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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709653" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I do not have a lot of time, but I wanted to get back to you.</p><p></p><p>First, I do not think it has to involve waiting. It is about finding your own center and filling that. And letting other people (our kids) be who they are. This is why this forum exists (for me). Because this is so hard for mothers to do with their adult kids. And we need each other to do it.</p><p>Well. I started a thread yesterday about exactly this. Micro-managing. I try to micro-manage my son. You, it seems, micro-manage yourself. Believing that you through your responses, your stress, you can control the result. (Believe me, I relate and empathize.) The thing is: it will not work.</p><p></p><p>Only she controls herself.</p><p></p><p>Your job, here, is to get yourself and your life back. Right now she has colonized your mind. And you are a willing participant. Stop. Find yourself again. In you. This minute you can get your center back.</p><p>What did they tell you?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I would stop with all the texting back and forth. By participating with her, you are only contributing to, creating your own misery. She is unreliable and ambivalent right now and consciously or unconsciously she is trying to make you feel the confusion and powerlessness and indecision she feels, to get the problem out of her own head. Stop playing her game. If you have to turn off or hide your phone, do it!</p><p></p><p>Look. Let me be frank here. She could stay with this guy. She could marry him. She could have children with him. This may not be over in 2 days or 2 months. Do you want to keep living like this? Can you? Does your health or energy level permit it? Does your husband's?</p><p></p><p>Is this kind of agony and alienation from yourself what you choose for you? I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>First, I would turn off my phone. Second, I would go sit outside (if warm enough) or walk downtown for a cup of coffee or tea and just sit. I would have as the express goal, to say hello to YOU. Independent of her. You will feel better. You have abdicated your center; you have done this yourself (to yourself)...to this issue with her and the (horrible) man. Be with yourself today. For 45 minutes. If there is time I would think about and write down and commit to a few specific activities this week that will nourish you and will help you reconnect to your best friend: you.</p><p></p><p>By that I mean doing specific things or being with specific people (not her or your other daughter) that center you.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday was my birthday. Most of the day was rotten, because I was obsessed with my son. I took a walk about 6:30pm. And I loved it. Every single second of it. That is what I mean. Try to live this week from this place.</p><p></p><p>Try this week to let HER do her thing. She is using you and she is playing you. I am mad at her. She needs to learn to protect YOU. Of course this will only come when she can know her own needs and protect herself. But the thing is this: you know YOUR own needs. And you know how to protect yourself. Do it. Do not engage with her in this THEATER of the absurd.</p><p></p><p>That is what I really think. I did not think it last week, but I do now. She is lost right now. She is the one who needs to find herself. You cannot do it. You can only find you.</p><p></p><p>She will be OK. (And so will you.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709653, member: 18958"] I do not have a lot of time, but I wanted to get back to you. First, I do not think it has to involve waiting. It is about finding your own center and filling that. And letting other people (our kids) be who they are. This is why this forum exists (for me). Because this is so hard for mothers to do with their adult kids. And we need each other to do it. Well. I started a thread yesterday about exactly this. Micro-managing. I try to micro-manage my son. You, it seems, micro-manage yourself. Believing that you through your responses, your stress, you can control the result. (Believe me, I relate and empathize.) The thing is: it will not work. Only she controls herself. Your job, here, is to get yourself and your life back. Right now she has colonized your mind. And you are a willing participant. Stop. Find yourself again. In you. This minute you can get your center back. What did they tell you? I would stop with all the texting back and forth. By participating with her, you are only contributing to, creating your own misery. She is unreliable and ambivalent right now and consciously or unconsciously she is trying to make you feel the confusion and powerlessness and indecision she feels, to get the problem out of her own head. Stop playing her game. If you have to turn off or hide your phone, do it! Look. Let me be frank here. She could stay with this guy. She could marry him. She could have children with him. This may not be over in 2 days or 2 months. Do you want to keep living like this? Can you? Does your health or energy level permit it? Does your husband's? Is this kind of agony and alienation from yourself what you choose for you? I don't think so. First, I would turn off my phone. Second, I would go sit outside (if warm enough) or walk downtown for a cup of coffee or tea and just sit. I would have as the express goal, to say hello to YOU. Independent of her. You will feel better. You have abdicated your center; you have done this yourself (to yourself)...to this issue with her and the (horrible) man. Be with yourself today. For 45 minutes. If there is time I would think about and write down and commit to a few specific activities this week that will nourish you and will help you reconnect to your best friend: you. By that I mean doing specific things or being with specific people (not her or your other daughter) that center you. Yesterday was my birthday. Most of the day was rotten, because I was obsessed with my son. I took a walk about 6:30pm. And I loved it. Every single second of it. That is what I mean. Try to live this week from this place. Try this week to let HER do her thing. She is using you and she is playing you. I am mad at her. She needs to learn to protect YOU. Of course this will only come when she can know her own needs and protect herself. But the thing is this: you know YOUR own needs. And you know how to protect yourself. Do it. Do not engage with her in this THEATER of the absurd. That is what I really think. I did not think it last week, but I do now. She is lost right now. She is the one who needs to find herself. You cannot do it. You can only find you. She will be OK. (And so will you.) [/QUOTE]
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Now that I kicked my 18 year old daughter out, where do I go from here?
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