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Now he is really gone.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 679319" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Copa, I am so sorry for all of this. It is my story with my two as well.</p><p>It does feel like sh-t.</p><p>Feel what you feel and let it all out.</p><p>It is not good to hold it in.</p><p>You are upfront and honest about how you are feeling.</p><p>Good.</p><p>Now, to build back up.</p><p></p><p>M tried again to help your son.</p><p>If M did not try, he would be left again to wonder.</p><p>We love our kids and want them to get better.</p><p>It is a whole different dynamic when they are near.</p><p>M wanted to try something, to give son a chance.</p><p>In no time, it became more and more clear, the lack of reciprocation, appreciation. Viewing a bit of help and you both as<em> things to take advantage of.</em></p><p></p><p>I think each time we go through this cycle, we learn and grow a little bit more. I would like to think the kids learn too, that they cannot take us for granted, that we are not easy marks anymore.</p><p>They leave it up to us to teach them this.</p><p></p><p>We reinforce in our own hearts and minds what we tell others, we cannot have this in our homes. Copa, it is the same you wrote to me when Rain came and so menacingly got up in my face. Yours is more gradual, not suddenly aggressive. But stressful, abusive and health destroying.</p><p></p><p>It is unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>You deserve peace of mind in your home. Your home is your sanctuary.</p><p></p><p>Rain is not well either. She is crippled by her meth use. A different worldview than what she was taught. It has made me her enemy. Her own mother. She triangulates, gravitates towards her dad, who is willing to help her. She seeks to drive a wedge between us and <em>would have me gone</em>. The motive is to get back in the house, and she does not care about the damage she does to get this. Her father does not see this. He wants to help.</p><p></p><p>Some how, some day, he will see that helping does not help, that crippled by meth use or not, Rain is an adult and must learn to make better choices, we will not be around forever to rescue her.</p><p></p><p>These kids do not view us the way we view them. Maybe from afar, but when near, they take and take and take. We want them to be better, but when they are near and we help, they regress. They take us down with them. They would have us sickly and bereft and confused, on our knees.</p><p></p><p>It is because standing strong, we would not put up with the machinations.</p><p>With the pain of each encounter and what it does to us we are learning.</p><p></p><p>One of the things we have found out when faced with the pain of this, is that it connects to the things we went through with our FOO.</p><p></p><p>For me, it is because the <em>feeling is very familiar</em>. The feeling of powerlessness, also that inner child voice telling me that something is very wrong with being abused by someone I love.</p><p></p><p>But we are not powerless. We have control over ourselves now. Our homes.</p><p></p><p>You have done your parenting, and tried over and again to help your son. This time, it was M, who needed to try. You stood in the background Copa, because you have already recognized what happens to you when your son is near.</p><p></p><p>This is huge.</p><p></p><p>It does not take away from the feelings rearing up when everything comes to an ugly head.</p><p></p><p>You gave son a list of places he can go, the rest is up to him.</p><p>It is the same for my Rain, and Tornado and my grands. They will not be allowed back in the house to take us hostage and ravage through whatever they want, <em>including my heart.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>This takes incredible work and constant vigilance over emotions. Especially since I was taught early on, that it was okay to sacrifice myself for the needs of others.</p><p></p><p>No more. No more ravaging by them and sinking into the pit of despair by me.</p><p></p><p>No more for you, either.</p><p>It is the best message we could give our d cs.</p><p></p><p>Despite our great and everlasting love for them, we will not let them destroy us.</p><p></p><p>Nothing good could ever come from that Copa, for them or for us.</p><p></p><p>Their success in finding their purpose and meaning, depends largely on us standing up and refusing to be disrespected.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry for the pain and hardship of it. I see by your posts that you are growing ever stronger, and that is a good thing, as much for your son, as it is for you.</p><p></p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 679319, member: 19522"] Copa, I am so sorry for all of this. It is my story with my two as well. It does feel like sh-t. Feel what you feel and let it all out. It is not good to hold it in. You are upfront and honest about how you are feeling. Good. Now, to build back up. M tried again to help your son. If M did not try, he would be left again to wonder. We love our kids and want them to get better. It is a whole different dynamic when they are near. M wanted to try something, to give son a chance. In no time, it became more and more clear, the lack of reciprocation, appreciation. Viewing a bit of help and you both as[I] things to take advantage of.[/I] I think each time we go through this cycle, we learn and grow a little bit more. I would like to think the kids learn too, that they cannot take us for granted, that we are not easy marks anymore. They leave it up to us to teach them this. We reinforce in our own hearts and minds what we tell others, we cannot have this in our homes. Copa, it is the same you wrote to me when Rain came and so menacingly got up in my face. Yours is more gradual, not suddenly aggressive. But stressful, abusive and health destroying. It is unacceptable. You deserve peace of mind in your home. Your home is your sanctuary. Rain is not well either. She is crippled by her meth use. A different worldview than what she was taught. It has made me her enemy. Her own mother. She triangulates, gravitates towards her dad, who is willing to help her. She seeks to drive a wedge between us and [I]would have me gone[/I]. The motive is to get back in the house, and she does not care about the damage she does to get this. Her father does not see this. He wants to help. Some how, some day, he will see that helping does not help, that crippled by meth use or not, Rain is an adult and must learn to make better choices, we will not be around forever to rescue her. These kids do not view us the way we view them. Maybe from afar, but when near, they take and take and take. We want them to be better, but when they are near and we help, they regress. They take us down with them. They would have us sickly and bereft and confused, on our knees. It is because standing strong, we would not put up with the machinations. With the pain of each encounter and what it does to us we are learning. One of the things we have found out when faced with the pain of this, is that it connects to the things we went through with our FOO. For me, it is because the [I]feeling is very familiar[/I]. The feeling of powerlessness, also that inner child voice telling me that something is very wrong with being abused by someone I love. But we are not powerless. We have control over ourselves now. Our homes. You have done your parenting, and tried over and again to help your son. This time, it was M, who needed to try. You stood in the background Copa, because you have already recognized what happens to you when your son is near. This is huge. It does not take away from the feelings rearing up when everything comes to an ugly head. You gave son a list of places he can go, the rest is up to him. It is the same for my Rain, and Tornado and my grands. They will not be allowed back in the house to take us hostage and ravage through whatever they want, [I]including my heart. [/I] This takes incredible work and constant vigilance over emotions. Especially since I was taught early on, that it was okay to sacrifice myself for the needs of others. No more. No more ravaging by them and sinking into the pit of despair by me. No more for you, either. It is the best message we could give our d cs. Despite our great and everlasting love for them, we will not let them destroy us. Nothing good could ever come from that Copa, for them or for us. Their success in finding their purpose and meaning, depends largely on us standing up and refusing to be disrespected. I am sorry for the pain and hardship of it. I see by your posts that you are growing ever stronger, and that is a good thing, as much for your son, as it is for you. (((Hugs))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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