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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 316027" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>Just a couple of thoughts.... I agree about not taking on the school battles while things are unstable. You are having to fight too many battles at once.</p><p> </p><p>About the yelling.... For years, my difficult child and I would go through the circular exchange, with me telling her not to yell at me, her arguing that she wasn't yelling, and then the two of us getting into an argument about how to define yelling. Looking back, I can't believe I spent so much time trying to explain the obvious. It was a ridiculous conversation, which very successfully helped her avoid the real issue. A response a friend suggested to me, which worked very well many times, was, "I can discuss this with you when your voice is as calm as mine. [Protest would follow.] Your voice is not as calm as mine. When your voice is as calm as mine, I will be able to talk with you." That one gave no room to argue about how loud was acceptable and what exactly constituted "yelling." Also, my repetitive response frequently led her to walk away in frustration.</p><p> </p><p>I've also used, "I'm too upset to talk with you about this right now. I need to discuss this later." This would invariably be answered with a furious, yelling, "SO WHEN CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS???" I'd pick a time, several hours ahead. "I'll discuss this with you at 6:00 this evening." This would many times leave her stunned but quiet. For some things, I might say, "This subject really upsets me, and so I think all I can do is discuss it for 15 minutes." Sometimes, I'd even set a timer. Another line I've used is, "I love you too much to argue with you." I think many of these lines are from the "Love and Logic" series of books. Honestly, however, I don't know the source of many of the lines, but I know I've read them here and there. My apologies for not giving credit. For the most part, the lines are not original ideas of mine.</p><p> </p><p>My dad is deceased. In going through a collection of "sayings" I found filed away, which he had saved, I found, "The more certain we are about our limits and our rights to have them, the softer we'll speak. When we're serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly--or softly--we talk." I have many quotes like this stuck to an "encouragement" bulletin board I have behind the door in my personal bathroom. My purpose in having this board is not to be in anybody's face, but to re-read some of these ideas daily to try to help program my thinking and be prepared with more appropriate responses. That's why I have it in a private place. It's really helped me.</p><p> </p><p>Also on my board is "Trying to reason with an oppositional child during an oppositional episode is like trying to reason with an alcoholic when he is drunk." I think this one came out the book, "The Defiant Child."</p><p> </p><p>On the safety plan, I finally got to the point of having deadbolts on the doors of my bedroom and my 8 year-old child's bedroom. She, too, got to the point of being afraid of difficult child. I taught her to go to one of these rooms and flip the deadbolt whenever she became afraid. I was the only one with the key, and I frequently kept it on my body. I also did my best to keep the two children in separate areas of the house most of the time. I did that by encouraging my 8-year-old to play in my bedroom instead of hers whenever she wanted to, as well as buying a separate computer for my 8-year-old to take to my bedroom and use, when she wanted some computer time (a laptop). This kept down disputes over whose turn it was on the computer. I think any reasonable ideas you can come up with to help keep the two more often separated will head off trouble.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 316027, member: 8226"] Just a couple of thoughts.... I agree about not taking on the school battles while things are unstable. You are having to fight too many battles at once. About the yelling.... For years, my difficult child and I would go through the circular exchange, with me telling her not to yell at me, her arguing that she wasn't yelling, and then the two of us getting into an argument about how to define yelling. Looking back, I can't believe I spent so much time trying to explain the obvious. It was a ridiculous conversation, which very successfully helped her avoid the real issue. A response a friend suggested to me, which worked very well many times, was, "I can discuss this with you when your voice is as calm as mine. [Protest would follow.] Your voice is not as calm as mine. When your voice is as calm as mine, I will be able to talk with you." That one gave no room to argue about how loud was acceptable and what exactly constituted "yelling." Also, my repetitive response frequently led her to walk away in frustration. I've also used, "I'm too upset to talk with you about this right now. I need to discuss this later." This would invariably be answered with a furious, yelling, "SO WHEN CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS???" I'd pick a time, several hours ahead. "I'll discuss this with you at 6:00 this evening." This would many times leave her stunned but quiet. For some things, I might say, "This subject really upsets me, and so I think all I can do is discuss it for 15 minutes." Sometimes, I'd even set a timer. Another line I've used is, "I love you too much to argue with you." I think many of these lines are from the "Love and Logic" series of books. Honestly, however, I don't know the source of many of the lines, but I know I've read them here and there. My apologies for not giving credit. For the most part, the lines are not original ideas of mine. My dad is deceased. In going through a collection of "sayings" I found filed away, which he had saved, I found, "The more certain we are about our limits and our rights to have them, the softer we'll speak. When we're serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly--or softly--we talk." I have many quotes like this stuck to an "encouragement" bulletin board I have behind the door in my personal bathroom. My purpose in having this board is not to be in anybody's face, but to re-read some of these ideas daily to try to help program my thinking and be prepared with more appropriate responses. That's why I have it in a private place. It's really helped me. Also on my board is "Trying to reason with an oppositional child during an oppositional episode is like trying to reason with an alcoholic when he is drunk." I think this one came out the book, "The Defiant Child." On the safety plan, I finally got to the point of having deadbolts on the doors of my bedroom and my 8 year-old child's bedroom. She, too, got to the point of being afraid of difficult child. I taught her to go to one of these rooms and flip the deadbolt whenever she became afraid. I was the only one with the key, and I frequently kept it on my body. I also did my best to keep the two children in separate areas of the house most of the time. I did that by encouraging my 8-year-old to play in my bedroom instead of hers whenever she wanted to, as well as buying a separate computer for my 8-year-old to take to my bedroom and use, when she wanted some computer time (a laptop). This kept down disputes over whose turn it was on the computer. I think any reasonable ideas you can come up with to help keep the two more often separated will head off trouble. [/QUOTE]
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