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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 705228" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>WGF, your saga continues........you really do have a lot on your plate. It certainly sounds as if your wife is an alcoholic and in the world of alcoholics, you are what is known as a "normie." I think you will see yourself in the Codependent no more book. I can see how you feel stuck, powerless and uninterested in coming home.......the bottom line truth in all of this is that you cannot change either your wife or your step son, you cannot fix them, you cannot control them and none of this is your fault. I am really sorry. </p><p></p><p>As we've mentioned, it would be helpful for you to attend Al Anon or Families Anonymous groups. You may have to search around for a group that feels right,not all of them are good fits, but if you continue looking, you'll find the right group for you. Many parents here found not only the solace they were seeking, but the tools and the strength to make whatever changes became necessary at these 12 step groups. If that isn't your cup of tea, perhaps a therapist trained specifically in substance abuse. I was in that Codependency course I mentioned to you and since it was modeled initially for substance abusers, there was a wealth of information we were offered about substance abuse as well as mental illness and codependency. Through the same HMO substance abuse course, there is a 2 week outpatient rehab for the substance abuser, followed by a year long outpatient clinic lead by therapists. Many families entered both groups, so while the substance abuser was in the rehab, the codependent was in the codependent course. I watched many of those families begin the process of healing and thriving while I was involved. You might look into your insurance to see if anything similar is offered if you believe your wife might attend with you. As I mentioned earlier, to me it sounds as if you have a broken family system.......maybe all 3 of you might attend.</p><p></p><p>You've hung in there a long time WGF, which we tend to do when we love folks who are impaired by addictions......and often after dealing with these issues for a long time, we hit a wall where it all just becomes out of control. When I first entered the course, you could look around and see the level of devastation and suffering we were all feeling, not knowing what to do, but recognizing we had to do <em>something. </em>The stories were often hard to hear, we had put up with so much for so long that it had all become our "normal." Little by little, for me, I began to learn that this was not my fault and I couldn't control it and I sure couldn't change it. It was so helpful to listen to others stories so similar to mine. It was much easier to see the dilemma in their life before I could really see it in mine. And to have therapists trained in addictions and mental illness, kindly call me on my faulty thinking right there in the moment so I could identify my own denial and resistance to change, was invaluable. Very often I had no idea I could even feel differently than I was feeling, I could hear myself saying at times, "It's okay to do that? It's okay to feel that way? I don't have to do that?" Those interruptions in my thinking were invaluable, it opened the door for me to think differently, to recognize there were quite a few different ways to feel, other options to address the same situation. I learned that I mattered and that what <strong><em><u>I</u></em></strong> wanted was important.....but first I had to determine what it was exactly that I wanted since I was so spring loaded to supply others with what they needed first, my needs were often so buried I wasn't aware of them. The course showed me how to identify my own needs, how to communicate in ways where I got heard, how to identify appropriate boundaries and how to put those boundaries into action. </p><p></p><p>I think the way through this for you WGF, is for you to seek whatever support you can, wherever you can, so that you begin to identify a path that feels right to you where your needs and feelings are considered. Once you find your way there, how you deal with your wife and your step son will become apparent. Whatever way you choose, YOU will be part of the equation, not simply someone who supplies those around you with all that they need. That shift changed my life. I had to be willing to change, to open to a different focus, a focus placed on me first and out of that the hard choices I needed to make became clear. </p><p></p><p>Thanks for sharing your story, I know it can be difficult, but at the same time, it's liberating not to hold it inside and try to do it alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 705228, member: 13542"] WGF, your saga continues........you really do have a lot on your plate. It certainly sounds as if your wife is an alcoholic and in the world of alcoholics, you are what is known as a "normie." I think you will see yourself in the Codependent no more book. I can see how you feel stuck, powerless and uninterested in coming home.......the bottom line truth in all of this is that you cannot change either your wife or your step son, you cannot fix them, you cannot control them and none of this is your fault. I am really sorry. As we've mentioned, it would be helpful for you to attend Al Anon or Families Anonymous groups. You may have to search around for a group that feels right,not all of them are good fits, but if you continue looking, you'll find the right group for you. Many parents here found not only the solace they were seeking, but the tools and the strength to make whatever changes became necessary at these 12 step groups. If that isn't your cup of tea, perhaps a therapist trained specifically in substance abuse. I was in that Codependency course I mentioned to you and since it was modeled initially for substance abusers, there was a wealth of information we were offered about substance abuse as well as mental illness and codependency. Through the same HMO substance abuse course, there is a 2 week outpatient rehab for the substance abuser, followed by a year long outpatient clinic lead by therapists. Many families entered both groups, so while the substance abuser was in the rehab, the codependent was in the codependent course. I watched many of those families begin the process of healing and thriving while I was involved. You might look into your insurance to see if anything similar is offered if you believe your wife might attend with you. As I mentioned earlier, to me it sounds as if you have a broken family system.......maybe all 3 of you might attend. You've hung in there a long time WGF, which we tend to do when we love folks who are impaired by addictions......and often after dealing with these issues for a long time, we hit a wall where it all just becomes out of control. When I first entered the course, you could look around and see the level of devastation and suffering we were all feeling, not knowing what to do, but recognizing we had to do [I]something. [/I]The stories were often hard to hear, we had put up with so much for so long that it had all become our "normal." Little by little, for me, I began to learn that this was not my fault and I couldn't control it and I sure couldn't change it. It was so helpful to listen to others stories so similar to mine. It was much easier to see the dilemma in their life before I could really see it in mine. And to have therapists trained in addictions and mental illness, kindly call me on my faulty thinking right there in the moment so I could identify my own denial and resistance to change, was invaluable. Very often I had no idea I could even feel differently than I was feeling, I could hear myself saying at times, "It's okay to do that? It's okay to feel that way? I don't have to do that?" Those interruptions in my thinking were invaluable, it opened the door for me to think differently, to recognize there were quite a few different ways to feel, other options to address the same situation. I learned that I mattered and that what [B][I][U]I[/U][/I][/B] wanted was important.....but first I had to determine what it was exactly that I wanted since I was so spring loaded to supply others with what they needed first, my needs were often so buried I wasn't aware of them. The course showed me how to identify my own needs, how to communicate in ways where I got heard, how to identify appropriate boundaries and how to put those boundaries into action. I think the way through this for you WGF, is for you to seek whatever support you can, wherever you can, so that you begin to identify a path that feels right to you where your needs and feelings are considered. Once you find your way there, how you deal with your wife and your step son will become apparent. Whatever way you choose, YOU will be part of the equation, not simply someone who supplies those around you with all that they need. That shift changed my life. I had to be willing to change, to open to a different focus, a focus placed on me first and out of that the hard choices I needed to make became clear. Thanks for sharing your story, I know it can be difficult, but at the same time, it's liberating not to hold it inside and try to do it alone. [/QUOTE]
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