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Family of Origin
Other people who are shunned and how it makes me feel
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 677437" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is exactly what it is like...going along with it, when you are being done in. Who could believe it was on purpose. Certainly not me. She did these awful things, my sister, on purpose, I knew it. That was made me so mad. Yet still I could not believe it. I rendered myself the liar.</p><p>What we know, in my case, is not a dynamic. My sister is the only one left. My sister is truly the emperor with no clothes. She is so certain in her own truth, that she is above, that she does not care about any rival narrative. </p><p></p><p>I could not believe it that she told me the last (not current) university where she worked as a professor told her they saw her as an "embarrassment." Would you not have eaten moldy food crawling with maggots before you told your sister that? Unless you were certain in yourself that the reality was otherwise.</p><p></p><p>In my fantasies I believe that my sister always believe that I would best her. And I do. </p><p>Cedar, I do not know. Let me think about this. </p><p></p><p>You are shunned because you are dangerous. While it feels to the perpetrator of the shun that they are punishing...an offense, a transgression...at the base of it is fear and anxiety. Because he doing the shunning feels the person shunned has broken the rules of the group. </p><p></p><p>But if I think about it, is the sense of a broken rule, an excuse, a cover story that covers up the shunner's extreme discomfort. The discomfort could be a sense of vulnerability, shame, guilt, fear, or anger that comes from a sense of losing power.</p><p></p><p>So if I look at it that way shunning is a defensive move, to deal with one's own emotions which are discordant with the shunner's sense of herself as strong in certain ways. </p><p></p><p>If we look at it this way the shunner will have to keep up shunning to keep at bay their own emotional reaction. A management solution so to speak. </p><p></p><p>So at first it is a flip: She is out of control, not me. I will make it so by acting proactively. I will shun her so that she does not make me feel angry, weak, vulnerable. (Of course this is not conscious.) The flip becomes she is shunned. I am the master of myself and my realm (this is mother speaking). She is now the penitent, abandoned child who I have he from the family for her sins. (The sins being that the mother may have felt stuff she did not like or even feared she might feel.</p><p></p><p>So the weakness is projected into the other. With two or more people uniting together with the same cover story. Your mother is the instigator, Cedar. Your sister goes along with it. </p><p></p><p>At the basis of shunning, at its roots is fear or some equally fearsome emotion that threatens to leak through.</p><p>Cedar, Joseph. Who was Jacob anyway? Should we be reading his story, too?</p><p>Yes. And your mother, Cedar cannot abide this. As long as you were a little girl where she could scare or humiliate or use you, she could manage her emotions this way. Now she cannot. </p><p></p><p>It is ugly. I am sorry, Cedar. For each of us.</p><p></p><p>My son rang my doorbell last night at 10. He is now with M "working" at the other house.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 677437, member: 18958"] This is exactly what it is like...going along with it, when you are being done in. Who could believe it was on purpose. Certainly not me. She did these awful things, my sister, on purpose, I knew it. That was made me so mad. Yet still I could not believe it. I rendered myself the liar. What we know, in my case, is not a dynamic. My sister is the only one left. My sister is truly the emperor with no clothes. She is so certain in her own truth, that she is above, that she does not care about any rival narrative. I could not believe it that she told me the last (not current) university where she worked as a professor told her they saw her as an "embarrassment." Would you not have eaten moldy food crawling with maggots before you told your sister that? Unless you were certain in yourself that the reality was otherwise. In my fantasies I believe that my sister always believe that I would best her. And I do. Cedar, I do not know. Let me think about this. You are shunned because you are dangerous. While it feels to the perpetrator of the shun that they are punishing...an offense, a transgression...at the base of it is fear and anxiety. Because he doing the shunning feels the person shunned has broken the rules of the group. But if I think about it, is the sense of a broken rule, an excuse, a cover story that covers up the shunner's extreme discomfort. The discomfort could be a sense of vulnerability, shame, guilt, fear, or anger that comes from a sense of losing power. So if I look at it that way shunning is a defensive move, to deal with one's own emotions which are discordant with the shunner's sense of herself as strong in certain ways. If we look at it this way the shunner will have to keep up shunning to keep at bay their own emotional reaction. A management solution so to speak. So at first it is a flip: She is out of control, not me. I will make it so by acting proactively. I will shun her so that she does not make me feel angry, weak, vulnerable. (Of course this is not conscious.) The flip becomes she is shunned. I am the master of myself and my realm (this is mother speaking). She is now the penitent, abandoned child who I have he from the family for her sins. (The sins being that the mother may have felt stuff she did not like or even feared she might feel. So the weakness is projected into the other. With two or more people uniting together with the same cover story. Your mother is the instigator, Cedar. Your sister goes along with it. At the basis of shunning, at its roots is fear or some equally fearsome emotion that threatens to leak through. Cedar, Joseph. Who was Jacob anyway? Should we be reading his story, too? Yes. And your mother, Cedar cannot abide this. As long as you were a little girl where she could scare or humiliate or use you, she could manage her emotions this way. Now she cannot. It is ugly. I am sorry, Cedar. For each of us. My son rang my doorbell last night at 10. He is now with M "working" at the other house. COPA [/QUOTE]
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