Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Not eating as a manipulation?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 602945" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Amelia, I am sorry you are dealing with this now. I do remember your story to some degree and I know your daughter has disabilities so your role is more complicated. I do know that not eating for one day does not cause ANY damage, except perhaps for blood sugar issues. One can fast for weeks without food, it's water that we cannot do without for long. It sounds to me that your daughter knows you well and knows how to manipulate you using your own fears. You are being held hostage by your daughter. </p><p></p><p>I think you might ignore this ploy, go forward with your research for a transitional program and do a little research on evicting her. In some states you have to go to court and have the person, even if it is your own child, escorted out by a sheriff. There may be a time period you have to wait for as well. I would also get myself immediate support in the way of a therapist for ME so that I could learn the difference between love and enabling particularly in regard to someone with a disability. Once I had all those ducks in order I would say "my plan is that if you do not follow through with the transitional program by (insert date) then by this date you will be officially evicted from the premises." You need to establish the boundaries that YOU can live with. Boundaries are an important issue and it doesn't sound as if you have any. Without them, this behavior will continue. You will need support since you have been taking care of your daughter and all her needs for her whole life it sounds like. Your daughter has no impetus to change her behavior, she can stay in her funk because she knows she can come up with some manipulation which will hook you back into doing what she wants. She has all the power in the relationship with you. I think therapy can help you gain your power back, it's your home, your money but it sounds as if your guilt and your fear keep you doing whatever she wants.</p><p></p><p>This is not a healthy situation for either of you. It's all or nothing, she either does what she wants or she is going to die on the streets. Neither of you can see that there is a giant gray area in the middle of that thinking which has many more options. That kind of black and white thinking keeps both of you stuck in this negative insanity where no one wins <u>but the game stays the same</u>. Over time these unhealthy, dysfunctional roles become cemented behavior which is rigid and very difficult to break out of. You've been doing this for a very long time. You're going to need help to stop. With time and some professional support, I think you can come up with options that will work better for both of you. </p><p></p><p>Nothing has happened except she has refused a meal, there is no reason for you to "freak out." Her refusal to eat is her choice. If you give that choice zero energy, my guess is that she will quickly be sneaking into the kitchen to grab a bite. Give some thought to your response to her, she doesn't need to go to the emergency room for not eating a meal. Try to gain some perspective on this so you can react more appropriately and more calmly. I I know that changing our behavior is difficult, but the only way you are going to gain any peace is by changing YOUR behavior, your responses, your reactions and your way of dealing with her. I hope you seek help so you can find some peace of mind.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 602945, member: 13542"] Amelia, I am sorry you are dealing with this now. I do remember your story to some degree and I know your daughter has disabilities so your role is more complicated. I do know that not eating for one day does not cause ANY damage, except perhaps for blood sugar issues. One can fast for weeks without food, it's water that we cannot do without for long. It sounds to me that your daughter knows you well and knows how to manipulate you using your own fears. You are being held hostage by your daughter. I think you might ignore this ploy, go forward with your research for a transitional program and do a little research on evicting her. In some states you have to go to court and have the person, even if it is your own child, escorted out by a sheriff. There may be a time period you have to wait for as well. I would also get myself immediate support in the way of a therapist for ME so that I could learn the difference between love and enabling particularly in regard to someone with a disability. Once I had all those ducks in order I would say "my plan is that if you do not follow through with the transitional program by (insert date) then by this date you will be officially evicted from the premises." You need to establish the boundaries that YOU can live with. Boundaries are an important issue and it doesn't sound as if you have any. Without them, this behavior will continue. You will need support since you have been taking care of your daughter and all her needs for her whole life it sounds like. Your daughter has no impetus to change her behavior, she can stay in her funk because she knows she can come up with some manipulation which will hook you back into doing what she wants. She has all the power in the relationship with you. I think therapy can help you gain your power back, it's your home, your money but it sounds as if your guilt and your fear keep you doing whatever she wants. This is not a healthy situation for either of you. It's all or nothing, she either does what she wants or she is going to die on the streets. Neither of you can see that there is a giant gray area in the middle of that thinking which has many more options. That kind of black and white thinking keeps both of you stuck in this negative insanity where no one wins [U]but the game stays the same[/U]. Over time these unhealthy, dysfunctional roles become cemented behavior which is rigid and very difficult to break out of. You've been doing this for a very long time. You're going to need help to stop. With time and some professional support, I think you can come up with options that will work better for both of you. Nothing has happened except she has refused a meal, there is no reason for you to "freak out." Her refusal to eat is her choice. If you give that choice zero energy, my guess is that she will quickly be sneaking into the kitchen to grab a bite. Give some thought to your response to her, she doesn't need to go to the emergency room for not eating a meal. Try to gain some perspective on this so you can react more appropriately and more calmly. I I know that changing our behavior is difficult, but the only way you are going to gain any peace is by changing YOUR behavior, your responses, your reactions and your way of dealing with her. I hope you seek help so you can find some peace of mind. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Not eating as a manipulation?
Top