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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709279" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think your husband's solution was perfect:</p><p>It is a punishment that really fits the crime, so to speak.</p><p></p><p>The part of this I want to ask you about, talk about is this: We all know how wrapped up I got with my son and how much it costs me.</p><p></p><p>I am not going to do a new thread, but I am going to (sorry) piggyback on the latest developments with you to address indirectly where I am because I think I am in a similar place.</p><p></p><p>Last week I told my son to leave. To leave here and to leave the other property I control. M took him there to get his stuff. But it turns out M couldn't stand the idea of him homeless. The two of them have been dealing with the situation with me out of it.</p><p></p><p>I did not know right away that my son remained in the other house. During that interval I regressed. I went back to bed. I got physically ill. And I began feeling as if I wanted to die. (I do not need to hear from people what I need to do. I know.)</p><p></p><p>So when I realized my son was safe, and that I was out of it, little by little, I began to feel better leave the house, with a zest (little bit) for life again.</p><p> And last night I told M: <em>I do not want to see my son. I do not want to speak with him. As far as I am concerned this is a permanent state of mind.</em></p><p></p><p>I had begun to feel as if my life depended upon it.</p><p></p><p>And M responded: <em>I think you are right. You have to put above everything your own state of mind. If you feel J, what he does or does not do, has such an influence up to and including your desire to live--you have to insulate yourself from him.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Keep everything business-like and calm, and put as your overarching objective, your own tranquility and peace of mind.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Let him solve his own situations. Let's let him live the way he wants to, except for the basic obligations that he owes us. Like rent.</em> (We did not spell out the rest.)</p><p></p><p>I have come to see that our wanting and our trying empowers my son. In the wrong way. It gives him a means to control us. It over-inflates his sense of self-importance, and not in a good way.</p><p></p><p>My son has been flailing around trying to do things to impress us, but not in a sustained way. One thing he did do was to begin taking the antivirals for his liver.</p><p></p><p>Except this changes everything. Because if I put him out, he will stop the antivirals or lose them (they are more than $1000 a month, which is neither here nor there) and stopping the antivirals in itself is bad for his health. The virus boomerangs. </p><p></p><p>What M said to me is is: <em>Let's accept the way it is. Let's not ask for everything all at once. Let's allow him the stability of the apartment and let's see what he does with it, or not, of his own accord. You stay out of it, because you are making yourself sick. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And then I saw your new thread and it felt like an affirmation. A message to me.</p><p></p><p>That when our children are making us sick or sick at heart, that our hearts matter. Our bodies matter. That we cannot overrule this sense of recoil, of fatigue, of despair. We cannot raise them above our heads, over our now exhausted bodies and minds, indefinitely.</p><p></p><p>I know this sounds dramatic because it is.</p><p></p><p>I think you and your husband are doing things exactly right. That rent money is leverage. I wish I had something similar. I do not, that I am aware of.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709279, member: 18958"] I think your husband's solution was perfect: It is a punishment that really fits the crime, so to speak. The part of this I want to ask you about, talk about is this: We all know how wrapped up I got with my son and how much it costs me. I am not going to do a new thread, but I am going to (sorry) piggyback on the latest developments with you to address indirectly where I am because I think I am in a similar place. Last week I told my son to leave. To leave here and to leave the other property I control. M took him there to get his stuff. But it turns out M couldn't stand the idea of him homeless. The two of them have been dealing with the situation with me out of it. I did not know right away that my son remained in the other house. During that interval I regressed. I went back to bed. I got physically ill. And I began feeling as if I wanted to die. (I do not need to hear from people what I need to do. I know.) So when I realized my son was safe, and that I was out of it, little by little, I began to feel better leave the house, with a zest (little bit) for life again. And last night I told M: [I]I do not want to see my son. I do not want to speak with him. As far as I am concerned this is a permanent state of mind.[/I] I had begun to feel as if my life depended upon it. And M responded: [I]I think you are right. You have to put above everything your own state of mind. If you feel J, what he does or does not do, has such an influence up to and including your desire to live--you have to insulate yourself from him.[/I] [I]Keep everything business-like and calm, and put as your overarching objective, your own tranquility and peace of mind.[/I] [I]Let him solve his own situations. Let's let him live the way he wants to, except for the basic obligations that he owes us. Like rent.[/I] (We did not spell out the rest.) I have come to see that our wanting and our trying empowers my son. In the wrong way. It gives him a means to control us. It over-inflates his sense of self-importance, and not in a good way. My son has been flailing around trying to do things to impress us, but not in a sustained way. One thing he did do was to begin taking the antivirals for his liver. Except this changes everything. Because if I put him out, he will stop the antivirals or lose them (they are more than $1000 a month, which is neither here nor there) and stopping the antivirals in itself is bad for his health. The virus boomerangs. What M said to me is is: [I]Let's accept the way it is. Let's not ask for everything all at once. Let's allow him the stability of the apartment and let's see what he does with it, or not, of his own accord. You stay out of it, because you are making yourself sick. [/I] And then I saw your new thread and it felt like an affirmation. A message to me. That when our children are making us sick or sick at heart, that our hearts matter. Our bodies matter. That we cannot overrule this sense of recoil, of fatigue, of despair. We cannot raise them above our heads, over our now exhausted bodies and minds, indefinitely. I know this sounds dramatic because it is. I think you and your husband are doing things exactly right. That rent money is leverage. I wish I had something similar. I do not, that I am aware of. [/QUOTE]
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