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No word, and feeling worried
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 739242" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Oh Albatross. I try to defend against my heartbreak and here it is.</p><p> I do not believe this. Not one bit.</p><p></p><p>But I do believe this. I believe that his alcoholism serves a function for him. One that apparently he is unwilling to give up, yet.</p><p></p><p>I can only understand it vis a vis my own compulsive behavior. I zone out shopping, mostly online shopping. Ninety nine percent of what I buy is junk having no relationship to my life or priorities. What I am trying to say is that I habitually buy garbage. I enter into this zone when I feel stress and despair. It is how I avoid feeling. It is a highly destructive way to avoid bad feelings. I know this. But I do not care. At the time I do it, I only want to escape. I even feel shame, writing this, but this is true.</p><p></p><p>I went for a long time when my buying was controlled. But then again when my son went off the rails, I followed him. And I had to obliterate myself.</p><p></p><p>The money I spend, I need. Or if I didn't need it, my ethics would guide me to donating it to people who could use it. What I do disgusts me. But what I am trying to say is this. I have strived to be a good and productive person my whole adult life. Yet I do this thing.</p><p></p><p>Does it mean what I have done in my life over and above this compulsive and destructive behavior, has no meaning or importance to me or anybody else? Of course not.</p><p></p><p>Your son. How is he different than I am? Cannot the two things exist at the same time, that he and I try to live meaningful lives, but we fall off the wagon, because we choose not to deal with feelings or because we are afraid?</p><p> We cannot save our children, but we can continue to believe that they can and will save themselves. This is a choice.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to tell myself that every moment I can live in the present, which is to be able to stay in myself, without hiding, and doing some constructive thing. And to do this is to create possibility not just for myself, but for him. There is the belief in my faith, I think I am remembering it right, that through prayer energy we are able to create the world that we would want.</p><p></p><p>To me, the destruction of my child's life, or even his continued sadness, is the worst thing in life I can imagine suffering. I am faced with this. My son has a mortal illness and he is not treatment compliant. I know that there are dozens of mothers who deal with this same thing, in different ways. I get strength from you, and I feel your strength. We can hold this pain, if we are together, and turn it into something else. Courage.</p><p> I do not think it is so cut and dried. I think each of us chooses our life every second. And every second we can renew it. A life path is not like a sidewalk.</p><p></p><p>Recently I became reacquainted with the paintings of the artist Kandinsky. I found him again because I am trying to come up with a garden plan based upon the golden rectangle or spiral. And up came his paintings. Apparently he used this mathematical formula as a design template for many of his works. I looked closely at a number of them, and saw the common underlayment of this design principle.</p><p></p><p>But when you look at each one, each painting except for stylistically, they look different. The look like a jugglers balls. Like almost random. In their variation.</p><p></p><p>But there is order.</p><p></p><p>Your son's life, too, has order. Even though it may look like chaos. We cannot know what the order is for them, our sons. It is for them to live through the choices, and meaning of their lives.</p><p></p><p>For the longest time, even on this board, I tried to impose my order on my son. My design template.</p><p></p><p>I am coming to accept that our sons <em><u>are</u></em> living in relationship to the cosmos, or the Divine, and there is order there. I believe that. And just like Kandinsky with those random-seeming elements in his paintings, they can find it through their lives.</p><p></p><p>For me, that is the way I can understand detachment. I can go to google images and I can view those paintings. And remember that what looks like chaos is not.</p><p></p><p>I feel a little better today because there has been a little bit of contact with my son, that is within the land of the living, not a hundred percent over the edge, whack job discourse.</p><p></p><p>Elsi. Thank you very much for sharing your thread with me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 739242, member: 18958"] Oh Albatross. I try to defend against my heartbreak and here it is. I do not believe this. Not one bit. But I do believe this. I believe that his alcoholism serves a function for him. One that apparently he is unwilling to give up, yet. I can only understand it vis a vis my own compulsive behavior. I zone out shopping, mostly online shopping. Ninety nine percent of what I buy is junk having no relationship to my life or priorities. What I am trying to say is that I habitually buy garbage. I enter into this zone when I feel stress and despair. It is how I avoid feeling. It is a highly destructive way to avoid bad feelings. I know this. But I do not care. At the time I do it, I only want to escape. I even feel shame, writing this, but this is true. I went for a long time when my buying was controlled. But then again when my son went off the rails, I followed him. And I had to obliterate myself. The money I spend, I need. Or if I didn't need it, my ethics would guide me to donating it to people who could use it. What I do disgusts me. But what I am trying to say is this. I have strived to be a good and productive person my whole adult life. Yet I do this thing. Does it mean what I have done in my life over and above this compulsive and destructive behavior, has no meaning or importance to me or anybody else? Of course not. Your son. How is he different than I am? Cannot the two things exist at the same time, that he and I try to live meaningful lives, but we fall off the wagon, because we choose not to deal with feelings or because we are afraid? We cannot save our children, but we can continue to believe that they can and will save themselves. This is a choice. I am trying to tell myself that every moment I can live in the present, which is to be able to stay in myself, without hiding, and doing some constructive thing. And to do this is to create possibility not just for myself, but for him. There is the belief in my faith, I think I am remembering it right, that through prayer energy we are able to create the world that we would want. To me, the destruction of my child's life, or even his continued sadness, is the worst thing in life I can imagine suffering. I am faced with this. My son has a mortal illness and he is not treatment compliant. I know that there are dozens of mothers who deal with this same thing, in different ways. I get strength from you, and I feel your strength. We can hold this pain, if we are together, and turn it into something else. Courage. I do not think it is so cut and dried. I think each of us chooses our life every second. And every second we can renew it. A life path is not like a sidewalk. Recently I became reacquainted with the paintings of the artist Kandinsky. I found him again because I am trying to come up with a garden plan based upon the golden rectangle or spiral. And up came his paintings. Apparently he used this mathematical formula as a design template for many of his works. I looked closely at a number of them, and saw the common underlayment of this design principle. But when you look at each one, each painting except for stylistically, they look different. The look like a jugglers balls. Like almost random. In their variation. But there is order. Your son's life, too, has order. Even though it may look like chaos. We cannot know what the order is for them, our sons. It is for them to live through the choices, and meaning of their lives. For the longest time, even on this board, I tried to impose my order on my son. My design template. I am coming to accept that our sons [I][U]are[/U][/I] living in relationship to the cosmos, or the Divine, and there is order there. I believe that. And just like Kandinsky with those random-seeming elements in his paintings, they can find it through their lives. For me, that is the way I can understand detachment. I can go to google images and I can view those paintings. And remember that what looks like chaos is not. I feel a little better today because there has been a little bit of contact with my son, that is within the land of the living, not a hundred percent over the edge, whack job discourse. Elsi. Thank you very much for sharing your thread with me. [/QUOTE]
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