Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
opinions about no contact?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 746948" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Acacia, I am also a survivor of abuse so I know exactly what you are referring to with guilt and shame. One of the things I had to do was to take apart my definitions of mothering. Because of my background I had an overblown sense of responsibility in caring for others and an overblown sense of guilt and shame when I believed I could not live up to my own interpretation of mothering (which was impossible to reach). My daughter and probably everyone who knew me, knew I felt that way, so I was as one therapist said, "predictable." All anyone needed to do was to address my not meeting my own overblown sense of perfect mothering and I was triggered and hooked. </p><p></p><p>I learned in therapy and with the help of other parents in my support group, that there were ALWAYS other ways of responding......I just didn't know what they were. I had to be taught. I had to heal from my own childhood abuse enough to set strong boundaries around behavior that was disrespectful, unkind, lacking in compassion for myself, or making unrealistic requests of me for another's gain. I had to put compassion and kindness for myself as the guiding principal in my entire life, not just with my daughter. Making that turn into self love and self acceptance was the key for me changing with my daughter......I put a little more weight on my side, on what I wanted and what I needed and as I did that, I saw that no one died, the world didn't end ........... it gave me strength to continue. For those of us who did not learn healthy boundaries as a child and did not learn that we matter and that our needs are important and we are valuable.... trying to shift out of over giving, enabling, rescuing others and abandoning ourselves is extremely difficult. It is extremely difficult when we are healthy and have terrific boundaries, but it's devastating, overwhelming and causes immense suffering if we cannot put the focus on ourselves as the priority. </p><p></p><p>Mothering is fraught with unrealistic expectations.......often we can't live up to our own expectations. Look at your perceptions of motherhood and what your expectations of yourself are. Check in with your therapist to see if they are reasonable and fair to you. Dismantle your unhealthy and unrealistic beliefs around mothering and put the focus on YOUR needs and wants. Once that shift is made, the FOG lifts and you can see more clearly. Your options open up and you have more than one response. You can see the truth beyond the immediate needs of your son's choices and behaviors. You can make choices that are in alignment with YOUR best interests and YOUR well being........ and allow what happens to your son to be up to your son.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Acacia, you're seeing the truth now, just continue walking in that direction.....we're all here with you.......you're not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 746948, member: 13542"] Acacia, I am also a survivor of abuse so I know exactly what you are referring to with guilt and shame. One of the things I had to do was to take apart my definitions of mothering. Because of my background I had an overblown sense of responsibility in caring for others and an overblown sense of guilt and shame when I believed I could not live up to my own interpretation of mothering (which was impossible to reach). My daughter and probably everyone who knew me, knew I felt that way, so I was as one therapist said, "predictable." All anyone needed to do was to address my not meeting my own overblown sense of perfect mothering and I was triggered and hooked. I learned in therapy and with the help of other parents in my support group, that there were ALWAYS other ways of responding......I just didn't know what they were. I had to be taught. I had to heal from my own childhood abuse enough to set strong boundaries around behavior that was disrespectful, unkind, lacking in compassion for myself, or making unrealistic requests of me for another's gain. I had to put compassion and kindness for myself as the guiding principal in my entire life, not just with my daughter. Making that turn into self love and self acceptance was the key for me changing with my daughter......I put a little more weight on my side, on what I wanted and what I needed and as I did that, I saw that no one died, the world didn't end ........... it gave me strength to continue. For those of us who did not learn healthy boundaries as a child and did not learn that we matter and that our needs are important and we are valuable.... trying to shift out of over giving, enabling, rescuing others and abandoning ourselves is extremely difficult. It is extremely difficult when we are healthy and have terrific boundaries, but it's devastating, overwhelming and causes immense suffering if we cannot put the focus on ourselves as the priority. Mothering is fraught with unrealistic expectations.......often we can't live up to our own expectations. Look at your perceptions of motherhood and what your expectations of yourself are. Check in with your therapist to see if they are reasonable and fair to you. Dismantle your unhealthy and unrealistic beliefs around mothering and put the focus on YOUR needs and wants. Once that shift is made, the FOG lifts and you can see more clearly. Your options open up and you have more than one response. You can see the truth beyond the immediate needs of your son's choices and behaviors. You can make choices that are in alignment with YOUR best interests and YOUR well being........ and allow what happens to your son to be up to your son. Hang in there Acacia, you're seeing the truth now, just continue walking in that direction.....we're all here with you.......you're not alone. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
opinions about no contact?
Top