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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709291" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I tend not to think in diagnostic terms. I think more in terms of good and evil. I do not know why. I am not formally religious.</p><p></p><p>I had found myself thinking the last couple of days, this completely illogical and disturbing thing: <em>If my son were not so foolish he would be evil. </em>And I realized that my son is toxic to me. That his constant lying and deception and externalizing responsibility I could not tolerate, to the extent that I was eating myself up alive. That I cannot care more than he does. In fact I care 1000x more than he does.</p><p></p><p>That this became IMPOSSIBLE for me NOT to see.</p><p></p><p>I really think what our sons do is compartmentalize. And they seem to serve masters (addiction) that have nearly completely derailed what we have taught them, modeled for them.</p><p></p><p>So when I post here that I feel I must stand up for the right thing for my son, to stand up and to model how it is to be a responsible adult, when I feel this--it is to be like I am a statue in the park of some old explorer or monarch. And I get spit on. And the birds go to the bathroom on me. I am like nothing. Like an old dead thing. Which is how we feel, M and I. We feel my son thinks of us as old fools.</p><p></p><p>And so if I look at the reality of this, I realize that I keep going back, return to an impossibly impossible situation--that the modeling in my life I have to take seriously--are my actions towards myself. That in trying to be that to my son, I abandoned myself. I betray myself.</p><p></p><p>There is an enormous hypocrisy in self-sacrifice to save somebody else, who feels, thank you very much you old fool.</p><p></p><p>I am my own old fool. Thank you very much. I like me. Let me go about taking care of myself. Screw you. That is where I am right now. I kind of like the honesty and simplicity of it. Do I sound mad? No. I am fed up. With myself. I have been too involved in another adult's life--and I am realizing I do not much like him. Thank you very much. That's the truth.</p><p>My son loves me. He shows me kindnesses. He is NOT a bad person. But the thing is: it is a bad thing to lie, to deceive, to manipulate. Indolence and indifference to consequences is WRONG.</p><p></p><p>But what does a statue in the park of some virtuous dead person represent? A place to pee. I will not be anymore a dead statue for my son to pee on. I will not stand around dead anymore...or close to it. I chose this impossible park. For this stupid statue. I am gone.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry to be so descriptive, but this is the reality of my life. I am so done with this. This is so over for me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you RN.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709291, member: 18958"] I tend not to think in diagnostic terms. I think more in terms of good and evil. I do not know why. I am not formally religious. I had found myself thinking the last couple of days, this completely illogical and disturbing thing: [I]If my son were not so foolish he would be evil. [/I]And I realized that my son is toxic to me. That his constant lying and deception and externalizing responsibility I could not tolerate, to the extent that I was eating myself up alive. That I cannot care more than he does. In fact I care 1000x more than he does. That this became IMPOSSIBLE for me NOT to see. I really think what our sons do is compartmentalize. And they seem to serve masters (addiction) that have nearly completely derailed what we have taught them, modeled for them. So when I post here that I feel I must stand up for the right thing for my son, to stand up and to model how it is to be a responsible adult, when I feel this--it is to be like I am a statue in the park of some old explorer or monarch. And I get spit on. And the birds go to the bathroom on me. I am like nothing. Like an old dead thing. Which is how we feel, M and I. We feel my son thinks of us as old fools. And so if I look at the reality of this, I realize that I keep going back, return to an impossibly impossible situation--that the modeling in my life I have to take seriously--are my actions towards myself. That in trying to be that to my son, I abandoned myself. I betray myself. There is an enormous hypocrisy in self-sacrifice to save somebody else, who feels, thank you very much you old fool. I am my own old fool. Thank you very much. I like me. Let me go about taking care of myself. Screw you. That is where I am right now. I kind of like the honesty and simplicity of it. Do I sound mad? No. I am fed up. With myself. I have been too involved in another adult's life--and I am realizing I do not much like him. Thank you very much. That's the truth. My son loves me. He shows me kindnesses. He is NOT a bad person. But the thing is: it is a bad thing to lie, to deceive, to manipulate. Indolence and indifference to consequences is WRONG. But what does a statue in the park of some virtuous dead person represent? A place to pee. I will not be anymore a dead statue for my son to pee on. I will not stand around dead anymore...or close to it. I chose this impossible park. For this stupid statue. I am gone. I am sorry to be so descriptive, but this is the reality of my life. I am so done with this. This is so over for me. Thank you RN. [/QUOTE]
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