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Now he is really gone.
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 679252" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>This pain certainly is powerful and unique and I'm so sorry. I spent time in therapy shaking it all out. I have spent years shaking my fist at G.d because it is so unfair for my Difficult Child and for our family. It seems sick and cruel. I am, for the most part, past that. I rarely think of that anymore.</p><p></p><p>Your son's poor choices are certainly not your fault. I too get stuck on that one. We have friends who are in a certain profession and their two children are also in that profession, even though one of the children struggled terribly to get there. Why didn't he just give up? How did he stay motivated under such great odds? We have other friends with three kids. One doesn't have a lot of self motivation and isn't exceptionally bright. Yet, this one and the other two all...even with all their individual difficulties earned Masters degrees in their areas of interest. So, I'm right their with you because I perseverate on this all the time and am embarrassed by it. I feel like the parents have some special skill that I "obviously" lack. I honestly suspect it is something "special" the parents did that encouraged those kids to move forward. Some would have done it on their own, but others more than likely NOT. Why did they listen to the good advice of their parents even though the task presented to them was exceptionally hard ? Will it backfire later? (I kinda doubt they will regret getting a Masters degree). And maybe I'm wrong and the parents didn't influence them all that much.</p><p></p><p>But, my hubby reminds me that our Difficult Child is mentally ill. All bets are off. And, mixed in there, is great difficulty learning from last mistakes. I know she can learn from past mistakes, but it seems very difficult.</p><p></p><p>This is why I am willing to help her. I'm willing to give her the emergency gc. I'm willing to give her extra...but unless there is a TRUE documented emergency, there is no "more than extra." I hope that makes sense. She has to figure out how to make it in this world. She has to be grateful for the little extras she is supplied with. She has to stop taking advantage of me and her father and do whatever she can to go forward.</p><p></p><p>And there is evidence that she is doing just that. Painfully slowly, but she is going forward and this is good for both of us.</p><p></p><p>Ironically, I had a blood test go south on me just recently and themain difference between the two tests was stress. Perhaps for the first time ...not Difficult Child stress. I think it can influence our health negatively, especially when it is constant.</p><p></p><p>So, if there is some sort of way you can help your son minimally , but then set a boundary and step away...it is a concept to think about. It is something that has worked with me. </p><p></p><p>My apologies for being harsh. You don't need that. This situation is so very painful. I have cried and cried over the years. I am in a certain place right now with my health and in a weird way, it has made me stronger, I don't have choices left, I have to be stronger. I don't like being this sick and I recognize the excessive stress is hurting my health and I wouldn't want to see it hurt yours or anyone else's. </p><p></p><p>Thank goodness for M...this is a huge blessing. I'm fortunate for my husband as well. </p><p></p><p>I'm glad you agreed to take care of your health...needs to be a priority!</p><p></p><p>Blessings.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 679252, member: 4152"] This pain certainly is powerful and unique and I'm so sorry. I spent time in therapy shaking it all out. I have spent years shaking my fist at G.d because it is so unfair for my Difficult Child and for our family. It seems sick and cruel. I am, for the most part, past that. I rarely think of that anymore. Your son's poor choices are certainly not your fault. I too get stuck on that one. We have friends who are in a certain profession and their two children are also in that profession, even though one of the children struggled terribly to get there. Why didn't he just give up? How did he stay motivated under such great odds? We have other friends with three kids. One doesn't have a lot of self motivation and isn't exceptionally bright. Yet, this one and the other two all...even with all their individual difficulties earned Masters degrees in their areas of interest. So, I'm right their with you because I perseverate on this all the time and am embarrassed by it. I feel like the parents have some special skill that I "obviously" lack. I honestly suspect it is something "special" the parents did that encouraged those kids to move forward. Some would have done it on their own, but others more than likely NOT. Why did they listen to the good advice of their parents even though the task presented to them was exceptionally hard ? Will it backfire later? (I kinda doubt they will regret getting a Masters degree). And maybe I'm wrong and the parents didn't influence them all that much. But, my hubby reminds me that our Difficult Child is mentally ill. All bets are off. And, mixed in there, is great difficulty learning from last mistakes. I know she can learn from past mistakes, but it seems very difficult. This is why I am willing to help her. I'm willing to give her the emergency gc. I'm willing to give her extra...but unless there is a TRUE documented emergency, there is no "more than extra." I hope that makes sense. She has to figure out how to make it in this world. She has to be grateful for the little extras she is supplied with. She has to stop taking advantage of me and her father and do whatever she can to go forward. And there is evidence that she is doing just that. Painfully slowly, but she is going forward and this is good for both of us. Ironically, I had a blood test go south on me just recently and themain difference between the two tests was stress. Perhaps for the first time ...not Difficult Child stress. I think it can influence our health negatively, especially when it is constant. So, if there is some sort of way you can help your son minimally , but then set a boundary and step away...it is a concept to think about. It is something that has worked with me. My apologies for being harsh. You don't need that. This situation is so very painful. I have cried and cried over the years. I am in a certain place right now with my health and in a weird way, it has made me stronger, I don't have choices left, I have to be stronger. I don't like being this sick and I recognize the excessive stress is hurting my health and I wouldn't want to see it hurt yours or anyone else's. Thank goodness for M...this is a huge blessing. I'm fortunate for my husband as well. I'm glad you agreed to take care of your health...needs to be a priority! Blessings. [/QUOTE]
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