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Newbie here: Bizarre story, struggling and looking for support
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 628222" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I'm sorry you heart is hurting. I think it's time to detach from your family of origin. That doesn't mean never speak to them, unless you want to, but they sound as if they have ALL been very dysfunctional, warring and toxic to you and your son. Sadly, your son is of age and grew up around all this and it is too late for you to legally forbid sister, husband and ex boyfriend from seeing him. You can do that if your child is younger, but now he gets to decide who he hangs around with and, at his age, legally the onus will fall on his shoulders.</p><p></p><p>Nobody makes one drink or take drugs. He made the decision to do it. If he gets into trouble for it, nobody will be held accountable except him. Hopefully, one day he will see the light and that you were actually the good guy here. But we can not make our difficult children see the light. They have to find out on their own.</p><p></p><p>Now a word from me, somebody who lived in a warring family that I call The Loonybin because I finally see the characters for what they are. All of them had serious problems and mean streaks. In spite of their little Civil War, you don't have to be involved in it, listen to either side, or hear about it. You can set a strong boundary and say, "I am not getting involved in this. If you speak to me about it, for my mental health, the conversation will be over." I know it DOES affect you, but you don't have to listen to the people who are so eager to enjoy such drama. You can deal with it in therapy with a neutral party or go to Narc-Anon (12 Step has been a Godsend for many of us) or just not answer your phone or involve yourself in family affairs. Your family sounds lethal. You can not heal and be who you really are with them warrning all around you while you try to come to terms with your son's behavior. You don't need all these people on your plate. You have enough.</p><p></p><p>You should, in my opinion, never speak to ex boyfriend. He is toxic and controlling and evil and sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. Your son may choose to talk to him, but you don't have to, nor do you have to let your son tell you what ex boyfriend said. He is your ex boyfriend. You can choose which DNA relatives you think are worth talking to, which may not be. My own choice would be to avoid talking to anyone who gossips and blows up the family drama. If that is all of them, perhaps you need to take a rest or break. I do not speak to my family of origin. Few are left. All have hurt me terribly and tried to harm my children too, in their own ways.</p><p></p><p>This board is a very safe place to vent about your son. Why don't you tell us what is going on? Do understand that the majority do think that your son's behavior is his decision, thus his fault. Life throws us many curveballs. Few kids have stellar childhoods or perfect families. 50% of all marriages end in divorce so at leat half the kids are faced with two families, siblings, half-siblings, stepparents, visiting here, there and everywhere. Some of our kids have been sexually abused. Some have seen death, as your son did.</p><p></p><p>Not every child who saw a tragedy or lived a hard life is a problem and can't get his footing. Do not make excuses for your son's behavior. Tell him you know he can do well in society and do not enable him. It does not sound like you are.</p><p></p><p>It is hard enough to kick out a child (I know this first hand) let alone deal with family drama. I'd let yourself mourn and heal from your decision and talk to us or, again, a therapist or 12 step group or all three, bu t I seriously would not be spending much time with the family. Not in any way. They sound like they are enjoying this drama and perhaps this is how your family has always operated. Mine sort of did and until I let it go...one person at a time...I was as screwed up as they were. Please take good care of YOU. YOU matter a great deal. YOU need to take very good care of YOU. Pamper and spoil yourself during this difficult time.</p><p></p><p>Do explain two things though, please, so we have a better handle on the siutaion. How did an ex-boyfriend meddle in your parenting? In some way, you must have allowed it (I am not criticizing you because most of us who are here started out very afraid to speak up for ourselves). I am just curious as to how he got such a foothold in your parenting and life. Same with Sissy. How did sh e get such a strong foothole into your life? Are they bossy control freaks who scared you so you thought their criticism of you was right and you had to let them in?</p><p></p><p>Lock your door. Change the lock first. Don't let either in again. Agree that ex boyfriend sounds like a sociopath. I understand perfectly what the social security was for. Your son was out of line to dare accuse you of stealing his money.</p><p></p><p>Until your son sees he (son) has a drug problem and is causing problems, you will not be able to have a good relationship with him. It is hard to have any relationship with somebody who is into the drug scene. His challenge is to quit using drugs and alcohol and to get a job or go to college and join society. He is choosing to hang around with dark people. They can't make him do anything. He is willingly choosing their "wisdom" and very dark companion, which is typical of a difficult child. But it is his own decision to embrace them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 628222, member: 1550"] I'm sorry you heart is hurting. I think it's time to detach from your family of origin. That doesn't mean never speak to them, unless you want to, but they sound as if they have ALL been very dysfunctional, warring and toxic to you and your son. Sadly, your son is of age and grew up around all this and it is too late for you to legally forbid sister, husband and ex boyfriend from seeing him. You can do that if your child is younger, but now he gets to decide who he hangs around with and, at his age, legally the onus will fall on his shoulders. Nobody makes one drink or take drugs. He made the decision to do it. If he gets into trouble for it, nobody will be held accountable except him. Hopefully, one day he will see the light and that you were actually the good guy here. But we can not make our difficult children see the light. They have to find out on their own. Now a word from me, somebody who lived in a warring family that I call The Loonybin because I finally see the characters for what they are. All of them had serious problems and mean streaks. In spite of their little Civil War, you don't have to be involved in it, listen to either side, or hear about it. You can set a strong boundary and say, "I am not getting involved in this. If you speak to me about it, for my mental health, the conversation will be over." I know it DOES affect you, but you don't have to listen to the people who are so eager to enjoy such drama. You can deal with it in therapy with a neutral party or go to Narc-Anon (12 Step has been a Godsend for many of us) or just not answer your phone or involve yourself in family affairs. Your family sounds lethal. You can not heal and be who you really are with them warrning all around you while you try to come to terms with your son's behavior. You don't need all these people on your plate. You have enough. You should, in my opinion, never speak to ex boyfriend. He is toxic and controlling and evil and sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. Your son may choose to talk to him, but you don't have to, nor do you have to let your son tell you what ex boyfriend said. He is your ex boyfriend. You can choose which DNA relatives you think are worth talking to, which may not be. My own choice would be to avoid talking to anyone who gossips and blows up the family drama. If that is all of them, perhaps you need to take a rest or break. I do not speak to my family of origin. Few are left. All have hurt me terribly and tried to harm my children too, in their own ways. This board is a very safe place to vent about your son. Why don't you tell us what is going on? Do understand that the majority do think that your son's behavior is his decision, thus his fault. Life throws us many curveballs. Few kids have stellar childhoods or perfect families. 50% of all marriages end in divorce so at leat half the kids are faced with two families, siblings, half-siblings, stepparents, visiting here, there and everywhere. Some of our kids have been sexually abused. Some have seen death, as your son did. Not every child who saw a tragedy or lived a hard life is a problem and can't get his footing. Do not make excuses for your son's behavior. Tell him you know he can do well in society and do not enable him. It does not sound like you are. It is hard enough to kick out a child (I know this first hand) let alone deal with family drama. I'd let yourself mourn and heal from your decision and talk to us or, again, a therapist or 12 step group or all three, bu t I seriously would not be spending much time with the family. Not in any way. They sound like they are enjoying this drama and perhaps this is how your family has always operated. Mine sort of did and until I let it go...one person at a time...I was as screwed up as they were. Please take good care of YOU. YOU matter a great deal. YOU need to take very good care of YOU. Pamper and spoil yourself during this difficult time. Do explain two things though, please, so we have a better handle on the siutaion. How did an ex-boyfriend meddle in your parenting? In some way, you must have allowed it (I am not criticizing you because most of us who are here started out very afraid to speak up for ourselves). I am just curious as to how he got such a foothold in your parenting and life. Same with Sissy. How did sh e get such a strong foothole into your life? Are they bossy control freaks who scared you so you thought their criticism of you was right and you had to let them in? Lock your door. Change the lock first. Don't let either in again. Agree that ex boyfriend sounds like a sociopath. I understand perfectly what the social security was for. Your son was out of line to dare accuse you of stealing his money. Until your son sees he (son) has a drug problem and is causing problems, you will not be able to have a good relationship with him. It is hard to have any relationship with somebody who is into the drug scene. His challenge is to quit using drugs and alcohol and to get a job or go to college and join society. He is choosing to hang around with dark people. They can't make him do anything. He is willingly choosing their "wisdom" and very dark companion, which is typical of a difficult child. But it is his own decision to embrace them. [/QUOTE]
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