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Now he is really gone.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 678967" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Oh Copa, I am sorry this is hard......I have felt a tinge of guilt, and possible coldness on my part in not searching for my "no contact"<em> punishing</em> Tornado. I have not spoken with her these five months. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve have come and gone.</p><p>I am stubborn.</p><p>I feel that if she has changed her ways, she would try and call, or something. Then there is that old dread that if she called, what would she want from me? Would an apology or attempt to rekindle some sort of relationship be genuine, or just another ploy to take advantage of me?</p><p>She chooses not to speak with me, and I have not felt the urge, or want, or even need to seek her out. Am I heartless? I do not know. It has just been too long of a haul, too much of the same old, same old. When thinking of her and all we have gone through watching her in action these years, she feels dangerous, toxic.</p><p> This is exactly why I am so stubbornly placing my Tornado, way, way in the back of my thoughts and heart. Perpetrator. I am sorry Copa. Contact and having to deal with our d cs on a regular basis is infinitely more difficult, then not. While the unanswered questions and not knowing are hard, what you are struggling with now can be unbearable. Stay strong. I am glad you are determined not to go back to bed. Glad that M will champion this conundrum.</p><p> I do not have answers for you, except for what you already know. Mental illness or not, son needs to understand it is not possible for him to do this. It is the hardest thing to do, turn our d cs whom we love, away from the one place, our home, but two places? This really sucks.</p><p></p><p> I don't see you as the loser, just stuck for now. What to do?</p><p> This is good. Be good to yourself. M is dealing with this for now. It gives you some time and breathing room, time to think.</p><p>Maybe separate your emotions from it, hard to do.</p><p>Try and answer your own post, as if you were writing to a new member with the same issue. See how you would respond. Then think on it.</p><p></p><p> I saw this yesterday.......</p><p></p><p> I do not think you are a hypocrite, Copa, stop being harsh on yourself. You are a loving mom in an impossible situation. We have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror.</p><p></p><p>This is way different then your old posts. You have done much work to grow and change. <em>There is no perfect solution in all of this, for any of us.</em> I see a lot of progress and a very different way of looking at the problem. You are no longer consumed with what son is doing concerning his health issues. You have stepped back. Is being in your big green tank a way of stepping back, too? I think so. You are in self protect mode struggling with the real issues of how contact with son affects your health. Struggling also, with the desire to help him, but how?</p><p></p><p>You are not the loser, you are taking time to try to figure this out. You are in full battle gear, a soldier, ready to fight for yourself, but also championing for your son. Who the heck would know how to do this, when faced daily with it? It becomes unfathomable. Who can figure this out?</p><p></p><p>You will. M will. Figure it out, that is, <em>the answers don't always come to us right away</em>.</p><p>Remember to slow....way.....down.......breathe.</p><p></p><p>It will be okay.</p><p></p><p>You are posting and sharing.</p><p>The answer will come.</p><p>One day, one step at a time.</p><p>I am sorry for the pain of this.</p><p></p><p>I am going for my walk before I flake out....I will be thinking of you and praying for peace of mind, for you and for all of us.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 678967, member: 19522"] Oh Copa, I am sorry this is hard......I have felt a tinge of guilt, and possible coldness on my part in not searching for my "no contact"[I] punishing[/I] Tornado. I have not spoken with her these five months. Her birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve have come and gone. I am stubborn. I feel that if she has changed her ways, she would try and call, or something. Then there is that old dread that if she called, what would she want from me? Would an apology or attempt to rekindle some sort of relationship be genuine, or just another ploy to take advantage of me? She chooses not to speak with me, and I have not felt the urge, or want, or even need to seek her out. Am I heartless? I do not know. It has just been too long of a haul, too much of the same old, same old. When thinking of her and all we have gone through watching her in action these years, she feels dangerous, toxic. This is exactly why I am so stubbornly placing my Tornado, way, way in the back of my thoughts and heart. Perpetrator. I am sorry Copa. Contact and having to deal with our d cs on a regular basis is infinitely more difficult, then not. While the unanswered questions and not knowing are hard, what you are struggling with now can be unbearable. Stay strong. I am glad you are determined not to go back to bed. Glad that M will champion this conundrum. I do not have answers for you, except for what you already know. Mental illness or not, son needs to understand it is not possible for him to do this. It is the hardest thing to do, turn our d cs whom we love, away from the one place, our home, but two places? This really sucks. I don't see you as the loser, just stuck for now. What to do? This is good. Be good to yourself. M is dealing with this for now. It gives you some time and breathing room, time to think. Maybe separate your emotions from it, hard to do. Try and answer your own post, as if you were writing to a new member with the same issue. See how you would respond. Then think on it. I saw this yesterday....... I do not think you are a hypocrite, Copa, stop being harsh on yourself. You are a loving mom in an impossible situation. We have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. This is way different then your old posts. You have done much work to grow and change. [I]There is no perfect solution in all of this, for any of us.[/I] I see a lot of progress and a very different way of looking at the problem. You are no longer consumed with what son is doing concerning his health issues. You have stepped back. Is being in your big green tank a way of stepping back, too? I think so. You are in self protect mode struggling with the real issues of how contact with son affects your health. Struggling also, with the desire to help him, but how? You are not the loser, you are taking time to try to figure this out. You are in full battle gear, a soldier, ready to fight for yourself, but also championing for your son. Who the heck would know how to do this, when faced daily with it? It becomes unfathomable. Who can figure this out? You will. M will. Figure it out, that is, [I]the answers don't always come to us right away[/I]. Remember to slow....way.....down.......breathe. It will be okay. You are posting and sharing. The answer will come. One day, one step at a time. I am sorry for the pain of this. I am going for my walk before I flake out....I will be thinking of you and praying for peace of mind, for you and for all of us. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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