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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 760402" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Whistler</p><p></p><p>I am sorry that you are in this situation but happy you've found us. I will just say what comes to mind and start there.</p><p></p><p>At 53 your daughter's personality, state of mind, and character have been well-defined. It is not that she can't or won't change, (and she deserves a lot of credit for getting clean and becoming self-supporting), but the larger parameters of her life have been put into place. The thing that's so hard to accept, is WE can't change them. We find that the only real potential for change, lies in us. There is that saying, what you can change ends at the tip of your nose (to paraphrase.) It is only to this point that we have a real shot. To the tip of our own nose, not theirs.</p><p></p><p>We have no control whatsoever over how these adults live their lives. Nearly everybody except those who are very severely impaired needs to make their own mistakes and be responsible for them. Almost all of us who come here start out very much in denial about this basic fact of life. </p><p></p><p>I believe your daughter deserves autonomy in terms of her romantic choices, but like you I would be frantic with worry about this kind of foolhardy relationship. But the thing is, we really don't get a vote. Oh, I do get it. When the consequences of this nutty idea come into play she will seek to come back to your doorstep, and try to find solutions to her problems from you.</p><p></p><p>Believe me, I know all too well how this is. The thing is this: How we suffer is our problem to solve, and it is our challenge to handle. How do we do it? Psychotherapy, boundaries, Al Anon, and making distance. But the major thing I believe is acceptance that there is not one thing we can or should do. They are adult people. End of story.</p><p></p><p>I know in my own case that I struggle mightily with this. I have been here 6 years. Intellectually I know the story. Emotionally, I fall into the same pit over and over again, at great cost and peril.</p><p></p><p>As far as her attacking you, this seems to go with the territory. My son does the same. He blames me for all of his discomforts and all that he lacks. He believes that everything he needs should come from me. It is illogical. It is irrational. It is even deluded. For sure it is nonsense. But the thing is, we are responsible for shielding ourselves from this. They will not stop it. It serves them.</p><p></p><p>I want to tell you that I believe you are taking good, healthy steps to get support, to come here, and to begin to put yourself, not her, at the center of your life. Welcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 760402, member: 18958"] Dear Whistler I am sorry that you are in this situation but happy you've found us. I will just say what comes to mind and start there. At 53 your daughter's personality, state of mind, and character have been well-defined. It is not that she can't or won't change, (and she deserves a lot of credit for getting clean and becoming self-supporting), but the larger parameters of her life have been put into place. The thing that's so hard to accept, is WE can't change them. We find that the only real potential for change, lies in us. There is that saying, what you can change ends at the tip of your nose (to paraphrase.) It is only to this point that we have a real shot. To the tip of our own nose, not theirs. We have no control whatsoever over how these adults live their lives. Nearly everybody except those who are very severely impaired needs to make their own mistakes and be responsible for them. Almost all of us who come here start out very much in denial about this basic fact of life. I believe your daughter deserves autonomy in terms of her romantic choices, but like you I would be frantic with worry about this kind of foolhardy relationship. But the thing is, we really don't get a vote. Oh, I do get it. When the consequences of this nutty idea come into play she will seek to come back to your doorstep, and try to find solutions to her problems from you. Believe me, I know all too well how this is. The thing is this: How we suffer is our problem to solve, and it is our challenge to handle. How do we do it? Psychotherapy, boundaries, Al Anon, and making distance. But the major thing I believe is acceptance that there is not one thing we can or should do. They are adult people. End of story. I know in my own case that I struggle mightily with this. I have been here 6 years. Intellectually I know the story. Emotionally, I fall into the same pit over and over again, at great cost and peril. As far as her attacking you, this seems to go with the territory. My son does the same. He blames me for all of his discomforts and all that he lacks. He believes that everything he needs should come from me. It is illogical. It is irrational. It is even deluded. For sure it is nonsense. But the thing is, we are responsible for shielding ourselves from this. They will not stop it. It serves them. I want to tell you that I believe you are taking good, healthy steps to get support, to come here, and to begin to put yourself, not her, at the center of your life. Welcome. [/QUOTE]
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