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opinions about no contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747509" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I didn't read all of it but this is a beautiful thread.</p><p>I did this too, for a shorter period. At first it was exhilarating and then I fell apart.</p><p></p><p>But you know what? I think my son is happier, stronger, and more centered since I pulled back. He had seemed to grow hostile and distant. And I thought harder. And I despaired. But I am seeing that what he is is more self-contained. More confident and stable. Whether he is <em>finally</em> growing up a little, I don't know. But hardball and pulling back seems to be a better approach. </p><p></p><p>I think our kids need to know that <em>we can stand alone. </em>And when we do. This reassures them that we won't fall apart if they stand on their own two feet. </p><p>I see this as your growing edge. It could be that the necessity to continually define your boundaries is a good thing for you, to develop the boundary muscle. I have learned that boundaries are not primarily for them, but for us...for us to learn where we stop, our edge, the edge of us. One of our problems (my) is that I seem to define myself in a mental space that includes my son. This is wrong. He's his own person, and so am I. If I see it this way the need to over and over again to make this critical distinction about where I am located, and where are my edges, is a critical learning opportunity so that i can locate myself in me, and define myself by healthy choices.</p><p></p><p>This whole forum, for me, is about my growth, our growth. Not theirs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747509, member: 18958"] I didn't read all of it but this is a beautiful thread. I did this too, for a shorter period. At first it was exhilarating and then I fell apart. But you know what? I think my son is happier, stronger, and more centered since I pulled back. He had seemed to grow hostile and distant. And I thought harder. And I despaired. But I am seeing that what he is is more self-contained. More confident and stable. Whether he is [I]finally[/I] growing up a little, I don't know. But hardball and pulling back seems to be a better approach. I think our kids need to know that [I]we can stand alone. [/I]And when we do. This reassures them that we won't fall apart if they stand on their own two feet.[I] [/I] I see this as your growing edge. It could be that the necessity to continually define your boundaries is a good thing for you, to develop the boundary muscle. I have learned that boundaries are not primarily for them, but for us...for us to learn where we stop, our edge, the edge of us. One of our problems (my) is that I seem to define myself in a mental space that includes my son. This is wrong. He's his own person, and so am I. If I see it this way the need to over and over again to make this critical distinction about where I am located, and where are my edges, is a critical learning opportunity so that i can locate myself in me, and define myself by healthy choices. This whole forum, for me, is about my growth, our growth. Not theirs. [/QUOTE]
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