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ODD son refuses treatment
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 754139" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I completely agree that Alanon would help you. Being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic really changes your entire worldview, and self-view. There are books about it that are also helpful. Ask if you want title recommendations - some of these books helped me greatly.</p><p></p><p>You need to get your son out of the house. When you are not around, he has other victims. It isn't fair to your other kids to have to suffer and to see their mom so beat down and abused. Go to a domestic violence agency and push until they work with you. As a parent abused by a child, many places still don't have full programs due to the stigma that keeps us parents from seeking help. They CAN and SHOULD develop a program for you if they don't have one for parents abused by kids. I know it is possible because my small town's DV agency did this for me. My son abused me, mostly because I was the wall that kept him from abusing his little sister. If I just stayed out of the way, he probably would have killed his little sister. </p><p></p><p>The last time he abused me, he threw me across the room into the bar that divided our kitchen and living room. Literally picked me up and threw me. He never spent another night in our home. My husband was NOT terribly supportive at the time. He backed me up because that is our dynamic - if I was really adamant he would always back me up in public, though we often had heated discussions about things in private. It wasn't until we were getting ready for court 3 days later that he realized how bad things were. The bruises had finally showed on my skin (it takes a few days with me) and he saw them on my back. He was astounded - how was I even walking around with that level of bruising on my spine? What I didn't tell my son was that when I finally got an MRI on my back, one vertebrae was chipped from being thrown into the bar. I won't ever tell my son about it. He has changed dramatically and now would feel so bad it would send him into a depression that might end in suicide. I won't have that. He was sick and he had gotten better. At the time we thought my son was ASPD. He had many of the diagnosis that your son has.</p><p></p><p>I had pretty much told my husband that he either backed me up with sending our son elsewhere to live or he went with our son. Period. The risks for all of us were way to high. What will your husband do when your son finally lashes out and seriously hurts you? How will he look for refusing to get treatment for his son at that point? Not just psychiatric help, actual residential help? If nothing else, your son needs to leave so that you and your other kids can live a life without fear. My son first went to a Youth Shelter. He couldn't follow their rules, so he was kicked out with no notice - just a call to "come pick up your son". I refused. My dad had just retired from teaching junior high, so my son went to my parents (2 miles from our home). We were lucky to have my parents there and willing. He ended up staying there. I arranged for him to go to a Boy's Home that is excellent, but my dad really wanted a chance to help his grandson. So my son stayed with them. I honestly think it worked to turn my son around not because my parents are magic, but because my dad would be given an Asperger's diagnosis if he was ever evaluated. Teaching junior high for almost 40 years was just a plus. He had all the tough kids, the delinquents, so he was equipped to deal with my son. My mom drew a few lines in the sand for him, and he learned not to piss her off pretty fast. Before that she was just Grandma who bought him things. He didn't realize that she would wait until he was sleeping and bring the Wrath of Grandma down on him if he threatened her. </p><p></p><p>I understand how it is when your husband is gone during the hours your son is home and awake. Your husband cannot see what your son does to you. Get some video cameras and set them up while your son is not home. Then make your husband watch and listen to them. Ask him what he would tell a parent he met while on patrol if the parent had a child who treated them like this? Tell him that it either gets better or you are gone. Not necessarily divorcing him, but out of the household at least with the younger kids. He can deal with the teenagers on his own like you are doing now. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry that you are going through this. Alanon could be a big help to you. So could calling around to get a Boy's Home placement for your son. And video cameras to document why you need this and to show your husband what is really going on!</p><p></p><p>One POWERFUL tool you can use from here is the Parent Report. It tells ALL about your child, good and bad, and helps you keep all the records and notes organized so that you can handle appointments, therapy, whatever in an efficient manner. The link in my signature will take you to the thread on the Parent Report. It really is worth the time. And maybe seeing what all your son has done in print will help wake up your husband to the reality that you live in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 754139, member: 1233"] I completely agree that Alanon would help you. Being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic really changes your entire worldview, and self-view. There are books about it that are also helpful. Ask if you want title recommendations - some of these books helped me greatly. You need to get your son out of the house. When you are not around, he has other victims. It isn't fair to your other kids to have to suffer and to see their mom so beat down and abused. Go to a domestic violence agency and push until they work with you. As a parent abused by a child, many places still don't have full programs due to the stigma that keeps us parents from seeking help. They CAN and SHOULD develop a program for you if they don't have one for parents abused by kids. I know it is possible because my small town's DV agency did this for me. My son abused me, mostly because I was the wall that kept him from abusing his little sister. If I just stayed out of the way, he probably would have killed his little sister. The last time he abused me, he threw me across the room into the bar that divided our kitchen and living room. Literally picked me up and threw me. He never spent another night in our home. My husband was NOT terribly supportive at the time. He backed me up because that is our dynamic - if I was really adamant he would always back me up in public, though we often had heated discussions about things in private. It wasn't until we were getting ready for court 3 days later that he realized how bad things were. The bruises had finally showed on my skin (it takes a few days with me) and he saw them on my back. He was astounded - how was I even walking around with that level of bruising on my spine? What I didn't tell my son was that when I finally got an MRI on my back, one vertebrae was chipped from being thrown into the bar. I won't ever tell my son about it. He has changed dramatically and now would feel so bad it would send him into a depression that might end in suicide. I won't have that. He was sick and he had gotten better. At the time we thought my son was ASPD. He had many of the diagnosis that your son has. I had pretty much told my husband that he either backed me up with sending our son elsewhere to live or he went with our son. Period. The risks for all of us were way to high. What will your husband do when your son finally lashes out and seriously hurts you? How will he look for refusing to get treatment for his son at that point? Not just psychiatric help, actual residential help? If nothing else, your son needs to leave so that you and your other kids can live a life without fear. My son first went to a Youth Shelter. He couldn't follow their rules, so he was kicked out with no notice - just a call to "come pick up your son". I refused. My dad had just retired from teaching junior high, so my son went to my parents (2 miles from our home). We were lucky to have my parents there and willing. He ended up staying there. I arranged for him to go to a Boy's Home that is excellent, but my dad really wanted a chance to help his grandson. So my son stayed with them. I honestly think it worked to turn my son around not because my parents are magic, but because my dad would be given an Asperger's diagnosis if he was ever evaluated. Teaching junior high for almost 40 years was just a plus. He had all the tough kids, the delinquents, so he was equipped to deal with my son. My mom drew a few lines in the sand for him, and he learned not to piss her off pretty fast. Before that she was just Grandma who bought him things. He didn't realize that she would wait until he was sleeping and bring the Wrath of Grandma down on him if he threatened her. I understand how it is when your husband is gone during the hours your son is home and awake. Your husband cannot see what your son does to you. Get some video cameras and set them up while your son is not home. Then make your husband watch and listen to them. Ask him what he would tell a parent he met while on patrol if the parent had a child who treated them like this? Tell him that it either gets better or you are gone. Not necessarily divorcing him, but out of the household at least with the younger kids. He can deal with the teenagers on his own like you are doing now. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Alanon could be a big help to you. So could calling around to get a Boy's Home placement for your son. And video cameras to document why you need this and to show your husband what is really going on! One POWERFUL tool you can use from here is the Parent Report. It tells ALL about your child, good and bad, and helps you keep all the records and notes organized so that you can handle appointments, therapy, whatever in an efficient manner. The link in my signature will take you to the thread on the Parent Report. It really is worth the time. And maybe seeing what all your son has done in print will help wake up your husband to the reality that you live in. [/QUOTE]
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