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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764019" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Overit</p><p>Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to, yet here we are. I am so sorry for your struggles with your son. It’s extra hard with grandchildren in the mix.</p><p></p><p>This is a tough one. The elephant in the room is that your son is 34, an adult. We don’t have any control over what our adult children do, but we can set boundaries for ourselves.</p><p>Pressing charges- that is up to you. I understand your concern.</p><p>Setting boundaries is especially hard with a grandchild in the midst of the mess. But, if you don’t put your foot down one way or the other, what is, will continue.</p><p>I think it’s especially difficult for parents when kids go wayward and we work to rein them in while they are growing up. We become extra focused on trying to steer them down the right path. It’s hard to let go and let God. You see them struggling as adults, making bad choices, it becomes a not so “merry” go round of the same old thing cycling again and again. It’s exhausting, dizzying and yes, we go numb with the pain of it. But, numbing ourselves is a way of not dealing with the real issue, that is, how do we live our lives continuously being mistreated by our adult children, whom we love? Maya Angelo said “When people show you who they are, believe them.”</p><p>You do have choices here, and none of them will be easy. The most important step in dealing with wayward adult children is to work hard at switching focus back to loving yourself. We get so entangled with their behavior and lifestyle that we put ourselves on the back burner. Learning how to love yourself is not selfish, it’s essential. It helps us to work on healthy boundaries and stop the madness within ourselves. We would not allow a stranger or friend to mistreat us, why do we continue to accept bad behavior, from our adult children?</p><p>There is a good article on detachment on the top of the PE forum page. It helps to read it and understand the mechanics of how deeply involved and enmeshed we can get with our adult children’s choices.</p><p>As far as telling your grandson his father is a thief and a liar. You don’t have to tell him anything. He will be able to figure things out for himself eventually, if his father continues down this path. </p><p>I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. My hubs and I dealt with similar issues with two of our wayward daughters and grandchildren involved. Unfortunately, the lies and stealing were drug related, and the grandkids grew up watching both parents go down the wrong road. We tried desperately to “help”. CPS became involved, it was a nightmare. The grandkids became pawns in the “game” of it and years flew by living this cycle. So, I know how hard it is, Overit. I had to wake up from my numbness and entanglement when I found my son, then 14, sobbing uncontrollably asking me why we “allow people to live with us we can’t trust.” I had to take a good hard look at what we had put up with. That’s how I found this site. It helped tremendously to be able to write down what we lived through and get responses from folks who were going through the same pain. I wish I could tell you that my two daughters are doing well, they are not. But, I had to learn to let go, because they will do as they wish. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, I do, it means I had to let go of my enmeshment, my desire to “fix” them. I have no control over their choices. It’s not easy, it takes daily practice and prayer not to be an emotional mess. But, my life has value. Your life has value, beyond the choices your adult son makes. I believe by taking the step to learn how to love ourselves and set healthy boundaries we are showing our adult children with our actions how to love themselves. That’s really what we want for them, to value themselves enough to make better choices. The only control we have over that, is to start with ourselves. Show them, one step at a time.</p><p>You are so worth the effort.</p><p>Much love and (((hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764019, member: 19522"] Hi Overit Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to, yet here we are. I am so sorry for your struggles with your son. It’s extra hard with grandchildren in the mix. This is a tough one. The elephant in the room is that your son is 34, an adult. We don’t have any control over what our adult children do, but we can set boundaries for ourselves. Pressing charges- that is up to you. I understand your concern. Setting boundaries is especially hard with a grandchild in the midst of the mess. But, if you don’t put your foot down one way or the other, what is, will continue. I think it’s especially difficult for parents when kids go wayward and we work to rein them in while they are growing up. We become extra focused on trying to steer them down the right path. It’s hard to let go and let God. You see them struggling as adults, making bad choices, it becomes a not so “merry” go round of the same old thing cycling again and again. It’s exhausting, dizzying and yes, we go numb with the pain of it. But, numbing ourselves is a way of not dealing with the real issue, that is, how do we live our lives continuously being mistreated by our adult children, whom we love? Maya Angelo said “When people show you who they are, believe them.” You do have choices here, and none of them will be easy. The most important step in dealing with wayward adult children is to work hard at switching focus back to loving yourself. We get so entangled with their behavior and lifestyle that we put ourselves on the back burner. Learning how to love yourself is not selfish, it’s essential. It helps us to work on healthy boundaries and stop the madness within ourselves. We would not allow a stranger or friend to mistreat us, why do we continue to accept bad behavior, from our adult children? There is a good article on detachment on the top of the PE forum page. It helps to read it and understand the mechanics of how deeply involved and enmeshed we can get with our adult children’s choices. As far as telling your grandson his father is a thief and a liar. You don’t have to tell him anything. He will be able to figure things out for himself eventually, if his father continues down this path. I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. My hubs and I dealt with similar issues with two of our wayward daughters and grandchildren involved. Unfortunately, the lies and stealing were drug related, and the grandkids grew up watching both parents go down the wrong road. We tried desperately to “help”. CPS became involved, it was a nightmare. The grandkids became pawns in the “game” of it and years flew by living this cycle. So, I know how hard it is, Overit. I had to wake up from my numbness and entanglement when I found my son, then 14, sobbing uncontrollably asking me why we “allow people to live with us we can’t trust.” I had to take a good hard look at what we had put up with. That’s how I found this site. It helped tremendously to be able to write down what we lived through and get responses from folks who were going through the same pain. I wish I could tell you that my two daughters are doing well, they are not. But, I had to learn to let go, because they will do as they wish. It doesn’t mean I don’t love them, I do, it means I had to let go of my enmeshment, my desire to “fix” them. I have no control over their choices. It’s not easy, it takes daily practice and prayer not to be an emotional mess. But, my life has value. Your life has value, beyond the choices your adult son makes. I believe by taking the step to learn how to love ourselves and set healthy boundaries we are showing our adult children with our actions how to love themselves. That’s really what we want for them, to value themselves enough to make better choices. The only control we have over that, is to start with ourselves. Show them, one step at a time. You are so worth the effort. Much love and (((hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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