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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 746932" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Hello Acacia,</p><p>Just a few short thoughts. – I don’t have an answer to your big question : “ <em>Does it have to be all or none</em>?”</p><p></p><p>Basically, for myself I have found that the less involvement I have with my son’s needs, the better it is for everyone !</p><p>I don’t want to be so available and willing.</p><p></p><p>When my son asks me for help, he can see that I hesitate and struggle to resist. I can see that my reactions hurt him in a way, and it hurts me also. While he understands my unease because of all the “ trials with him” that we've been through, he thinks he is doing better (and is to a small extent) and wants me to think I can trust him. ( But the truth is , I can not trust him, and he is still suspicious and irresponsible (and likely illegal) in many behaviors ) Like you …. I've spent too much money and effort over the years “<em>helping him at the slightest glimmer or hope</em>” and then it backfires!</p><p></p><p>You have already committed to assisting your son tomorrow, but you might start to show him you are busy with your life and have other things to attend to. I don’t know your location and situation, but for example:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">You can mention to him tomorrow that you are able to assist in this small way today to bring him a few things since you were going to be in the area anyway, but you are pressed for time.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Perhaps concoct a story that you can drop him off at the grocery store while you go to do an errand and will come back in 20 -30 mins, so you <em>do not go</em> <em>into the store with him. ( That might not work if he expects you to pay for his things / or were you going to?</em> ) ...</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">*** Or you could let him know the plans need to change as something has come up and you cannot bring his things and go to the store tomorrow. It will have to wait a few days. (<em>Then maybe he will find another way to get his things and get to the store. If he really needs something, he will find a way.</em> )</li> </ul><p> I agree. Your detachment and unavailability likely played a big part in his action(s) to initiate a solution on his own.</p><p></p><p>The reality is that it does not get better until we step out of the game, and don't carry the ball on the next play.</p><p></p><p>I'm following your story. Hang in there. Like them, we keep learning the same lessons until we get it !!</p><p>Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 746932, member: 19617"] Hello Acacia, Just a few short thoughts. – I don’t have an answer to your big question : “ [I]Does it have to be all or none[/I]?” Basically, for myself I have found that the less involvement I have with my son’s needs, the better it is for everyone ! I don’t want to be so available and willing. When my son asks me for help, he can see that I hesitate and struggle to resist. I can see that my reactions hurt him in a way, and it hurts me also. While he understands my unease because of all the “ trials with him” that we've been through, he thinks he is doing better (and is to a small extent) and wants me to think I can trust him. ( But the truth is , I can not trust him, and he is still suspicious and irresponsible (and likely illegal) in many behaviors ) Like you …. I've spent too much money and effort over the years “[I]helping him at the slightest glimmer or hope[/I]” and then it backfires! You have already committed to assisting your son tomorrow, but you might start to show him you are busy with your life and have other things to attend to. I don’t know your location and situation, but for example: [LIST] [*]You can mention to him tomorrow that you are able to assist in this small way today to bring him a few things since you were going to be in the area anyway, but you are pressed for time. [*]Perhaps concoct a story that you can drop him off at the grocery store while you go to do an errand and will come back in 20 -30 mins, so you [I]do not go[/I] [I]into the store with him. ( That might not work if he expects you to pay for his things / or were you going to?[/I] ) ... [*]*** Or you could let him know the plans need to change as something has come up and you cannot bring his things and go to the store tomorrow. It will have to wait a few days. ([I]Then maybe he will find another way to get his things and get to the store. If he really needs something, he will find a way.[/I] ) [/LIST] I agree. Your detachment and unavailability likely played a big part in his action(s) to initiate a solution on his own. The reality is that it does not get better until we step out of the game, and don't carry the ball on the next play. I'm following your story. Hang in there. Like them, we keep learning the same lessons until we get it !! Take care. [/QUOTE]
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