Newbie...Son in jail again...not speaking to me

[Willowbe]

I am new to this site. I have an alcoholic/drug addict son that was arrested in July and has been in the county jail since. His bail was set initially at $150k and has since been reduced to $40k so he has not been able to bail out. At his bail hearing the judge said he could not return to his home or be within one block of said home. He asked my son where he would live. My son turned to his attorney and the next thing I know the judge is asking if my sons mother is here and could he come live me. I was stunned and had not expected this. I replied that he could for a short period of time. The judge looked at my son, who by the way will be 31 in September, and said your mom does not look happy. This is not my sons first stint in jail. The last time he did live with us and our life was upended and chaotic. As my son was escorted out of the courtroom in handcuffs and shackles by the bailiff, he turned and gave me the most hateful look he could muster. I feel like a shitheel for saying he could only stay for a short period of time but if the truth be known, I don't want him in my home at all. There is a part of me that feels as though I am abandoning him and then there is the rational part that knows him living with me and my husband will not work out. He is blaming everyone he can reach out and touch for his predicament. He went to court yesterday for a pre-trial hearing which was postponed due to a filing of an order to suppress evidence by his attorney. And as I drove to work today the local radio channel highlighted his case. I cried, turned around and came home. I am feeling angry and scared and a bit lost.

 

[pasajes4]

I would contact the courts and tell the judge that he cannot go to your house. You know that it will not work out. I feel that you were put on the spot and that your answer was made in the shock of that moment.

 

[Willowbe]

Thank you pasajes4. I agree....deer caught in the headlights response.

 

[Kathy813]

Why in the world would a judge expect you to take in a 31-year-old son? Especially one with substance abuse issues. He should be heading to a halfway house to find a job and start supporting himself.

I agree with pasajes4. Call the court and tell them that your son cannot expect to stay at your house. The hateful look would have sealed it for me.

by the way . . . welcome to the board! Keep posting. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.

~Kathy

 

[trolli]

Hi Willowbe and welcome to the site
I am fairly new here as well and have an alcoholic daughter that I DO NOT want to return home,even after she completes treatment.She has caused so much disruption and pain within our home that I get sick to my stomach thinking of trying to live under the same roof with her,at least for now.I am so sorry for what you are having to endure.My daughter has 3 dui's under her belt,all before the age of 21 and at this point I cannot even stand to enter a court room with her.She goes alone.That judge had no right to put you on the spot like that.You are completely justified to pull back on the decision to let him live with you.Stay strong and know that their is zero judgement here as we are all trying to navigate the rough waters of parenting these kids of ours.Hugs

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Hi Wollowbe, and welcome,

A lot of us have had this experience. If your son is an addict it is what needs to be done. It is hard, and it hurts, but you won't be helping him him by doing it. Also, it sounds like his charges are pretty serious based on his bond, so the time he spends in county jail awaiting trial will be counted towards his sentence.

My sister is in prison. She knows she cannot come to my home. Unfortunately, we have been down this road so many times she knows better than to ask. She will, likely, go to a halfway house.

It's okay, really. The only way they will they will ever come around and try to make any changes in their lives is if they feel the consequences of their actions. I will tell you I also do not accept collect calls. I won't put money on commissary accounts, and I won't visit, either. Letters are it for me.

It is okay to set boundaries. For your well-being as well as his.

My advice to nearly everyone in our position is to look into Nar-anon and Al-anon.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Why in the world would a judge expect you to take in a 31-year-old son? Especially one with substance abuse issues. He should be heading to a halfway house to find a job and start supporting himself.

I agree with pasajes4. Call the court and tell them that your son cannot expect to stay at your house. The hateful look would have sealed it for me.

by the way . . . welcome to the board! Keep posting. You will find a lot of support and understanding here.

~Kathy

Because I have been there before, I will tell you. It is not that the judge expects anyone to take them in. Likely his attorney was attempting to get bond reduced and part of being able to do that would be providing a stable address where he can stay as he cannot return to his own home. It was, more than likely, the son saying that he could stay at Willowbe's. The judge has to verify that she is willing to take him in. Which she clearly isn't and shouldn't be, and her son tried to pull a typical addict fast one by putting her on the spot and playing on her sympathies.

 

[mof]

Willowbe,

Sorry for your pain, but haven't you suffered enough? He is a man who needs to man up and look at his life for what it is. You didn't make his choices for him. I don't know your religious beliefs...but give it to God.

Take care of you..your spirit....your joy, you.

Find therapy, our a group...no need to suffer alone.

Keep posting! It h helps and these women and men are wise!

 

[Kathy813]

That makes sense, Sister's Keeper. They certainly can be manipulative.

Even more reason for Willowbe to be strong and refuse to take her adult son back into her home.

~Kathy

 

[Willowbe]

Thank you Troli, Kathy18 and Sister's Keeper. I totally agree with all your feedback. I feel the attorney was trying to get him bonded out and he has to wear a monitoring bracelet and be in the household of a responsible person. It was my son who suggested my home....I think I knocked the wind out of him when I replied for a very short period of time until he could find some where else to stay. Yes, his bond is high because of his charges, F1 and F3 and several misdemeanors. When he was arrested I called everyone I knew and ask that they not bail him. I feel he needs to be held accountable and if he had been bonded out he would have headed straight back to drinking. From what I can tell he has been drinking quite heavily for a couple of months. He has lost so much. He has a wife and 18 month old son and also had custody of his two daughters, 6 and 10. The girls are now in LV, NV with their alcoholic/drug addict mother and she is filing for custody. We went through this about 71/2 years ago and it literally took over my life. In Al-Anon we have learned that an alcoholic doesn't drink because of you or I, they drink because they are an alcoholic and that makes sense. I have started reading the big AA book and have gone to an AA meeting in order to try to make sense of his behavior. He had the world by the tail and threw it all away. He has been to rehab, so he does have a 12 step program to fall back on. I am not sure if he has ever been in recovery except when the judge made rehab a part of his sentence.And of course that was involuntary. He did attend NA for about three months but no recovery recently. I think as a mom it is so hard to separate out the feelings of guilt, shame and remorse for what your child has done. This is why I will always work my program,, because without it....I would once again be trying to control and figure out how to make it all work so he didn't suffer. Perhaps by me saying no to his staying at my home, this might provide more of a rock bottom for him.

 

[gcvmom]

I would contact the courts and tell the judge that he cannot go to your house. You know that it will not work out. I feel that you were put on the spot and that your answer was made in the shock of that moment.

To add to that, it's ALWAYS OK to tell someone you need time to think about the question before giving them an answer. Especially a question asking for your agreement to something with such serious ramifications. This buys you time to really think about what's best for you and set your emotions aside before answering in the heat of the moment.

 

[gcvmom]

Thank you Troli, Kathy18 and Sister's Keeper. I totally agree with all your feedback. I feel the attorney was trying to get him bonded out and he has to wear a monitoring bracelet and be in the household of a responsible person. It was my son who suggested my home....I think I knocked the wind out of him when I replied for a very short period of time until he could find some where else to stay. Yes, his bond is high because of his charges, F1 and F3 and several misdemeanors. When he was arrested I called everyone I knew and ask that they not bail him. I feel he needs to be held accountable and if he had been bonded out he would have headed straight back to drinking. From what I can tell he has been drinking quite heavily for a couple of months. He has lost so much. He has a wife and 18 month old son and also had custody of his two daughters, 6 and 10. The girls are now in LV, NV with their alcoholic/drug addict mother and she is filing for custody. We went through this about 71/2 years ago and it literally took over my life. In Al-Anon we have learned that an alcoholic doesn't drink because of you or I, they drink because they are an alcoholic and that makes sense. I have started reading the big AA book and have gone to an AA meeting in order to try to make sense of his behavior. He had the world by the tail and threw it all away. He has been to rehab, so he does have a 12 step program to fall back on. I am not sure if he has ever been in recovery except when the judge made rehab a part of his sentence.And of course that was involuntary. He did attend NA for about three months but no recovery recently. I think as a mom it is so hard to separate out the feelings of guilt, shame and remorse for what your child has done. This is why I will always work my program,, because without it....I would once again be trying to control and figure out how to make it all work so he didn't suffer. Perhaps by me saying no to his staying at my home, this might provide more of a rock bottom for him.

Completely agree with you. And for what it's worth, I've learned through NAMI classes I've taken that unless the mental health component is addressed at the same time with the addiction, in a dual-diagnosis program structured specifically for people with these challenges, no amount of 12-step programming will provide long-term solutions. As a family member, and specifically the one being asked to accept temporary responsibility for him, can you ask the judge to require your son to enter a dual-diagnosis program as part of his release conditions?

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It is likely that time in jail or prison might save his life. He won't be able to drink much and so will get at least to being a dry drunk. Then maybe his other issues will come to light and he can get help. After seeing what my mom went through with my brother with his drinking and felonies, my kids have all been told that I don't do bail, provide housing upon release, and probably won't do any jail visits and if I do any visits it will be one visit. Period. I also don't provide lawyers - don't do the crime if you cannot do the time. Just like while they live in my house they live by my rules.

I know some amount of guilt is largely unavoidable because well, we are moms and we just seem to feel it. But your son is 31 and if he cannot go home it is for a reason. So letting him come to your home when he ruined his own home? That is about the most unreasonable request I have heard of. I am sorry he gave you that hateful look, but really the person he hates is himself. He is just selfish and spoiled and doesn't want to face up to his mistakes and the consequences of them. Do not tell the judge that he can come to your home under any circumstances!

At 31 he should be self reliant and able to handle his own problems, esp those that need bail! The only way he will EVER get sober and stay sober is if he has to deal with the consequences of his behavior for long enough that he becomes well and truly miserable and can only see an end to his misery if he changes his life. The hard part to being the mom of an addict is letting them be miserable for that long, and not supporting them when they ask for help. Give him all the healthy support you are comfortable with, but don't give him any support for his unhealthy behaviors.

I will say it has to take an enormous amount of nerve to ask your parents to take you in after committing a string of serious felonies while you await trial. Esp when you have already turned their lives upside down in the past. But I guess for an addict it is 'all about ME", isn't it?

 

[Willowbe]

Thanks Susiestar.....There are moments when all rational thought escapes and the nagging negative talk begins. I am so grateful I found this site and for the feedback everyone has given me. I draw strength from you all. Thank you