p><p> Not all adopted children are as traumatized by it as Kat was and is. But Kay feels unwanted and bitter and hostile for "my REAL mother leaving me. You can never take her place. Ever." </p><p></p><p> Your son had a difficult childhood. However not all kids who have to live with single moms who go to school to better themselves, and also some difficult relatives, end up like your son. In no way am I trying to be mean or minimizing hardship. But the fact is that, traumatized or not, both of our very adult children NEED to learn to stand on their own without us and so far your son is still living with you and abusing you at 45. I think it's time to think of a new way.</p><p></p><p>if your son went on his own, he would almost certainly qualify for Disability which comes with a case manager, Medicare, Foodshare and often the case manager can get him into subsidized apartments complexes. Hardly any rent which is taken out of the SSDI payments. Very doable. He can finally become independent. Therapy is also offered.</p><p></p><p>You need a break from your son and he needs to learn to live without you. You can not care for him forever. He will outlive you by decades. Then what?</p><p></p><p> I am glad my daughter lives away from us, although homeless in a notorhome. At least she has Disability and the government help that goes with that. If I die tomorrow, at least she won't have nobody at all...she has a worthless husband but can also get much help from her case manager, if she chooses to utilize her. If she does not choose to, there is nothing anyone can do. Once I am gone she will only have herself. The husband is a lazy abusive druggie but she is too. They both are old enough to know where to get help. They will or won't. We have no control over it no matter how hard we try. It.is 100% up yo them to choose to do better and get help.</p><p></p><p>My daughter got violent at 19 and she never lived with us again. Violence was a deal-breaker for living in our home. But we bought her a house, then a mobile home, them paid for apartments. Not once did she try to make it work and we cut off the money finally. </p><p></p><p>That's when somebody gave her an old motorhome and she and Lee drove 3000 miles away and live in AZ in some park or the like. When we cut off our bank she disowned us saying we hated her, but we love her. We just don't think supporting her or living with her helps us or her.</p><p></p><p> Life has been more peaceful without her meanness and chronic drama and demands for money. Our other kids and my husband I and can finally be normal. It was time to let go and give her to God. </p><p></p><p>I shared our story to tell you how it was for us. I am not telling you what to do. That is up to you. Private therapy and Nar Anon have saved our lives. You too have the option of reaching out for help. This is so hard to do without support.</p><p></p><p>My thoughts: Never should we feel we need to tolerate abuse from anyone, not even our children. At some point.in time they have to stop blaming their bad breaks from years back, maybe seek therapy, and grow up. Or not.</p><p></p><p> But it is nor our responsibility to care for very adult children and in my opinion it harms them and.us I will say it again...you and I will both die. Then what if they have been supported by us all their lives?</p><p></p><p>in my opinion it would not make you a bad person to make him plan to leave and get benefits if he won't or can't work.</p><p></p><p>All my love. hope and prayers. You can do this!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 761672, member: 23706"] Hi there. I am so truly sorry that you deal with this. I have a very abusive daughter in her 30s and she suffered huge trauma from being adopted. It has haunted her all of her life. Not all adopted children are as traumatized by it as Kat was and is. But Kay feels unwanted and bitter and hostile for "my REAL mother leaving me. You can never take her place. Ever." Your son had a difficult childhood. However not all kids who have to live with single moms who go to school to better themselves, and also some difficult relatives, end up like your son. In no way am I trying to be mean or minimizing hardship. But the fact is that, traumatized or not, both of our very adult children NEED to learn to stand on their own without us and so far your son is still living with you and abusing you at 45. I think it's time to think of a new way. if your son went on his own, he would almost certainly qualify for Disability which comes with a case manager, Medicare, Foodshare and often the case manager can get him into subsidized apartments complexes. Hardly any rent which is taken out of the SSDI payments. Very doable. He can finally become independent. Therapy is also offered. You need a break from your son and he needs to learn to live without you. You can not care for him forever. He will outlive you by decades. Then what? I am glad my daughter lives away from us, although homeless in a notorhome. At least she has Disability and the government help that goes with that. If I die tomorrow, at least she won't have nobody at all...she has a worthless husband but can also get much help from her case manager, if she chooses to utilize her. If she does not choose to, there is nothing anyone can do. Once I am gone she will only have herself. The husband is a lazy abusive druggie but she is too. They both are old enough to know where to get help. They will or won't. We have no control over it no matter how hard we try. It.is 100% up yo them to choose to do better and get help. My daughter got violent at 19 and she never lived with us again. Violence was a deal-breaker for living in our home. But we bought her a house, then a mobile home, them paid for apartments. Not once did she try to make it work and we cut off the money finally. That's when somebody gave her an old motorhome and she and Lee drove 3000 miles away and live in AZ in some park or the like. When we cut off our bank she disowned us saying we hated her, but we love her. We just don't think supporting her or living with her helps us or her. Life has been more peaceful without her meanness and chronic drama and demands for money. Our other kids and my husband I and can finally be normal. It was time to let go and give her to God. I shared our story to tell you how it was for us. I am not telling you what to do. That is up to you. Private therapy and Nar Anon have saved our lives. You too have the option of reaching out for help. This is so hard to do without support. My thoughts: Never should we feel we need to tolerate abuse from anyone, not even our children. At some point.in time they have to stop blaming their bad breaks from years back, maybe seek therapy, and grow up. Or not. But it is nor our responsibility to care for very adult children and in my opinion it harms them and.us I will say it again...you and I will both die. Then what if they have been supported by us all their lives? in my opinion it would not make you a bad person to make him plan to leave and get benefits if he won't or can't work. All my love. hope and prayers. You can do this! [/QUOTE]
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