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New to this group - will it just get worse?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 710472" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You brought up attachment issues. He came to you older and probably needs attachment therapy to get better. I adopted two older kids. One was well behaved but detached and didnt need us as he got older because he is brilliant and has his own company. He often said growing up he didnt need parents. He walked away ten years ago. He had lots and lots of love, but he still was able to articulate that he wanted to feel attached to us but could not. After he married, that was it. We adopted him at age six.</p><p></p><p>The second child was 11 and strangled two of our dogs snd sexually molested our younger two (also adopted, but at very young ages. Yes, that makes a huge difference). We told CPS to take him...we could not deal with somethings like killing animals (he acted as if he loved our pets in front of us) and the molestation....we were in over our heads and had to protect our younger children. Our family is strong and tight and ten years later, we are good, but he had to go for the safety of all of us. Again, we treated him with uber love but I learned that love is not enough if the damage before we get them is too great. Obviously he was molested somewhere but doesnt remember. Also he was abused/neglected from birth plus birthmother used drugs during her pregnancy. That is not kind to a developing brain. This child finally got diagnosed with Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Before the dog killings and molestation happened, nobody ever diagnosed him with anything except cognitive delays and that he was a great kid. We would not have adopted s child we felt would get violent but he was a master at acting sweet to adults and fooled even psychiatrists. No cognitive drlays. He was smart!!</p><p></p><p>Boys tend to act out worse but girls can too.</p><p></p><p>The three children I adopted young are normal and do not act out and we are very close. One has a form of autism but does not act out...he is very sweet and at 23 he us financially independent and doing well. He always had lots of autism intervenrions. Your sons autism doesnt help. He needs interventions for that too.</p><p></p><p>How will this end for you? Not one of us here can tell you. Have ypu read books on attachment parenting? Nancy Thompson? I would. I would also find a therapist specific to adoption/attachment.</p><p></p><p>This is not sbout your parenting or his sister. Different kids process lack of early attachment differently plus drug/alcohol use in utero can change and damage the brain. So love, consistency, etc DOES NOT NECESSARILY DO the trick. Many foster kids have been bounced around so much with such neglectful early years that love scares them and the more you love them the more they pull away.</p><p></p><p>I hope you do your homework and find an adoption oriented therapist (others tend to not understand adoption issues) and that you make good choices for you. Test your gut. Does it feel right? Are you able to handle whatever? He could get worse, yes. He is very sick and if he had been exposed to drugs/alcohol in the womb some may be brain damage.</p><p></p><p>Nobody can tell you the outcome. I just shared my own stories. If asked, based on my experiences and those of other adoptive parents in a large group I belonged to, I tell prospective adoptive parents to adopt as young as possible and to screen often if the child was exposed to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy. I wish I had never adopted the 11 year old, but we wanted to love a child who might never get a home and we loved him. It backfired, at least for us. He expressed no remorse in tje lock down reside tial home he was taken to.</p><p></p><p>The county (not us, we didnt even have a say in it) charged him with sexual abuse of a minor because our daughter was six years younger than him. Six years is the magic number. He was 13 at the time, found guiltu, taken to a sort of child residential juvy center...and he tried to molest other kids even there! We rescinded the adoption.</p><p></p><p>Take care. Read. Learn. Join an adoptive parent group so you can real time speak to others in your situation. There are many. Adopting an older child possibly with brain damage from substances is not like parenting a typical child and is not for the faint of heart.</p><p></p><p>Some unattached kids actually do better in a residential setting where they are not under pressure to show or receive love. It is a big stress to unattached kids. And then with help some do attach but threatening to kill you is not good. Lock up everything sharp, fire arms and matches.</p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 710472, member: 1550"] You brought up attachment issues. He came to you older and probably needs attachment therapy to get better. I adopted two older kids. One was well behaved but detached and didnt need us as he got older because he is brilliant and has his own company. He often said growing up he didnt need parents. He walked away ten years ago. He had lots and lots of love, but he still was able to articulate that he wanted to feel attached to us but could not. After he married, that was it. We adopted him at age six. The second child was 11 and strangled two of our dogs snd sexually molested our younger two (also adopted, but at very young ages. Yes, that makes a huge difference). We told CPS to take him...we could not deal with somethings like killing animals (he acted as if he loved our pets in front of us) and the molestation....we were in over our heads and had to protect our younger children. Our family is strong and tight and ten years later, we are good, but he had to go for the safety of all of us. Again, we treated him with uber love but I learned that love is not enough if the damage before we get them is too great. Obviously he was molested somewhere but doesnt remember. Also he was abused/neglected from birth plus birthmother used drugs during her pregnancy. That is not kind to a developing brain. This child finally got diagnosed with Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Before the dog killings and molestation happened, nobody ever diagnosed him with anything except cognitive delays and that he was a great kid. We would not have adopted s child we felt would get violent but he was a master at acting sweet to adults and fooled even psychiatrists. No cognitive drlays. He was smart!! Boys tend to act out worse but girls can too. The three children I adopted young are normal and do not act out and we are very close. One has a form of autism but does not act out...he is very sweet and at 23 he us financially independent and doing well. He always had lots of autism intervenrions. Your sons autism doesnt help. He needs interventions for that too. How will this end for you? Not one of us here can tell you. Have ypu read books on attachment parenting? Nancy Thompson? I would. I would also find a therapist specific to adoption/attachment. This is not sbout your parenting or his sister. Different kids process lack of early attachment differently plus drug/alcohol use in utero can change and damage the brain. So love, consistency, etc DOES NOT NECESSARILY DO the trick. Many foster kids have been bounced around so much with such neglectful early years that love scares them and the more you love them the more they pull away. I hope you do your homework and find an adoption oriented therapist (others tend to not understand adoption issues) and that you make good choices for you. Test your gut. Does it feel right? Are you able to handle whatever? He could get worse, yes. He is very sick and if he had been exposed to drugs/alcohol in the womb some may be brain damage. Nobody can tell you the outcome. I just shared my own stories. If asked, based on my experiences and those of other adoptive parents in a large group I belonged to, I tell prospective adoptive parents to adopt as young as possible and to screen often if the child was exposed to drugs or alcohol during pregnancy. I wish I had never adopted the 11 year old, but we wanted to love a child who might never get a home and we loved him. It backfired, at least for us. He expressed no remorse in tje lock down reside tial home he was taken to. The county (not us, we didnt even have a say in it) charged him with sexual abuse of a minor because our daughter was six years younger than him. Six years is the magic number. He was 13 at the time, found guiltu, taken to a sort of child residential juvy center...and he tried to molest other kids even there! We rescinded the adoption. Take care. Read. Learn. Join an adoptive parent group so you can real time speak to others in your situation. There are many. Adopting an older child possibly with brain damage from substances is not like parenting a typical child and is not for the faint of heart. Some unattached kids actually do better in a residential setting where they are not under pressure to show or receive love. It is a big stress to unattached kids. And then with help some do attach but threatening to kill you is not good. Lock up everything sharp, fire arms and matches. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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