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Now he's trying to make false accusations to the judge
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 728891" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I have to come out and say this. I don't mean to be argumentative with anyone, especially Copa. Copa is the sweetest, most patient person on the planet. I just never buy the "let them do what they want and they will end up okay in later years". Why? I have never seen it work in a case where the child was doing things that were clearly signs of not psychotic behavior but of psychopathic behavior or murderous/maiming behavior done on purpose. You don't put mercury in someone's glass by accident. You just don't. </p><p></p><p>I went to high school with a kid who's mother was a psychologist. She wrote books espousing what your family therapist is telling you. Her son was a total nightmare. He only learned to leave me alone because I proved that I could be a whole lot meaner in far sneakier ways. He made victims of a whole lot of people and got away with it because his mother would psychobabble the school out of knowing what to do with him. </p><p></p><p>He wasn't the only kid I saw like that. I have seen quite a few of my kids' peers who were treated with that sort of philosophy. If they had true mental illness, conduct disorder or something more serious, that did nothing. </p><p></p><p>Sadly, the question is "What will help?" If it is drug addiction, you have to make it impossible for him to get drugs. That is far harder to do than you would think. If it is mental health, you may need long term treatment. That can help or at age 18 he could walk away and refuse all treatment. In some US states they can refuse mental health treatment as early as age 13 or 14. A parent or guardian cannot force them to see a doctor, take medication for a mental illness, or participate in therapy. Sadly, the child still has to have a parent's permission to get Tylenol or a bandaid at school at that same age. If the child is a psychopath, I have no idea what will help. I cannot tell you what will help other than to make sure that YOU are safe.</p><p></p><p>Be VERY aware that an IEP will NOT pay for residential treatment. If placement in a residential facility is determined to be the best Free and Appropriate Public Education in the Least Restrictive Environment (often called FAPE in LRE as you go through the process) for the safety of the child and everyone else, then the school will pay for the <u>educational portion only</u>. They will NOT pay for all of the fees. If your son qualifies for medicaid (state children's insurance) either due to your income or due to a waiver based on the severity of his problems, he may get some of a residential stay paid for by Medicaid. We had vastly better luck getting Medicaid to pay for inpatient care for my son than we did getting private insurance to pay. Shorter waiting for a bed with Medicaid also. </p><p></p><p>There is something to be said for not giving up everything that is meaningful that you have built up for a child that may or may not be helped by whatever you can figure out to help him. You matter too. I once said that I was not going to sacrifice my other children's childhood on the altar of my oldest child's mental illness. There was something that the "experts" wanted us to do that was over the top and would have me dragging my other kids in to the city two more times a week when we already had to be there twice a week. Four days a week to make a 45 minute drive (we lived in a different city and state) with 3 kids ages 1, 5 and 9? I don't think so. They need some time at home to be kids. I also don't think parents should sacrifice everything for a child. </p><p></p><p>If the parents completely fall apart because they have sacrificed everything for a child, the child is left with nothing. You just end up with a child in crisis AND parents in crisis rather than just a child in crisis. The child is actually in a bigger crisis because the home is less stable. From what you have told me, the moving process was NOT the start of your son's problems, but your son has manipulated things to make it seem that way. That is my take on it. Sure moving is hard on everyone, I don't discount it. But I think your son was acting out long before that, he was just able to hide it because life was routine and you were doing routine things. Now that your actions are not so routine, it has been harder for him to hide what he is up to. If that makes sense. Given that his attempt to hurt you predates the moving process by a great deal, I think the move is a smoke screen. </p><p></p><p>You may need to just take some time and really get in touch with your instincts. Do whatever centers and balances you. Then make a decision about this and go from there. Just don't forget to count yourself and your husband into the equation. Your son's needs are very far from the only needs that matter. Very, very far. And safety MUST be the top priority.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 728891, member: 1233"] I have to come out and say this. I don't mean to be argumentative with anyone, especially Copa. Copa is the sweetest, most patient person on the planet. I just never buy the "let them do what they want and they will end up okay in later years". Why? I have never seen it work in a case where the child was doing things that were clearly signs of not psychotic behavior but of psychopathic behavior or murderous/maiming behavior done on purpose. You don't put mercury in someone's glass by accident. You just don't. I went to high school with a kid who's mother was a psychologist. She wrote books espousing what your family therapist is telling you. Her son was a total nightmare. He only learned to leave me alone because I proved that I could be a whole lot meaner in far sneakier ways. He made victims of a whole lot of people and got away with it because his mother would psychobabble the school out of knowing what to do with him. He wasn't the only kid I saw like that. I have seen quite a few of my kids' peers who were treated with that sort of philosophy. If they had true mental illness, conduct disorder or something more serious, that did nothing. Sadly, the question is "What will help?" If it is drug addiction, you have to make it impossible for him to get drugs. That is far harder to do than you would think. If it is mental health, you may need long term treatment. That can help or at age 18 he could walk away and refuse all treatment. In some US states they can refuse mental health treatment as early as age 13 or 14. A parent or guardian cannot force them to see a doctor, take medication for a mental illness, or participate in therapy. Sadly, the child still has to have a parent's permission to get Tylenol or a bandaid at school at that same age. If the child is a psychopath, I have no idea what will help. I cannot tell you what will help other than to make sure that YOU are safe. Be VERY aware that an IEP will NOT pay for residential treatment. If placement in a residential facility is determined to be the best Free and Appropriate Public Education in the Least Restrictive Environment (often called FAPE in LRE as you go through the process) for the safety of the child and everyone else, then the school will pay for the [U]educational portion only[/U]. They will NOT pay for all of the fees. If your son qualifies for medicaid (state children's insurance) either due to your income or due to a waiver based on the severity of his problems, he may get some of a residential stay paid for by Medicaid. We had vastly better luck getting Medicaid to pay for inpatient care for my son than we did getting private insurance to pay. Shorter waiting for a bed with Medicaid also. There is something to be said for not giving up everything that is meaningful that you have built up for a child that may or may not be helped by whatever you can figure out to help him. You matter too. I once said that I was not going to sacrifice my other children's childhood on the altar of my oldest child's mental illness. There was something that the "experts" wanted us to do that was over the top and would have me dragging my other kids in to the city two more times a week when we already had to be there twice a week. Four days a week to make a 45 minute drive (we lived in a different city and state) with 3 kids ages 1, 5 and 9? I don't think so. They need some time at home to be kids. I also don't think parents should sacrifice everything for a child. If the parents completely fall apart because they have sacrificed everything for a child, the child is left with nothing. You just end up with a child in crisis AND parents in crisis rather than just a child in crisis. The child is actually in a bigger crisis because the home is less stable. From what you have told me, the moving process was NOT the start of your son's problems, but your son has manipulated things to make it seem that way. That is my take on it. Sure moving is hard on everyone, I don't discount it. But I think your son was acting out long before that, he was just able to hide it because life was routine and you were doing routine things. Now that your actions are not so routine, it has been harder for him to hide what he is up to. If that makes sense. Given that his attempt to hurt you predates the moving process by a great deal, I think the move is a smoke screen. You may need to just take some time and really get in touch with your instincts. Do whatever centers and balances you. Then make a decision about this and go from there. Just don't forget to count yourself and your husband into the equation. Your son's needs are very far from the only needs that matter. Very, very far. And safety MUST be the top priority. [/QUOTE]
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