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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 746938" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Acacia, I'm sorry you find yourself struggling with your son's choices.</p><p></p><p>Does it have to be all or none? I don't believe it has to be, however, at least in my case, my daughter does not have the foresight nor insight nor ability to navigate the future, she lives in the present moment, so for me, it got to a point where I felt forced to choose between spending my life figuring out my daughters future (which was a full time, horrific job) or removing myself from that equation. I chose the latter. </p><p></p><p>It is not easy to set strong boundaries around our kids behaviors and stick to those boundaries, however, like your son, my daughter had no respect for any boundaries I put forth, her needs always overrode my boundaries, it's the way she thought, like your son.....his needs are paramount, your needs don't matter. I got to a point where that just didn't work anymore. I required major professional assistance to stop that program........I entered a two year long codependency course which offered weekly support groups and private therapy.......I went to weekly CoDa 12 step groups, I wrote on this forum every day and read books continually, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I was determined to have a life in spite of my daughters actions and choices.</p><p></p><p>I've said this many times here, but I believe it becomes necessary to have professional help for many of us.....breaking the strong bond of mothering an adult child who doesn't launch for whatever reason is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things in life to do......for me it required a level of acceptance of what I cannot control that was not possible for me to reach without a lot of help. I had to reach the point where I knew in my heart that I could not save my daughter. At times that looked impossible to reach......and there are times I still struggle with it, but for the most part, I've accepted what I can't change. I'm glad you have a therapist. </p><p></p><p>Step by step I stopped, it didn't happen overnight. I kept saying no and sticking to it. Each time I was very upset, but each time I received the (professional) support I needed to let go of my part in the drama, which was to give in to each request and override my own boundaries. Every time I overrode my own boundaries I felt crummy about myself because I had abandoned myself. Each time I said no and stuck to it, I began to feel better. My daughter pushed all the envelopes, it went on for awhile until I gathered the strength to hold my own boundaries. Eventually she stopped seeing me as the default position and stopped asking me to do for her what she can do for herself. I had to do ALL of the changing. I stopped waiting for my daughter to change. I assumed a different stance, that she was not going to change and that she was capable of taking care of herself. She doesn't ask me for anything now and she seems completely capable of caring for herself in the way she deems important. I am not in favor of the way she chooses to live, but I have accepted that it's her choice to live that way and she's accepted that I am not responsible for how she has chosen to live. </p><p></p><p>Its been one very long road. I think the main proponent of letting go is to determine that your life is worth making the changes necessary so the quality of YOUR life improves. I believe the second proponent is to get as much help as you can to learn how to love yourself enough to set those boundaries and stick with them........for your sake of course, but also for your son's sake. When we treat our kids as if they are not capable of taking care of themselves, in my opinion, that strengthens the victim stance they can take and their own belief that they cannot survive without our help. My daughter grew up a lot when I stopped seeing her as not capable, she began seeing herself differently. She's still who she is, but there's a new strength and resolve behind it. She has taken the reins of her own life now.</p><p></p><p>Kalahou said it best I think.........</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Hang in there Acacia, it doesn't sound like you want to continue this for another 15 years.......the requests will stop when you stop meeting them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 746938, member: 13542"] Acacia, I'm sorry you find yourself struggling with your son's choices. Does it have to be all or none? I don't believe it has to be, however, at least in my case, my daughter does not have the foresight nor insight nor ability to navigate the future, she lives in the present moment, so for me, it got to a point where I felt forced to choose between spending my life figuring out my daughters future (which was a full time, horrific job) or removing myself from that equation. I chose the latter. It is not easy to set strong boundaries around our kids behaviors and stick to those boundaries, however, like your son, my daughter had no respect for any boundaries I put forth, her needs always overrode my boundaries, it's the way she thought, like your son.....his needs are paramount, your needs don't matter. I got to a point where that just didn't work anymore. I required major professional assistance to stop that program........I entered a two year long codependency course which offered weekly support groups and private therapy.......I went to weekly CoDa 12 step groups, I wrote on this forum every day and read books continually, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I was determined to have a life in spite of my daughters actions and choices. I've said this many times here, but I believe it becomes necessary to have professional help for many of us.....breaking the strong bond of mothering an adult child who doesn't launch for whatever reason is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things in life to do......for me it required a level of acceptance of what I cannot control that was not possible for me to reach without a lot of help. I had to reach the point where I knew in my heart that I could not save my daughter. At times that looked impossible to reach......and there are times I still struggle with it, but for the most part, I've accepted what I can't change. I'm glad you have a therapist. Step by step I stopped, it didn't happen overnight. I kept saying no and sticking to it. Each time I was very upset, but each time I received the (professional) support I needed to let go of my part in the drama, which was to give in to each request and override my own boundaries. Every time I overrode my own boundaries I felt crummy about myself because I had abandoned myself. Each time I said no and stuck to it, I began to feel better. My daughter pushed all the envelopes, it went on for awhile until I gathered the strength to hold my own boundaries. Eventually she stopped seeing me as the default position and stopped asking me to do for her what she can do for herself. I had to do ALL of the changing. I stopped waiting for my daughter to change. I assumed a different stance, that she was not going to change and that she was capable of taking care of herself. She doesn't ask me for anything now and she seems completely capable of caring for herself in the way she deems important. I am not in favor of the way she chooses to live, but I have accepted that it's her choice to live that way and she's accepted that I am not responsible for how she has chosen to live. Its been one very long road. I think the main proponent of letting go is to determine that your life is worth making the changes necessary so the quality of YOUR life improves. I believe the second proponent is to get as much help as you can to learn how to love yourself enough to set those boundaries and stick with them........for your sake of course, but also for your son's sake. When we treat our kids as if they are not capable of taking care of themselves, in my opinion, that strengthens the victim stance they can take and their own belief that they cannot survive without our help. My daughter grew up a lot when I stopped seeing her as not capable, she began seeing herself differently. She's still who she is, but there's a new strength and resolve behind it. She has taken the reins of her own life now. Kalahou said it best I think......... Hang in there Acacia, it doesn't sound like you want to continue this for another 15 years.......the requests will stop when you stop meeting them. [/QUOTE]
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