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Family of Origin
Other people who are shunned and how it makes me feel
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 677364" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>It is sad.</p><p>I have had to do the same. I had no choice in the matter. Leafie, I am meeting a lot of new people because I refuse to let the accident ruin my life, even though I had to start over in many areas and had to meet new people. I don't tell the new people about my family. I don't want to talk about them or to raise curiosity. I tell everyone I don't have any siblings, which is essentially true. I just mention my father and say that everyone else is dead, which is also true.</p><p></p><p>I tell people my maiden name is my first husband's last name. I also use that as my mother's maiden name.</p><p></p><p>I have rejected their values because I don't share them or like them or believe in them.</p><p></p><p>I don't talk about being raised Jewish. It brings back bad memories of family wars...the Jewish holidays were WWII at my house,a nd we never had good family memories over the holidays. I don't really even consider myself Jewish. To me it is a religion and I don't celebrate that religion. It is a religion that made my parents crazy. I was so scared during the Jewish holidays. Some of their worst, most abusive fights, were on Yom Kippor. Isn't that sad? Not one year did a loving family get together for a Chanukah party. My mother made sure we never got to know my dad's large family, which probably would have been fun. Instead, all we ever saw were her parents and my hated Uncle Vain. I never met most of my relatives and at this late date I don't want to. But I'll bet I would have loved it as a kid.</p><p></p><p>My parents never went to temple together. They went to different temples. It was a holy mess. On top of that, the kids in my school were 99% Jewish while I was there and they picked on me badly. Seemed like the one or two non-Jewish kids in my class were the ones who liked me and who I felt the most bonded to. And my mother used to torture me over only dating Jewish boys. I listened for a few years, but then when I got accused of dating non-Jewish boys who WERE Jewish but didn't look it, I just rebelled and told her I refused to listen to that rule anymore. And I married a non-Jewish man. Two of them. I look back and don't wonder why Judiasm was not a good memory for me. Why I did not follow the Jewish traditions I had learned, such as screaming on Yom Kippor!</p><p></p><p>I don't even associate myself with Chicago much. I grew up around there, but I am far more comfortable in Wisconsin. It is more down-to-earth and prettier and less snobby (in my opinion and at least where I live).</p><p></p><p>I adopted most of my kids and consider them whatever it means to be "my flesh and blood." I could not love them more if I had given birth to them. I would take a bullet f or all of my kids and grandkids (without a thought). And they are not my DNA, but DNA scares me considering my DNA...I don't want to think about DNA.</p><p></p><p>I did not send a written letter to anyone saying, "I don't belong to you" anymore, but my FOO are not my people; not in my heart. They are strangers who didn't accept me. I made my own identity.</p><p></p><p>So I sort of divorced my family of origin too, although I'd never do that to my family of choice! And, of course, I didn't hurt anyone by this divorce. It is w hat they wanted. I am not in the "in" crowd of my FOO. And, Lord help me, I am better off that way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 677364, member: 1550"] It is sad. I have had to do the same. I had no choice in the matter. Leafie, I am meeting a lot of new people because I refuse to let the accident ruin my life, even though I had to start over in many areas and had to meet new people. I don't tell the new people about my family. I don't want to talk about them or to raise curiosity. I tell everyone I don't have any siblings, which is essentially true. I just mention my father and say that everyone else is dead, which is also true. I tell people my maiden name is my first husband's last name. I also use that as my mother's maiden name. I have rejected their values because I don't share them or like them or believe in them. I don't talk about being raised Jewish. It brings back bad memories of family wars...the Jewish holidays were WWII at my house,a nd we never had good family memories over the holidays. I don't really even consider myself Jewish. To me it is a religion and I don't celebrate that religion. It is a religion that made my parents crazy. I was so scared during the Jewish holidays. Some of their worst, most abusive fights, were on Yom Kippor. Isn't that sad? Not one year did a loving family get together for a Chanukah party. My mother made sure we never got to know my dad's large family, which probably would have been fun. Instead, all we ever saw were her parents and my hated Uncle Vain. I never met most of my relatives and at this late date I don't want to. But I'll bet I would have loved it as a kid. My parents never went to temple together. They went to different temples. It was a holy mess. On top of that, the kids in my school were 99% Jewish while I was there and they picked on me badly. Seemed like the one or two non-Jewish kids in my class were the ones who liked me and who I felt the most bonded to. And my mother used to torture me over only dating Jewish boys. I listened for a few years, but then when I got accused of dating non-Jewish boys who WERE Jewish but didn't look it, I just rebelled and told her I refused to listen to that rule anymore. And I married a non-Jewish man. Two of them. I look back and don't wonder why Judiasm was not a good memory for me. Why I did not follow the Jewish traditions I had learned, such as screaming on Yom Kippor! I don't even associate myself with Chicago much. I grew up around there, but I am far more comfortable in Wisconsin. It is more down-to-earth and prettier and less snobby (in my opinion and at least where I live). I adopted most of my kids and consider them whatever it means to be "my flesh and blood." I could not love them more if I had given birth to them. I would take a bullet f or all of my kids and grandkids (without a thought). And they are not my DNA, but DNA scares me considering my DNA...I don't want to think about DNA. I did not send a written letter to anyone saying, "I don't belong to you" anymore, but my FOO are not my people; not in my heart. They are strangers who didn't accept me. I made my own identity. So I sort of divorced my family of origin too, although I'd never do that to my family of choice! And, of course, I didn't hurt anyone by this divorce. It is w hat they wanted. I am not in the "in" crowd of my FOO. And, Lord help me, I am better off that way. [/QUOTE]
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