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Other parents/friends of mine do not understand my child.... HELP PLZ
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 743994" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Perhaps don’t think of it as disciplining. Think of it as teaching. In my experience what will help most is being both very calm and kind and very explicit and direct. </p><p></p><p>Calm and kind because she’s already struggling with her own emotions, so you need to keep yours out of the equation as much as possible when she’s having a meltdown. And because, if she’s like me, she already has a highly developed shame reaction, and you don’t want to add to that shame. That will only make things worse. </p><p></p><p>But you need to be very clear and direct because she’s not going to read between the lines, pick up things by inference, or learn by example and modeling without a direct explanation. She needs to be told explicitly. Including things you may think of as basic. </p><p></p><p>In this case, I think she needs to apologize to the other girl, even if she doesn’t fully understand why what she did was wrong. Her reactions to things may always be a bit out of step with her peers. She needs to learn that if someone is hurt by your behavior, you need to apologize, even if you do not understand ‘why’ they are hurt. It doesn’t matter if your daughter had a very good (in her mind) reason for what she did, or if she would not have been hurt by similar behavior from a friend. What matters is that THIS girl is hurt, and when someone is hurting because of your actions you apologize and make it better. This is what she needs to understand. When I accepted that other people don’t respond to some things the same way that I do, but their own responses matter just as much to them as mine do to me, that helped a lot with human relationships. </p><p></p><p>I also don’t think there is anything wrong with quietly telling the other mother about her diagnosis, while also letting her know you are working with your daughter on her understanding and behavior. If it gains her a little more understanding and patience and another adult in her corner that’s a good thing. Perhaps this other mother can also be someone who can learn to be clear, direct and kind when your daughter needs correction or redirecting at her house. </p><p></p><p>I haven’t visited it for a while, but you might check out the website ‘Wrong Planet’. It was helpful for me when first diagnosed. By Aspies for Aspies (now rolled in with other high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) I’m the latest DSM - I’m still adjusting to that.)</p><p></p><p>It sounds like she may have some other learning disabilities holding her back as well. Keep pushing for accommodations from your school. She may need more than a 504. She may need a full IEP. In my experience schools want to get by with the minimum amount of services (or no services) most of the time. Don’t let them. Fight for what she needs. This is my number one regret with a couple of my children - that I took the school’s diagnosis and recommendation over what I knew in my heart my kids needed. </p><p></p><p>And don’t beat yourself for her ‘late diagnosis’. When I say I was a late diagnosis, I mean I was in my 30s and raising four kids. Learning this about myself put the whole rest of my life up to that point in focus, and helped me let go of a whole lot of shame and insecurity. </p><p></p><p>Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) wasn’t something anyone in my corner of the world ever heard of when I was growing up. I’m from a stoic rural family who took a ‘sink or swim’ approach to pretty much everything in life (including learning to swim - they used the throw-the-baby-in method). My ‘treatment’ consisted of being told to suck it up and stop being weird, going to church for the ‘laying on of hands’ to pray the devils away, and tying my hands to my sides with short strings so I wouldn’t flap my hands. They weren’t unkind, or they didn’t mean to be. They just didn’t know. I remember sending an article about Aspergers to my mother when I first heard of it and asking ‘do you think this could be me?’ And she just said ‘well isn’t that interesting. I suppose that could explain a lot.”</p><p></p><p>I’d say my experience had both pros and cons. On the plus side, since I wasn’t coddled I had to learn to fit in and probably developed a lot of skills I wouldn’t had if my parents had tried to shelter me more. On the minus side, I grew up feeling a lot of shame, and was in a lot of situations where I was hurt or taken advantage of because no one told me how to recognize danger signs in other people. </p><p></p><p>The best thing that ever happened to me in life was having a boss who took the time to teach me social things no one else realized I needed to have explicitly explained. How to shake someone’s hand, when and how long and how to recognize when someone else was ready to let go. How to look someone in the eye - enough to show interest and respect but not so steadily that it’s creepy. And if I couldn’t handle the direct eye contact try looking at their forehead instead. How to speak up at a meeting, and when not to. How to interact with the CEO. How to navigate the company Christmas party. He not only explicitly told me these things, but he PRACTICED them with me, until I got it. He never accepted that I ‘couldn’t’ do something, but he took the time to,show me how. He even made a public speaker out of me for a while, if you can believe it. I never got comfortable with that but I did it. I don’t know how he knew what I needed. His own kids are a bit younger than me and none of them are anywhere on the spectrum. I wasn’t even diagnosed yet. But somehow he knew the right balance between kind and explicit to help me be successful. We remained good friends long after we stopped working together, up until his death two years ago. But bless him, he changed my life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 743994, member: 23349"] Perhaps don’t think of it as disciplining. Think of it as teaching. In my experience what will help most is being both very calm and kind and very explicit and direct. Calm and kind because she’s already struggling with her own emotions, so you need to keep yours out of the equation as much as possible when she’s having a meltdown. And because, if she’s like me, she already has a highly developed shame reaction, and you don’t want to add to that shame. That will only make things worse. But you need to be very clear and direct because she’s not going to read between the lines, pick up things by inference, or learn by example and modeling without a direct explanation. She needs to be told explicitly. Including things you may think of as basic. In this case, I think she needs to apologize to the other girl, even if she doesn’t fully understand why what she did was wrong. Her reactions to things may always be a bit out of step with her peers. She needs to learn that if someone is hurt by your behavior, you need to apologize, even if you do not understand ‘why’ they are hurt. It doesn’t matter if your daughter had a very good (in her mind) reason for what she did, or if she would not have been hurt by similar behavior from a friend. What matters is that THIS girl is hurt, and when someone is hurting because of your actions you apologize and make it better. This is what she needs to understand. When I accepted that other people don’t respond to some things the same way that I do, but their own responses matter just as much to them as mine do to me, that helped a lot with human relationships. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with quietly telling the other mother about her diagnosis, while also letting her know you are working with your daughter on her understanding and behavior. If it gains her a little more understanding and patience and another adult in her corner that’s a good thing. Perhaps this other mother can also be someone who can learn to be clear, direct and kind when your daughter needs correction or redirecting at her house. I haven’t visited it for a while, but you might check out the website ‘Wrong Planet’. It was helpful for me when first diagnosed. By Aspies for Aspies (now rolled in with other high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) I’m the latest DSM - I’m still adjusting to that.) It sounds like she may have some other learning disabilities holding her back as well. Keep pushing for accommodations from your school. She may need more than a 504. She may need a full IEP. In my experience schools want to get by with the minimum amount of services (or no services) most of the time. Don’t let them. Fight for what she needs. This is my number one regret with a couple of my children - that I took the school’s diagnosis and recommendation over what I knew in my heart my kids needed. And don’t beat yourself for her ‘late diagnosis’. When I say I was a late diagnosis, I mean I was in my 30s and raising four kids. Learning this about myself put the whole rest of my life up to that point in focus, and helped me let go of a whole lot of shame and insecurity. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) wasn’t something anyone in my corner of the world ever heard of when I was growing up. I’m from a stoic rural family who took a ‘sink or swim’ approach to pretty much everything in life (including learning to swim - they used the throw-the-baby-in method). My ‘treatment’ consisted of being told to suck it up and stop being weird, going to church for the ‘laying on of hands’ to pray the devils away, and tying my hands to my sides with short strings so I wouldn’t flap my hands. They weren’t unkind, or they didn’t mean to be. They just didn’t know. I remember sending an article about Aspergers to my mother when I first heard of it and asking ‘do you think this could be me?’ And she just said ‘well isn’t that interesting. I suppose that could explain a lot.” I’d say my experience had both pros and cons. On the plus side, since I wasn’t coddled I had to learn to fit in and probably developed a lot of skills I wouldn’t had if my parents had tried to shelter me more. On the minus side, I grew up feeling a lot of shame, and was in a lot of situations where I was hurt or taken advantage of because no one told me how to recognize danger signs in other people. The best thing that ever happened to me in life was having a boss who took the time to teach me social things no one else realized I needed to have explicitly explained. How to shake someone’s hand, when and how long and how to recognize when someone else was ready to let go. How to look someone in the eye - enough to show interest and respect but not so steadily that it’s creepy. And if I couldn’t handle the direct eye contact try looking at their forehead instead. How to speak up at a meeting, and when not to. How to interact with the CEO. How to navigate the company Christmas party. He not only explicitly told me these things, but he PRACTICED them with me, until I got it. He never accepted that I ‘couldn’t’ do something, but he took the time to,show me how. He even made a public speaker out of me for a while, if you can believe it. I never got comfortable with that but I did it. I don’t know how he knew what I needed. His own kids are a bit younger than me and none of them are anywhere on the spectrum. I wasn’t even diagnosed yet. But somehow he knew the right balance between kind and explicit to help me be successful. We remained good friends long after we stopped working together, up until his death two years ago. But bless him, he changed my life. [/QUOTE]
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