Hello, Just kicked our 25 year old heroine addicted daughter out of our house. Discovered she broke into our safe and stole somewhere around $30K worth of cash and other valuables. She has had numerous conduct issues since she was very young. I have been in the principals office more times than I can count. She was always trouble in school and started getting into trouble with the law when she was a teenager. She went through rehab once, to no avail. We have two other high functioning, educated adult children ( One just finished his Doctorate) who also struggle with addiction/abuse, but are cognizant of their issues and continually seek to improve and control it. And they both are very successful at it. Neither of them has ever had the behavioral issues that she has. My husband has an addiction disorder as well. His Father was an alcoholic and his Maternal Grandfather was as well. He did the 23andme test and discovered he has the conduct disorder gene mutation. It's ironic this came from him, as his Family has completely abandoned us and our children. In fact, his Mother, a self professed devout Christian, has rejected our children since they were very young ( I am his second wife and his Christian mother has never accepted me). I have always been the enabler. Married at 18,have been married 30 years, finished college and graduate school ( masters in Nursing) with three kids and am now supporting my retired husband. I stayed at home with our kids until our daughter was in third grade. We regularly attended church when they were young. We put our daughter in a private ( for troubled kids) high school when she was in 10th grade as it was difficult to get her to just show up to class etc. She barely made it through high school despite being one of the smartest students. She wanted to go to college, so we set her up to start. Her freshman year, on Christmas break, while we were all visiting her at her condo, after we were all asleep, went to a boyfriends house, got drunk, got into her car and got into a wreck ( hitting a Family in their car on Christmas vacation- thankfully no-one was injured) which led to her first DUI. Then others ensued. Now, She has no job, no car, no money, a criminal record and terrible credit at this point. She has health insurance for 2 more months.She signed up for trade school a couple of weeks ago, and seemed very motivated initially, but was soon side tracked with drug use.She hides all evidence of drug use, but we've had suspicions of which we confronted her with numerous times but she always denied it. She just finished probation that required drug testing ( 2 years!) We decided if she couldn't wake up again this morning to get to class, we would take her to the hospital- I wanted to take her the hospital.(After waiting until mid morning to check on her, I found her in a deep sleep with black smudges all over her face). When she awoke- we told her to pack a bag, that we were taking her to the hospital. She refused. My husband told her to leave and never come back. It was really awful and I'm having some difficulty functioning right now. Before she left, she ran up the stairs, got into my face and said, " I'll do it for you', - I said , What? She said, "get sober - but first I'm going to get high." And she left. And I don't know where she is.
Not sure how to proceed
- Thread starter MomK
- Start date
When my son was getting ready to go into one of his many failed rehabs, he told me he was going to go get high "one last time." I didn't say anything to him but I was thinking "What a crock." With that attitude, no wonder he's never been successful. And I don't think your daughter can or will get sober for you...if she doesn't want to do it for herself, it won't work, plain and simple. It took me a long time to come to that realization.
I'm so sorry you're going through his. I pray you can resolve issues and set boundaries that will give you some peace of mind and solace of heart. Good luck to you all.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Welcome and sorry you have to be here but I agree with the others.
It's best that you don't let her drug in your home.
My best friend's nephew (I grew up with my friend and her two sisters living next door to me so are like family to me) was on heroin. His mother enabled him. I spoke to her on the phone many times; she wanted my advice but NEVER took it. She kept getting him out of jail, felt sorry for him etc.
Yes of course we feel sorry for them or bad or however you want to phrase it, because it IS truly horrible, BUT that does not help them. If it did, we would not need this site.
Needless to say, last year she came home from the night shift and he was dead in his bedroom. She thought she was keeping him safe. He was 21.
It's best that you don't let her drug in your home.
My best friend's nephew (I grew up with my friend and her two sisters living next door to me so are like family to me) was on heroin. His mother enabled him. I spoke to her on the phone many times; she wanted my advice but NEVER took it. She kept getting him out of jail, felt sorry for him etc.
Yes of course we feel sorry for them or bad or however you want to phrase it, because it IS truly horrible, BUT that does not help them. If it did, we would not need this site.
Needless to say, last year she came home from the night shift and he was dead in his bedroom. She thought she was keeping him safe. He was 21.
That's every mother's conflict (or at least mine). Yes I am standing firm in not allowing my son to bring drugs into my home or to be here while he is in any stage of using. But which is worse, to find them dead in your home or to find out about it from a call from the hospital or police that he was found dead in a park or by the side of the road? What an agonizing position we are in.
elizabrary
Well-Known Member
It's so difficult to accept that as parents we have very little influence over what our adult children do. Around 8 years ago I put my adult daughter out of my house with her infant daughter because she refused to follow the agreed upon rules of my home. It was horrible, but the best thing for both of us. She floundered for several years and it was hard to watch. She's an alcoholic and has been sober and relapsed. Currently she is expecting her second child, is relatively stable with a job, housing and back in school. She's sober now because she is pregnant but I think I will always worry about relapse. If I had let her bounce in and out of my home and enabled her I don't think she would be as stable as she is now. She had to figure it out on her own, which also gives her a sense of pride and accomplishment. I know how difficult this is but you did the right thing in kicking her out. If she wants to get sober she will do it when she is ready and do it for herself. If she gets sober for someone else, that person will be her excuse for relapsing. Please focus your energy on yourself and learning about healthy boundaries. Treat yourself kindly as you are going through a trauma. Find things to keep yourself busy- color, walk in nature, learn to knit, go to a movie or binge watch a TV show. I love my job so when I am struggling in my personal life I can throw myself into my work to keep my mind occupied. Sending peace to you.
So thankful for this site. You have all been so incredibly helpful and supportive. Just reading others experiences made me cry. So awful we share these, but I'm so glad we can share together to help with the pain.
As an update, I still have not heard from my daughter, and I have not tried to contact her. Am not sure this is the right thing to do. It appears she deleted her social media account as well.
As an update, I still have not heard from my daughter, and I have not tried to contact her. Am not sure this is the right thing to do. It appears she deleted her social media account as well.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I don't think there is a right thing to do when we locate right or wrong outside of ourselves.
There can only be right and wrong for us, for the sanctity of our home, for the welfare of our family of which we are an essential part.
Part of the problem with our kids is this: a huge imbalance has occured. Have you seen pictures of people or animals with tumors where the diseased part has grown so huge as to deform the body?
That's what has happened to each of our kids where the addiction has subsumed their lives and will and with that, our energies and our families. Part of what has to happen is a return to balance. This is one way the faith based treatment programs and 12 step groups help.
We have become accustomed to gauge our well being by their well being. We only work, if they are safe. They begin to feel powerless and without efficacy in their own lives. This is a huge destortion that has to change. We can only change it in us. By starting again to locate power, well being, will, efficacy in us. And basically learning to make them peripheral.
Not to ignore or forget or to be uncaring, but so that they can begin to locate their well being in them. Not us.
My son yesterday said about his state that it was irrevocable. Of course he's right. Because if he doesn't put himself in a space where he becomes empowered to decide to revoke the power he's given to the drug, it will be irrevocable. I spoke to him about illness and death. Because this is where his lifestyle leads. What's the point of beating around the bush?
I don't want to participate. And I want him to know that I am facing the reality of my life, independent of his decisions. Finally, I can bear to look the reality in it's face.
It does not have to be my reality. Nor his. But I have no control here. My choices are mine. His are his. This is true for your daughter, too.
There can only be right and wrong for us, for the sanctity of our home, for the welfare of our family of which we are an essential part.
Part of the problem with our kids is this: a huge imbalance has occured. Have you seen pictures of people or animals with tumors where the diseased part has grown so huge as to deform the body?
That's what has happened to each of our kids where the addiction has subsumed their lives and will and with that, our energies and our families. Part of what has to happen is a return to balance. This is one way the faith based treatment programs and 12 step groups help.
We have become accustomed to gauge our well being by their well being. We only work, if they are safe. They begin to feel powerless and without efficacy in their own lives. This is a huge destortion that has to change. We can only change it in us. By starting again to locate power, well being, will, efficacy in us. And basically learning to make them peripheral.
Not to ignore or forget or to be uncaring, but so that they can begin to locate their well being in them. Not us.
My son yesterday said about his state that it was irrevocable. Of course he's right. Because if he doesn't put himself in a space where he becomes empowered to decide to revoke the power he's given to the drug, it will be irrevocable. I spoke to him about illness and death. Because this is where his lifestyle leads. What's the point of beating around the bush?
I don't want to participate. And I want him to know that I am facing the reality of my life, independent of his decisions. Finally, I can bear to look the reality in it's face.
It does not have to be my reality. Nor his. But I have no control here. My choices are mine. His are his. This is true for your daughter, too.
Thank you so much for all your insight and support. As the most recent storm unfolds..., it appears my daughter has checked into a rehab program for the second time. We have not spoken with her as yet. Am determined to take a more objective stance and remain on the periphery. Although, there is a great deal of psychological discipline involved. The Art of Emotional detachment is my current study. The difficulty stems from an inner need to protect and defend my children which is exponentially magnified as a result of my extremely poor and dysfunctional upbringing. Subconsciously I have a need to provide all the opportunities that I was never given- so silly to think of myself as so omnipotent.
Some pointed conversational memories with my daughter have surfaced:
- I had read a moving letter published by a recovering addict to my daughter some years ago. In the letter addressed to his Mother, the addict described his secret to recovery- " Let me fall" and went on to detail the importance of stepping aside and letting the addict receive the full brunt of consequences. In our discussions afterwards, my daughter vehemently agreed with the author.
- A couple of years later, this same subject came up again during a group Family therapy session in Rehab. She was sitting in front of me across the table. When this was brought up and discussed, she again vehemently agreed and even turned around and looked directly in to my eyes...
Am hoping she remembers.
Some pointed conversational memories with my daughter have surfaced:
- I had read a moving letter published by a recovering addict to my daughter some years ago. In the letter addressed to his Mother, the addict described his secret to recovery- " Let me fall" and went on to detail the importance of stepping aside and letting the addict receive the full brunt of consequences. In our discussions afterwards, my daughter vehemently agreed with the author.
- A couple of years later, this same subject came up again during a group Family therapy session in Rehab. She was sitting in front of me across the table. When this was brought up and discussed, she again vehemently agreed and even turned around and looked directly in to my eyes...
Am hoping she remembers.
