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Now he is really gone.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 679318" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think I learned that if somebody I loved was not happy or OK, if I self-destructed, it made it better.</p><p></p><p>It is not that I am snowed by the manipulations of my son. I think I am traumatized by how he treats me. Horrified. I think I feel guilty. That it is my fault. That he must treat me this way because I am a bad mother, like I must have been a bad and undeserving child or my parents would have treated me better. My fault. Not theirs. My fault. Not his.</p><p></p><p>Of course this is neither logical nor correct. But it is remembered in a deep way. </p><p></p><p>His stupid, martyr attitude of not taking responsibility for anything, just fills me with frustration (and even contempt, if the truth be told.) I do not feel guilty in reality. I feel responsible because <em>it must be my fault</em>. I try to stop the train wreck. So I default back to childhood, when I just killed my spirit off.</p><p></p><p>It is a horrible thing. I watch myself do it.</p><p></p><p>I am horrified that my son does not care about me. I know in his way he loves me, but he is unaware or indifferent to how he affects me. <em>Just like my parents were</em>.</p><p></p><p>So, I throw myself on the funeral pyre.</p><p></p><p>If I have to keep him entirely away from me, until I feel I can master this in myself, I will. I am getting to the point where I matter to me almost as much as he matters to me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Nomad, for speaking up for us. I am grateful.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 679318, member: 18958"] I think I learned that if somebody I loved was not happy or OK, if I self-destructed, it made it better. It is not that I am snowed by the manipulations of my son. I think I am traumatized by how he treats me. Horrified. I think I feel guilty. That it is my fault. That he must treat me this way because I am a bad mother, like I must have been a bad and undeserving child or my parents would have treated me better. My fault. Not theirs. My fault. Not his. Of course this is neither logical nor correct. But it is remembered in a deep way. His stupid, martyr attitude of not taking responsibility for anything, just fills me with frustration (and even contempt, if the truth be told.) I do not feel guilty in reality. I feel responsible because [I]it must be my fault[/I]. I try to stop the train wreck. So I default back to childhood, when I just killed my spirit off. It is a horrible thing. I watch myself do it. I am horrified that my son does not care about me. I know in his way he loves me, but he is unaware or indifferent to how he affects me. [I]Just like my parents were[/I]. So, I throw myself on the funeral pyre. If I have to keep him entirely away from me, until I feel I can master this in myself, I will. I am getting to the point where I matter to me almost as much as he matters to me. Thank you Nomad, for speaking up for us. I am grateful. COPA [/QUOTE]
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